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1
1
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Summary: She believes the horror of the haunted house is all in the past, but something still waits inside....

Title and description: I liked the title very much. I thought that the description was a little bit bland for such a chilling story. From the description alone, I didn't know why I should care about the girl finding a key. I would suggest trying to evoke a little more of the feeling of the story in the desc.

Impressions: I really enjoyed the plot of this story. It touched on some wonderful horror themes - an innocent young girl meeting a predatory villain, the helplessness and vulnerability of being in a shower, a horror we can't quite see but know is waiting for us.

I really liked the part where she was trapped in the room with the valentines. I could definitely feel her panic and desperation to escape.

I like how you almost begin to think that the main character has escaped, only to realize that the horror has followed her home.

I like how the violence is strongly implied, yet subtle.

I loved the way the Valentine hearts seemed so terribly foreboding in the context of the story. That was awesome!

Suggestions for improvement:
I had trouble at the beginning really getting into the story. I felt removed and distant from the subject matter, and the first couple of sentences of introduction did not hook me at all. In fact, I believe this is the second time I tried to read the story. The first time, I lost interest after a couple of sentences, which is a shame - the story was definitely worth reading! I would suggest trying a different beginning for the story, one that makes the reader care deeply about what is about to happen to poor, curious Shyla Stone.

Suggestions for word flow/grammar/spelling:
I didn't find any real errors in this area - good job! The only thing that bothered me a little bit was this sentence:

"Teasingly, his older brothers took the bag away from him in a vicious game of keep-away."

To me, "vicious game" contradicts "teasingly," which broke me out of the story momentarily while I tried to decide which it was. Personally, I like the feeling that the game was intended to be playful, not vicious, but Valentino took it way too seriously.

Overall:
Although the beginning was a little slow, I was totally wrapped up in the story by the end, which is what I consider the mark of an excellent read. I'm giving it a 4.5 because I feel it has a ton of potential, but needs just a little bit of reworking. Good luck with the story!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
2
2
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (5.0)
You've really given me a lot to think about with this piece. I don't forward these kinds of emails, nor do I much appreciate receiving them, but I hadn't thought too much about how the copyright holders must feel about having their work sent worldwide without their permission. The blase reactions of so many people who have the plagarism pointed out to them are also disturbing.

I am glad that you have brought this issue to light, and hope that it is able to make a difference.
3
3
Review of The Stowaway  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't feel myself to be an excellent writer or judge of poetry, but I very much enjoyed this piece. Your imagery was lovely, and the thought of a lover being a stowaway in a person's heart was very memorable.

My favorite part was:
"A stowaway on a dreamy voyage
From the past or from the future?"

I particularly liked that part because it really drove home the impression of a nameless longing. Is it a love that has left, or a love that is waiting in the wings that torments the protagonist?

The only part that I would suggest could use some polishing is this structure:

"This morning of grey skies
And waters steely calm,
You came to me in dreamy form."

It's also repeated later in the poem, in the evening.

The thing that bothered me about that is that the grammar didn't quite seem to flow. If it were written out just as a sentence, instead of broken into poetry, it wouldn't quite fit, and that distracted me from the meaning of your words. I'd suggest maybe something like, "On this morning of grey skies and waters steely calm, you came to me in dreamy form."

Thank you for sharing your enjoyable poem, I'll surely be thinking about the imagery for some time to come.
4
4
Review of The Watercourse  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, this was an incredibly gripping story. From the beginning on, the feeling of dread and doom that surrounded the dark river created a wonderful feeling of suspense. The love of the brother and sister was plain to see and easy for the reader to feel. The repetition of the children waiting for their mother by the river, and waiting for their mother before they were killed, was well done.

My favorite part was the way they were saved at the end, and the characterization of the divers as "black-skinned monster(s)."

I could not come up with any suggestions for story structure or grammar and spelling. Your word flow was excellent. Not only did none of your writing jar me out of the story, but I feel like I didn't blink throughout the entire thing!

Congratulations on an excellent job!
5
5
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (3.0)
Summary:
A song praising the Lord

Title and Description
I thought both the title and the description were very good and accurate.

Impression:
I don't really consider myself an expert on poetry, and even less so on music lyrics, but I'm happy to give my opinion as a reader, and some tips on spelling and grammar.

I think you used some lovely imagery in this song, and captured the yearning to become closer to God quite nicely. Good job!

Suggestions for Improvement:
The song seemed a little short to me. I felt that it could use some more verses, to make it clear that the singer is asking for help from God to become closer to Him.

There were also a couple of things that I thought weren't very clear. For example:

"As far is the sky, is His love for us" - Do you really want to say His love is far from us? I'd suggest maybe something like "As large as the sky is His love for us."

And in the second and third stanzas, I thought that the streams were flowing from the heart of God. To me, it seemed like they should be one stanza. The break was a little confusing to me.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"To Him I'll Run" - I don't think "Run" should be capitalized.

"Sreams of love will flow" - I think "Sreams" should be "Streams"

"You're my Lord, my Sheperd" - "Sheperd" should be "Shepherd"

"But its You I want to see" - because it's a contraction of "it is" in this case, "its" should be "it's"


Conclusion:
This is a very pretty song, with nice imagery and a nice concept. I think with some polishing of the grammar, and a bit of a stronger emphasis on the meaning of the song, it would be worth a 5.0. Thank you for sharing it!

If you enjoyed my review, you'll love my writing! Feel free to stop by my port and see what I've got!
6
6
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (5.0)
Summary:
A reviewer sets out some very common sense guidelines for reviews.

Title and Description
The title definitely caught my attention, and the description made me read on.

Impression:
I think these are absolutely wonderful guidelines. I think any author who sees them would understand that the reviewer is trying to help, and not to shoot them down or make them feel bad. In fact, I think you've inspired me to write something similar myself.

Suggestions for Improvement:
I'm sorry to say that I think it's perfect the way it is. I'd like to try to help you improve your writing, but you beat me to it by being great! *Laugh*

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"I hate giving low ratings more than you can ever imagine, it's like a stake in MY heart; but I try to look at it as a surgeon does: it will feel better when it heals, and thus the pain is a good thing in the long run. It still hurts
me." - I don't think there is anything technically wrong with this sentence, but it struck me as a bit overly complicated, which broke the flow of the essay a little bit.


Conclusion:
I'm rating this 5.0. It was very well written, and has a sentiment that made me want to stand up and cheer.

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
7
7
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (4.5)
Summary:
Guidelines for how to rate and review articles on Writing.com.

Title and Description
The title was great - very informative. I thought the description could use some work, though, since it was basically just paraphrasing the title in the form of a question.

Impression:
I absolutely loved this piece, and wish that it would be required reading for authors and reviewers alike. One of the hardest things I've found on Writing.com has been to give honest criticism of a story that I didn't like, and yet at the same time, I wish that everyone who would read my short stories and dislike them or get bored would take a quick moment to tell me why. Your article reminds us that we should be working to improve our writing instead of just looking for praise. The best way to improve is through honest, respectful, but blunt reviews. (The second best way is to review other people's writing). I believe that this essay helps to improve the quality and honesty of reviews on Writing.com.

Suggestions for Improvement:
Although I thought that the essay was really good, there was one section that I found to be a little weak. I was kind of confused when you explained the difference between a "reader" and a "reviewer." I think you were saying that a reader doesn't have to give detailed feedback, only to give a rating that reflects his or her impression of the piece. But I wasn't really clear if I understood it correctly, or how it answered the question, "What are my responsibilities as a reviewer?"

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"By rating an item honestly, you are helping that author with an item," - I didn't like the repetition of "an item" in this case. I'd suggest something like "helping that author improve his or her writing" instead.

"telling that author 'You're Done! It's perfect'" - I think you could use a comma after the word "author" as you have in the next sentence "tells the author, 'Even though I found some mistakes....'"

"As a 'reviewer'," - I believe the comma should be inside the quotation mark here. This also happened in a couple of other points within the essay.

"you want to give that author honest, usable feedback with an honest, believable rating." - I would try to remove the repetition of the word "honest" here. Perhaps replace one of the instances with "sincere."


Conclusion:
I'm rating this item a 4.5 because of the overall importance and quality of the subject matter. The only thing preventing me from rating it a 5.0 is the handful of small flaws that I pointed out above.

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
8
8
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Summary:
Wind and Rain's battle for dominance turns into a romantic tryst.

Title and Description
I wasn't particularly fond of the title, especially since "Arguement" should be "Argument." I would suggest something more along the lines of "The Marriage of Wind and Rain" or "The Birth of the Hurricane."

Impression:
I'm coming to slowly love that dialogue contest, because this is the second excellent entry I've read for it. The characterization of Wind and Rain were really good, and the reader could really see the flirtation behind the fighting. The story, especially the ending, was funny and entertaining. Excellent job!

Suggestions for Improvement:
The only very, very minor suggestion I could give was that sometimes the story seemed to bog down in details a little bit. Like describing the year that the Elementals were identified distracted a little bit from the story, in my opinion. In general, though, excellent work.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"Who then Plato named them Elements." - This is a sentence fragment, and one that doesn't seem to make much sense. "Plato then renamed them Elements" seems a little more clear to me.

"out to the blue-green, salty oceans depths" - should be "out to the blue-green, salty ocean's depths" though I don't quite like how that necessary comma makes the sentence look. "out to the blue-green depths of the salty ocean" might be even more smooth.

"I can feel your humidity strengthen me. Where again, Rain, our passion will spawn our children as it has done since the beginning of time." - "Where again" didn't really seem to fit. Maybe just "Again, Rain...."

“Again, I say to you, Wind, my husband, “It is just like a man to continually boast of his sexual prowess.” - There is either an extra quotation mark in this sentence, or missing single quotes. I'd suggest, "Again, I say to you, Wind, my husband, it is just like a man to...."


Conclusion:
An excellent job with the difficult task of writing a story entirely with dialogue! I enjoyed reading it very much.

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
9
9
Review of A Little Favor  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Summary:
After her husband's death, a woman wishes she could have changed their last day together.

Title and Description
I liked the title a lot, but I felt that the description gave away too much. Instead of being a tease to make me want to read more, it told the whole story in one sentence.

Impression:
This story was really heartbreaking. It's one of the major tragedies of life that we never know when our last time doing something will be our last. When that last moment together comes too soon, too unexpectedly, we often wish we'd done something differently. You've captured that sentiment very well with this short story.

I also liked very much how the story ended.

Suggestions for Improvement:
The only thing that bothered me a little bit was that the husband seems too perfect, too smooth and unruffled. It would have seemed more realistic to me if he had been a little bit less tentative about asking her a favor, a little more disappointed that she refused. This would have shown his exhaustion, and would have heightened the protagonist's guilt.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

The only minor nitpick in this area was here: "'Laurie...' Joan’s soft tone was so out of character" When you're ending a sentence with an ellipsis, like after "Laurie," you should use four periods instead of three.

Conclusion:
I'm giving this story a very solid 4.0. You did a good job of capturing the grief of having a loved one torn away, the helplessness and the regret. Thank you for sharing it!

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
10
10
Review of Completed Works  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Summary:
Caught in a loop of horror, Casey's world is shattered, over and over again, by screams.

Title and Description
The title was quite fine. There was no description, except for the first line, which was very good: "If she could explain it she would...wouldn't she?" It is, however, missing a space after the third ellipses.

Impression:
I very much enjoyed this horror story, where each outcome seems worse than the one before. You did a good job of writing a repeating loop with subtle variations. Good job!

Suggestions for Improvement:
The only thing that really rankled with this story was that you never find out what's going on. Is Casey stuck in that loop forever? Why is her hand bleeding at the end? I'm guessing from the first line that you intentionally left the question unanswered, but I'd find this story really satisfying if there were at least a stronger hint as to what's causing the repetition.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"as she begins to remove her hand from it's hiding place." - because this is a possessive and not a contraction of "it is," "it's" should be "its."

"Mr. Bower growls lowly" - when I first read this, I thought of lowly as humbly. To eliminate confusion, I would suggest using "deeply" or something along those lines.

"'Good. I am expecting a very important client
today, Casey.'" - I believe there is an unintended line break in this sentence.

"She returns to her desk and snatches up the bright red folder marked BUDGET and knocks on the door to Mr. Bower's office." - I'd suggest getting rid of the "ands" and making this a list: "She returns to her desk, snatches up the ..., and knocks on the door...." This would make the sentence flow more smoothly.

"'Very good.' Mr. Bower murmurs as he sips." - I think this sentence would look more natural with a comma after good instead of a period. The same goes for this sentence: "'You do that.' Mr. Bower says absently."

"She makes her voice sexy but not obviously sexy." - I think there's too much repetition of the word "sexy" here. I'd suggest changing it to "She makes her voice sexy, but not obviously so."

"Mr. Bower nods and disappears into his office, leaving the doors open." - should "doors" be "door" here? I got the impression earlier that there was only one door to the office.

"a small condenscending smile" - "condenscending" should be "condescending"


Conclusion:
I'm giving this story a 4.5, because though it was just a hair away from being deeply satisfying, it was a very good and thoroughly enjoyable horror story.

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
11
11
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Summary:
Unexpected horrors lurk inside an abandoned house.

Title and Description
The title is fine, but the description only repeats what is already in a title. It would need to say something new to really hook in the reader.

What I Liked:
I enjoyed the sense of suspense before finding out what happened in the house.

Suggestions for Improvement:
First of all, the story feels a little like a first draft to me. It could really use a lot of polishing; reading the story out loud to yourself could really help you find the places where it doesn't flow well.

Secondly, I was very disappointed that there was no resolution of the mystery. After all the build up of suspense, the story just seemed to end abruptly. The reader could guess from quite early on that something terrible had happened in the house. What we want to know is who did it, and why? My strongest suggestion would be to expand the story by answering those questions.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"finally decided that I Would do a little investigating of our own." - "Would" shouldn't be capitalized, and "our" should be "my".

"the little home on Spencer St.?" - I found the abbreviation here to be jarring - too reminiscent that I'm reading something instead of experiencing it. I would suggest writing out "Street" instead.

"I was curious learn anything they could tell" - I think the word "to" is missing before "learn."

"spent his days looking like he was busy by working on friends and families cars" - "friends and families" should both be possessive. I also have the feeling that "families" should be "family's."

"I saw over a dozen cars at a time over at this house across the street during the middle of the night." - Where are these cars coming from? I thought the house was vacant? These were my first thoughts on reading it; it wasn't until later in the story I realized that this had been some years ago. For clarification, you might want to make a transition to show that he's talking about a more distant past.

"It was a good thing they did too because I was about ready to call animal control." - You need a comma before and after "too."

"I must have said that pretty loud to because." should be "I must have said that pretty loud, too, because...."

"In the front window I saw the once abused dog, I hated so much, dead I almost hate to admit how much I hated that dog for fear someone might suspect me of what I was seeing.." - This sentence is a serious run-on, it really needs to be split up into a couple of individual sentences. Also, there's a typo with the double period at the end.

"His head severed from his body both lying side-by-side on the dirty rug in the living room.." - I think you're missing the word "was" before "severed," and again the double periods.

"'Officer, it's head was severed off laying beside its body.'" - should be "'Officer, its head was severed, lying beside its body.'"

"I was careful not to say a word because I did not want to be accused of the crime having taken place." - I think "having taken place" is unnecessarily complicated. I would just leave it, "I did not want to be accused of the crime."

"I really wanted to be let go" - Again, a little overly complex sentence structure. Something like, "I really wanted to leave" would convey the same meaning.

"And tell me has there been any barbecues here lately" - "Has" should be "have."

"it looks like the body is in full tack." - I'm not sure what this means. Fully intact, maybe?

"beheaded dog and it's head." - "it's" should be "its."

"Dwayne was not sure if he wanted to know what just happened kneeled down by me from which I literally jumped into his arms." - Again, a run-on sentence, and the verb forms don't really match.

"and reports bugging everyone they saw" - should "reports" be "reporters"?


Conclusion:
I'm giving this story a 2.5 rating, placing it at slightly below average, because of the combination of lack of a satisfying resolution and the unfinished feeling that the grammatical mistakes and word flow gave me. The good news is, there is a lot of room to improve. Stephen King himself talked about "the gottas" - when you've got to find out what is going to happen next, and you seem to have a good grasp of that. King's mastery of "the gottas" is his greatest quality, I believe, and all of the polished prose in the world won't save a story without that urge to turn the pages. I hope this review has given you some ideas to improve this story, and doesn't sound discouraging. I think there is a lot of potential there, and that with some work, it would be a great candidate for professional publication.

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
12
12
Review of A Normal Guy  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Summary:
An off-the-wall friend struggles between being normal and being himself.

Title and Description
The description was quite good - it definitely had me wanting to read more. I wasn't thrilled with the title, though. It was fine, but didn't have a lot of punch.

Impression:
I loved, _loved_ the character of Neil. He really did encapsulate chaos, and yet still left me feeling like I'd like to have him as a friend. The scene with the flies was excellent! I also liked how you could see where he got some of his personality, when his grandfather charged off looking for infidels. Beautifully done!

And the part with the law against hula dancing in a car - that was inspired! I hope there really is such a law, how fantastic.

Suggestions for Improvement:
I found the ending to be a little... abrupt. In front of the policeman, Neil was all bluster, but suddenly afterwards he's trying to be completely normal. I had trouble buying that his grandfather's disapproval would have such a sudden and sharp effect on him. It felt to me like the story could use another chaos scene - one where Neil's antics hurt or endanger one of his friends or his grandfather. That, to me, would be a more convincing reason for him to try to make a sudden personality change.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"'What can I do,... erm... Commander?'" - I'd suggest leaving out the comma before the ellipses. The ellipses already communicate the pause, and it looks a little strange to me.

"he's been getting a little more...I dunno." - Missing space after the ellipses.

"'How do I look, dahhhhlink?' Neil bats his
eyelashes." - extra line break after "his."


Conclusion:
I'm giving this story a 4.5 rating, because it's just so much fun. The characters were strong and believable, it was funny enough to make me nearly laugh out loud, and I couldn't wait to read what happened next. Only a very small lack of satisfaction at the ending prevented me from giving it a 5 rating. Thank you for letting me read it!

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
13
13
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (4.5)
Summary:
In the distant future, the reverberations of 9/11 are still felt among the remnants of a humanity nearly destroyed by war.

Title and Description:
The description was a good hook, though I would suggest making it just a touch longer and more evocative. The title could use some work. It was all right, but didn't pack the punch that I felt this story deserved.

Impression:
I really loved the storyline, the idea that the war against terror ends up consuming both good and evil people until the whole world lies in ruins. You've done a good job of conveying a futuristic feeling with slightly altered words and values. Good job!

I also appreciate how you skirted the lines of the current political situation. This is a touchy issue for a lot of people, and it required tact to not turn this piece into a lampoon. Again, well done!

Suggestions for Improvement:
The only small improvement I would suggest would be a little bit of polishing of the word flow. Reading the story out loud to yourself might help this. I've given some specific suggestions in the next section.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.

"around the circular firepit that squat in the center of the house." - I think "squat" should be "squatted" here.

"we need to let them establish more." - My thought when reading this was, 'establish more what?' You might want to think about something like, 'to let them become more established' for clarity.

"Once upon a very long time ago" - this seemed a little muddled to me. Something like, "Once upon a time, a very long time ago" or "A very long time ago" seems more clear.

"with his revealings" - I think this should be "with his revelations."


Conclusion:
I really enjoyed the level of imagination shown in this story. Although I feel the execution could use a touch of work, I'm still giving it a 4.5 rating for its unique style and vision. Very good job, and I wish you a lot of success with it!

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
14
14
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (3.5)
What I liked:
I don't consider poetry to be my strong suit, so I'm making this review purely as a casual reader and not any kind of expert! That being said, I thought you did a good job in this poem of capturing the disappointment of a love that was supposed to last forever, but didn't work out. I've felt something of that pain, too, and it really rang out in your verses.

I also liked how the poem started and ended with the same couplet. That gave the poem a nice structure for me.

What I didn't like so much:
I didn't like how the rhyme pattern changed so dramatically throughout the poem. This could be a poetic form that I'm not familiar with, but as a reader, this threw me off somewhat. For example, in this stanza:

"Then things started to go wrong,
you were drinking every night,
and it did not take long."

I was expecting the next line to be something like, "until we started to fight" to continue the rhyme scheme. Instead, the poem went off in an entirely different direction, which broke the rhythem for me.

To me, it seemed like it would be tidier if the rhyme scheme would stay consistant, and perhaps end with a two-line stanza to mirror the begining verses. But again, I'm no great poem, and this is only a suggestion to use or discard as you will :)

In Conclusion:
This poem is about more than a broken heart, it's also about conquering huge obstacles to find happiness. I'm glad that you were able to succeed and to find true love after all!

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
15
15
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
There are few emotions stronger than a mother's love, and you have conveyed that feeling beautifully with this piece. I normally try to read only fiction on Writing.com, but this work of non-fiction enticed me with its unusual premise. I am interested in superstitions, and wondered what twist could make someone love Friday the 13th. To have drawn me in so quickly is praise for both the title and the all-important first lines of this piece.

You kept a feeling of suspense throughout the story story through describing your labor. You did a good job of conveying your pain and fear without going into graphic descriptions. This can be a difficult line to skirt for many writers.

The suspense gave way to joy for you at the birth of your daughter, which was once again well described. The picture of the young StoryMistress at the end was a nice touch.

The only nitpick I found in terms of spelling, grammar, and word flow was the elipses in this sentence: "Not many people can say that they have enjoyed raising their child every minute since that child was born..but I can." There should be three elipses after "was born" instead of two, and then a space before "but." Considering that was the only typo in the whole piece, that's really excellent.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I very much enjoyed reading about it!

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
16
16
Review of Monster  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Summary:
A childhood accident turns a woman into a monster - inside and out.

Impression:
I liked how you built sympathy for the main character throughout the story, only to completely rip it away in the last two paragraphs. Very well done! The ending is a surprise twist that I didn't expect. I could feel the protagonist's pain and isolation - well done!

Suggestions for Improvement:
The one thing I thought was lacking in the story was a build-up to a climax. Emotionally, the story was a little flat, with the exciting part happening very quickly. You could really hook the reader emotionally if you were to give the protagonist a sense of urgency. Instead of being resigned to her pain and lack of acceptance, you could have her try to find some way to ease her pain - finally snapping and taking revenge on her tormentor's son. Or instead of telling how one person after another rejected her, you could show it, and her deepening despair.

Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are small suggestions regarding word flow, spelling, and grammar that I picked out while reading the story.

Really, the only problems I found were a few places where commas would have been needed. Here are a couple of examples:

"And so, not with the actual firework but with the words of a child my life was ruined." - I think you could use a comma after "child."

"I can do every-day things like walk down a street, go into a supermarket or get a job." - also, a comma after "supermarket"

Conclusion:
I really liked the revenge aspect of this story. I think it has a ton of potential, and hope that my comments have given you something constructive to think about. Thank you for sharing it!

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
17
17
Review of Circle of Crime  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Summary:
A boy is killed over a strange bag, but the real question is - why? This is a mystery story, told entirely in dialogue.

Impression:
First of all, let me say that I am incredibly impressed by your ability to tell this complex story entirely in dialog.

You did a really excellent job of characterization without using any description at all. Each person was distinct and recognizable from their words. This is a very difficult thing to do, even with dialoge that _doesn't_ go on for 3,000+ words. Bravo!

Your word flow was also very good, with some minor nitpicks that I listed below. The story was suspenseful, with deadly assassins as the bad guys and a young and defenseless child to be protected.

Suggestions for Improvement:
The only part that I'd really suggest working on is the ending. It wasn't as satifying a conclusion as I would have liked to see. Where you started to lose me was when the social worker tackled the would-be assassin in the hallway. I mean, here you have a parir that you've built up as deadly killers. They've killed twice with two shots, once through the eye. They burst in to kill again and... they're beat down by some social worker? Nah, I didn't buy it.

The answer to the mystery was also a little weak. I wanted what was in the bag to have some value or purpose. Instead, it seemed to be only incidental. It was used by some guy that's never even identified to threaten some other guy who's only tangental to the story and who you only learn about in the exposition. There's no real hint or foreshadowing that the reader can pick up on. It was really abrupt and felt a little empty. I would have liked the thing in the bag to be some kind of point of contention between the man on the bench and the assassins themselves. Maybe there's a ring on the hand, for example, or a microchip implanted under a fingernail that both want, and that requires getting it back from the kids. Otherwise, I can't even see why the assassins would bother getting it back.

Spelling/Grammar Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are little things that I noticed as I was reading the story.

There were quite a few places where I thought that commas were missing. Here are a few examples:
"At least we know he can hear us, even if he won’t speak he’s listening." I think you need a comma after "speak" in this sentence. To make it more readable, you could use a semicolon instead of the comma you already have, like this: "At least we know he can hear us; even if he won’t speak, he’s listening."

"They said he’s malnourished and his leg is scratched up pretty bad but not broken" I think this sentence could use a comma before "but." Something like, "They said he’s malnourished and his leg is scratched up pretty bad, but it's not broken" seems to flow better to me.


"Has he said anything yet doc?" Because "doc" is a form of address, I think you need a comma after "yet." The same holds true before "Stan" in this sentence a few lines later: "Wait out here Stan."

I think a break between these two lines: "I’m on it. Why don’t you run downstairs to the cafeteria and get something to eat. I’ll meet you down there; I could use some coffee.

"I got you some coffee, two sugars. I don’t know how you can drink that stuff. Anything from the park?" would make the transition less abrupt.

"No, he isn’t speaking." When I first read this, I was thinking that the boy wasn't speaking again. Some indication of who the "he" is and that he's not saying anything important, not necessarily that he won't speak because of shock, would make this more clear.



Conclusion:
To summarize, I really enjoyed the story. I was completely engrossed for about 90% of it (note my grumblings about the ending above), and deeply respect your faculty with the dialog. With just a little bit of tweaking at the end, this story would be a 5+ rating for me. Thank you so much for sharing it!

Your Port has been Raided by pirates
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Review of Dear Josh  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Summary: A man is haunted by a pain he can't overcome.

Initial impression: I thought this was a great short story. I read your essay on short stories and realize this is the first you wrote, and I was prepared for it to be awkwardly written. Instead, I found it deeply enjoyable. There was just enough of a twist to keep it interesting, without seeming unrealistic. I also enjoyed the "poetic justice" that the protagonist inflicted on himself. I particularly liked the crimson suit metaphor.

Spelling and grammar: I found only one extremely minor grammatical flaw. In this section: "I... They say he's looking at up to ten years" there should be four elipses after I instead of three, because it's ending a sentence. I didn't find any major errors - Good job!

Room for improvement: The only thing which stuck out a little bit was the part where the brother says, "I.... They say he's looking at up to ten years for involuntary man slaughter...." I was slightly confused by this. Is he maintaining the illusion that the brother doesn't know who it was who hit him?

Overall: I'm very much looking forward to reading the rest of your short stories. Thanks for sharing them!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Novels  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (5.0)
Summary: An essay about the author's discovery of love for the short story genre

Initial impression: I really enjoyed this point of view, because it's one that I share as well. I have yet to write a novel, though I've written many short stories. I really enjoy the tight writing and quick progression of the short story. While I hope to be writing novels some day, I'm glad to see others who share my enjoyment of this genre.

Spelling and grammar: I didn't notice any major spelling or grammatical mistakes. Good job!

Overall: Very thoughtful writing, thank you for sharing it!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The Last Guardian  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Summary: An alien force is more familiar than we might expect at first glance....

First impression: I really liked the twist at the end. It was a delightful surprise to have my expectations turned around like that. The only thing I didn't like was that the description nearly gave it away - I was expecting something like this throughout the story.

Grammar and spelling: I noticed no major grammar or spelling mistakes. Well done!

Overall: You did a grea job of making the "aliens" believable and confusing what was actually happening until the end. Good job!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Golden  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Summary: A couple parts for the final time, after 50 years of marriage.

Overall feeling: Ouch. You conveyed the pain and the inevitability of this choice very well. In only a few short words, you made me ache for your characters. Flash fiction is an awesome format when done right, as you demonstrated with this piece. Well done!

Spelling and grammar: I noticed no spelling or grammatical errors. Well done!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (3.5)
This sounds like an interesting start to an essay - I would like to see it expanded more. For example, what about non-verbal communication, like letter-writing or email, or non-physical communication, like talking on the telephone?

In terms of technical issues, I found the use of quotation marks in your piece to be a bit distracting. I would recommend removing them altogether, and replacing the beginning sentence with: "Tonality, Body language, and Words", and then referring to the three as TBW instead of t.b.w. This would make the piece seem to flow better, and be easier to read.
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Review of The Candy Store  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: E | (4.5)
Summary:
A middle-aged woman finds a new kind of sweetness in a candy store.

What I liked/disliked:
I loved the atmosphere you built up in this story. I could really see the beauty of the shop, as well as the love and good will within its walls.

My favorite line was probably:
'“Get rich?” he said. “But I’m already rich,” he told me. “Look around.”' I think all too often today, people forget that the real treasures in their lives cannot be bought and sold, a point which Swen's generosity makes very well.

Errors and Suggestions:
I found very few spelling or grammatical mistakes in this piece, congratulations!

The one minor nitpick I had was: "planters of pink, dwarf carnations" - I would remove the comma in this phrase, as well as in "one rather dirty, old quarter"

Overall: This was a very vivid and heartwarming piece. I highly recommend it.
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Review of The stalker  
Review by Wolflady26
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Summary:
She doesn’t know that someone is watching her, hungering for her blood!

What I liked/disliked:
This story had a very cute twist. And the stalked did get what was coming to him! I also liked the way you built the tension throughout the piece.

There was nothing that I disliked in this short story.

Errors & Solutions:
“I want to touch them, shuddering I hold myself back.” – There is nothing wrong with this sentence the way it is, but using a semicolon instead of a comma might give it some added power.

Overall Comments:
Fun and entertaining. Thanks for writing it!

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Review by Wolflady26
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Summary:
What happens after Humpty Dumpty is put back together again?

What I liked/disliked:
This was an entertaining take on what happens after “Happily Ever After”. My favorite line was “Well duh! First of all whoever heard of a horse being able to practice medicine?”

I could really picture Dumpty/Dempty as a hard-boiled (pun intended) old guy, recovering from his addiction.

Errors & Solutions:
I had fallen off the wall and broke my shell in several places – for better verb agreement, change “broke” to “broken”.

“kings horses and all the kings men” – “kings” should be “king’s” in both instances here.

“thanks to close friends and my sponser” – “sponser” should be “sponsor”.

“So now I'm Bob Dempty an insurance salesman who specializes in accident insurance” – there should be a comma after ‘Dempty’.

Overall Comments:
A fun addition to the fairy tale, thank you!

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