Short to the point and took me a few reads to understand. Maybe I am a little slow , anyhow, you create atmosphere and plot with very few words and its a skill I admire.
A good twist to a Santa story. I like this, easy to read and love how you explain everything with just a few lines of dialogue. The part where you mention that there are a female among them all could be a little more natural and less revealing. Exclaiming the sex as though know one knew seems a bit unrealistic.
Well written and a good twist on a Christmas tale.
Very good story. The idea is strong although(dont take this offensively) a bit cheesy. The use of fun houses for horror stories has lost it's appeal but you managed to keep me hooked. You have a clear way of writing making it easy to understand and enjoy. I would ad a little bit more meat on the story as sometimes it feels as though you are rushing through it. In some sense it makes certain areas a little predictable. I would also recommend you using stronger words, and shorten the sentences a bit to give more impact.
1 . "I can take care of myself." She gave me that cocky look that ticked me off = Using the 'ticked me off' part flatlined the whole experience here. Can i recommend by changing the sentence so you can use words like arrogance, spiteful and sarcastic. It represents her attitude more.
2. "We'll meet at the usual place, at midnight." I put out my right hand, Johnny put his on top of mine, and Becky followed suit. It was a ritual we started many years before. = This gesture is not something very unique. Can i recommend you create a gesture rather than using a ritual wich is extremely common. It will create a stronger bond with your characters. This also reveals that they may have this secret greeting that only they can execute after many years of learning and being together. It is important to create a loving relationship through out the story with these character as you want the reader to be sad with their loss and not just horrified.
3. "She's not here yet. Happy birthday. We're the same age for another month." = I love this sentence, it is young and well written.
Now i am not a good writer, but i did review your story as a reader. These recommendations may not be adequate for what you were aiming to do but what i felt through out is the thrill of what may happen. Losing friendship to death, should be a little more shocking and the way to do so, is to create a memorable bunch of characters with more detail. The story is strong and i see a lot of potential with it. Keep up the good work.
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