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101 Public Reviews Given
101 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Sand Maze  
Review by Yemel
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found your story on Newbies. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Your piece drew me in - possibly because of your blurb? Some of the story was a bit difficult to read - it felt very crowded - but it was a good read despite this!

*Check2* Favorite part:
I do like "truth is stranger than fiction.... thin line..."
I also like the acknowledgement that some local people were upset at what they saw as disrespect.

*Check2* Least favorite part:
Hmmm - I think I am still confused/ disappointed at the truth/ fiction aspect of the story...

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Good! I could easily picture enough of the setting in my mind, and you kept it consistent.

*Check2* Plot:
Interesting "take" on the idea of curses attached to mummies' graves/ pyramids. One note - plants would not be able to grow inside a closed-up pyramid, so this part seemed a bit too much.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Very consistent throughout your story - good!

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Generally good, a few minor edits would be useful.

*Check2* Suggestions:
I was hooked on the story, I think because of its setting and dealing with archeology; it reminded me a bit of "Indiana Jones" movies. I wonder if it would be even more enticing if there was more information about the characters, or at least one or two of them. I cared about what happened in the story, but did not feel particularly concerned about any of the characters. That might be just me, tho - I encourage you to get other opinions!!!


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Template WritingML: Story

I found your story while cruising WdC for some good reads to review. Yours made me laugh *Laugh* , so thank you!!

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
This is a witty, enjoyable piece, though a bit difficult to follow in places.

*Check2* Favorite part:
Ass-burgers and mashfryitis; drive his pickup into the pond; searoaches; picture at top of story

*Check2* Least favorite part:
Zuska-Atkins - had never heard of this one and so was much more difficult to follow the humor here, thought the whole storyline had gotten derailed here (until I went back and realized that it is entirely consistent with the story!! - So - nicely done, but not as accessible to the reader).

*Check2* Characters:
Nice choice of names! Consistent description of Uncle Buck *Smile*

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Minimal, but effective - interesting way of depicting setting, almost exclusively by the people involved!

*Check2* Plot:
Great idea!

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Pretty consistent - perhaps a bit overdone with respect to the narrator - those portions might benefit from some editing to clear up the punctuation in particular, and to perhaps tone down the run-on effect (it seems to be an intentional part of portrayal of narrator, but might be a bit too much).

*Check2* Dialog:
Very effective! See above re: punctuation etc.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
See above - otherwise, good, does not get in the way of the story.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Very enjoyable! Consider cleaning this piece up a bit - including the ?note to self? re: two car garage - ?? - I am curious to see whether you have other items that might go with this as a set? It would go well with a few other similar-type pieces, using the plays on words, with or without the medical school connection - seems you could go to town with this, if you haven't already done so! (Have marked your portfolio to check into it a bit later *Smile* )

Thank you for sharing your story!! Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review of Champ  
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I found your story via Random Reviews. I am amazed by it - I very much enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Wow! Draws the reader in immediately. 'The blood ... dry ... concrete craved it ... cactus ... We just knew it.' Strong words, powerful images.


*Check2* Favorite part:
Hard to say - see above; also '... not sure any of us really knew Champ ... didn't know Champ.' Also - the verses were effective. (And I had been jumping past poetry selections until I got to your story!)

*Check2* Least favorite part:
I suppose the several parts where I had to reread and puzzle over the phrasing, not following it the first time around.

*Check2* Characters:
Nicely done! I could easily imagine the interactions.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Very effective. Very easy to imagine, yet looking back, seems this could have taken place anywhere.

*Check2* Plot:
Moves quickly along - beautiful!

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Particularly effective for the story you are telling. The sentences keep coming, one after the other. 'I wanted to throw something. Instead, ... me.' Nice! Briskly gives reader a sense of the character's shifting inner ground.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Overall, excellent. Not many distractions, but there are several places where it gets a bit confusing:
'... to do special tutoring ...' - as tutor or as learner? Either would work, but differently; this one was place where I wavered back and forth and then let it go, moving on with the story;
'I grabbed up jacket and hoodie to leave. ...' This whole paragraph was somewhat confusing, less smoothly written than most of the rest of your story.
' ... as far as I knew ... soon.' That seems to be a bit strong, contradicting the earlier 'He wasn't expected to live,' and his seemingly precarious condition in the hospital. (?)

*Check2* Suggestions:
This is an awesome piece, in my opinion!! Get a few more reviews & opinions of where it might benefit from clarification. (Then consider publication to a wider audience - Saddleback Publishing in particular comes to mind. Your readers will hope for more stories as well.)

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review Template WritingML: Story

I'm sorry, I do not remember quite how I found your story!! I had it marked as a favorite to come back and read, and read it this evening. I very muh enjoyed reading it! Hope you find this feedback useful - if not - ignore!!.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Oh, splendid! An excellent read, thanks for posting the story!!! I'm pretty sure I had read the first few paragraphs previously, when I did not have time to read it completely.

*Check2* Favorite part:
Not sure! I do like that they were 'all good guys.'

*Check2* Least favorite part:
The speaking style of the detective; it is both one of the things that drew me to the story, as I thought I recognized it, and which I also found off-putting, as it seems it has 'been done before.' You carried it off quite well, tho!!

*Check2* Characters:
Good -

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
All of them work very well, fitting with the story - or the story fitting with them!

*Check2* Plot:
Ah, now here you got me. Am sending a separate email about this.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
No distractions - nice!

*Check2* Suggestions:
Ahh - see separate email, if I may be so bold!

Thank you for sharing your story. It is a terrific read. I was highly annoyed (impatient to continue) when my computer froze partway through!!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review by Yemel
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found your Tribute on Random Reviews. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Uh oh, now you've got me concerned that my 'honest feedback' may have sometimes been too blunt, or inappropriately weighted... I have just added your piece to my favorites so that I can reread it several more times in the very near future, and periodically after that...

*Check2* Favorite part:
You present your experience effectively as a 'case study'! Also - enjoyed the phrase 'Winnie the Newbie' *Laugh*

I like very much the level of detail and chronology that you have presented here - 'showing,' indeed, what adjectives would not nearly as effectively 'tell.'

*Check2* Least favorite part:
The guilty feeling that I may not have been gentle enough in my attempts to be encouraging. i know that was not your intent - but it does very much make me stop and reconsider! So - bravo!!

*Check2* Characters:
Nicely portrayed and fleshed out

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Very consistent!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review of Uppity  
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I found your story while browsing through 'Requested Reviews' and 'Newbies,' tho may have clicked a different link. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Very cool story!! I like the collision of the two worlds, tho had it backward as to which was which!!! Was slightly similar to a play I saw recently - but opposite!

*Check2* Plot:
Good!
Why 'should have passed out'?
? - If tool left behind, how did man leave the first and second time?

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Pretty consistent!
'... out of his drawers..' - ! Maybe change this one...
'Full stop.' - funny!

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Good! A bit difficult to follow some specifics near the end, but generally consistent enough to convey story.

*Check2* Characters:
Good - but what is the significance of the girls' clothing styles?

*Check2* Dialog:
Good

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
No major distractions!!

*Check2* Suggestions:
See above for a few. The door opener seems to be an inconsistent and important detail.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review of Razors  
Review by Yemel
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh, my. I can't say that I wasn't warned by the title, but - oh, my.

I found your story while browsing 'Requested Reviews' and 'Newbies', tho may have also clicked a different link. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Oh, my (yet again). How tormented, how sad. Effectively conveyed. Nice job! Ouch.

*Check2* Plot:
Good. The general intent, given the title, is partly predictable, but the actual means and method were unanticipated.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Consistent and effective.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Effective, except for the unlocked door, in my opinion. (Yes, bound, but - safety precaution??)

*Check2* Characters:
Effectively conveyed.

*Check2* Dialog:
Inner dialogue very revealing - evokes compassion for character, even while not necessarily wanting him to 'succeed' on his terms.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Good - no major distractions.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Seems that his door would have been locked - possibly also the supply door; also, given the crashes of falling equipment, the delay of intervention seems excessive. Maybe have quite items drop first, metallic ones not 'til later??

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of Hunger  
Review by Yemel
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I found your story while browsing 'Requested Reviews' and "Newbies,' tho might have also followed another link. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Good intro - choice of name a bit confusing, as I had never run across it before, tho it is close to 'Wade.'

*Check2* Plot:
Very nicely crafted. Believable enough, tense, and moves along well (if lions have already gorged, they'd be more sluggish, yes? Not sure I'd try that, tho, even if I was quite hungry!!! S/He who fights and runs away...).

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Consistent and appropriate - nice!

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
effective word selections - 'congealing'
'putrid meal'
'reverberated w/in Wale bones'

somewhat distracting word choices:
'cavern of canines' - clever, but slowed me down - dogs? mixing w/ cats? fantasy story? - then I got it
If 'hunger forgotten,' why did Wale continue to approach?

Do kites have a warbling whistle? If so, excellent choice of detail (becoming better w/ my bird ID is on my to-do list *Wink* )

*Check2* Characters:
bit of confusion - 'arrogant and contemptuous' - had trouble deciding whether that referred to lion or to Wale

Otherwise nice - I vaguely kept track of the # of lions, for instance.

*Check2* Dialog:


*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Well-done, no major distractions

*Check2* Suggestions:
My biggest remaining question is Wale's situation - is he providing for self only? For others as well?

I also enjoyed the reference to 'grocery shopping'!!!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review of The Crash  
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh, nice one!!

Good set-up,

excellent brief snippets of dialogue to convey the heart of the story,

last lines possibly not quite necessary - do provide closure, but reader could hopefully guess that from the 'tensed, sighed... still.' So if you wanted - could possibly use that word allowance earlier, for adding to image of stroller or child or parent - or Tom himself - but - very, very effectively done as is!!!!!

Thanks for a great example of this 'genre'!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review by Yemel
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Oh, nice job here!!!

You have crafted an excellent read!! It starts off a tad slowly, tho evenly, relative to the rest of the story, then picks up as soon as she walks through the front door, and keeps going until the end!!

It doesn't quite gel for me when the stranger 'must have seen into her reverie' yet then says 'make no mistake, I know what you did...' Somehow, his words seem to suggest he is contradicting the sense that the reader already has, that the stranger knows what she is thinking about, when it seems like they are actually reinforcing that sense.

I also am amazed that the daughter would be at ease enough to be sleeping...

Nice little zinger at the end!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Oh, I like this story! Bit of a ghost story, yes? But a very different kind of ghost story than frequently found near Halloween!!

Your actions move the story along nicely, and it is a delightful story! Jacob's actions seem realistic, until the end (see below), and very well-chosen to get the story across.

Several times the tenses change unexpectedly, tho, which is a bit confusing. For example: 'Turning his head.. he saw...Thinking the coyotes are back again...' and '... Jacob stumbled, shocked to see it is a man he is chasing...'

(Similarly, replace 'toot' w/ 'foot'!! *Wink* )

I also think the story and its ending could be a bit stronger if Jacob was somewhat more stunned than he seems to be, at both his encounter with Jeb and and then with the 'coincidence' of his daughter's discovery in the school library. He kind of seems to be taking a good lesson from Jeb, but taking the experience as a whole much too easily!

Nice! Thanks for sharing it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
37
Review by Yemel
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi - I like the blurb advertising your story, and would like to read more about the boy's experiences!

I also very much like some of your word choices - 'mightiest...oak...humblest...ants'; 'lone boy'; 'trees with ...slow, deep words...butterflies with ...quick fluttering speech'- nice selections!!

I think your story could be improved, if you are so inclined, by cleaning it up/ editing it to remove extra words ('... the everything spoke...' - take out 'the') and split a few of your longer sentences into somewhat shorter ones (look esp. at the 'He went to school...' paragraph; consider breaking it into at least 2, possibly 3 sentences.)

Another word selection I particularly like is the '... most beautiful song... amplified across space and time....'

(I wonder of you have considered - or already also write - poetry?) Either way - delightful word selections, and a good idea!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh, this is a gem!!! *Delight*

Comments:

'the gray walls' - good -
suggested edit
'then again I’d never been thought a criminal before, so but I didn’t think complaining was going to help any.' [or some similar revision; reason: 'then again...so' doesn't work]

[insert comma after stink]

'which is what I'd been afraid of' - not clear - narrator was afraid cell mate *was* talking to him, or was afraid cell mate was *not* talking to him, but rather talking to the other?

'If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he’d hurt the guy’s feelings.' - not clear which him; if referring to the cell mate's feelings, how could he (narrator) have already known better, given the short acquaintance?

use of '#' - effective transitions between parts of narration!! *Smile*

First paragraph of backstory - nice!! Continues to draw reader in, and gets reader more 'grounded' in the setting.

[add comma after 'season']

next 2 paragraphs - good info for story, but somehow a bit awkward - not quite sure what point is being made in 'apparently' paragraph - the bit about corp not employing many people might be better as part of next par., w/ bit about job security (good info all, just doesn't quite flow evenly)

Oddity - when narr. 'looked around, knowing ... limits,' the reader gets a hint that the narrator may be hiding - which is a premature interpretation, I think

Why 'cold' certainty? Foreboding? Given narrator's actions/ inclinations, mightn't 'delighted' certainty be just as likely?? Or does narrator in fact have a sense that it'll be difficult to get a good outcome? Your version might be very consistent - my own reaction was confusion...but - that may just be me!!!

Effective choice of name for bot!!

During interview @ station - 'Better yet, the wood floors creaked under his weight. That decided them.' I follow what is happening, but not the 'better yet' and why 'that decided them' - ??

“How can you stand that?” he said, although, the smell didn’t seem to bother him much. I guess working down here with drunks hadn't smelled worse.

'Soon they relocated our neighbor and, [but?]if possible, things got worse.'

[delete comma after Sergeant]

[delete comma after 'although']

[delete 'the' re: having to repaint]

# *Wink*

Mage - I could go on, but only if you are finding this type of review useful - on the whole, I loved this story, even tho I usually am not a big fan of sci-fi. I loved its 'heart' You have a good protagonist, the story moves along well, there are enjoyable bits of humor sprinkled throughout, and, of course, it has a happy ending!! Thanks for sharing the story!! (It occurs to me that 'review' and 'edit' are not intended to be synonymous.... better late than never!! *Worry* Oops!!)

Best to you! Thanks again!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
Review by Yemel
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh my goodness, I *loved* this story!!!

Other than that, I am not sure I will be able to give you much in the way of constructive feedback!!

At first I thought the story might be about an ex - there were also hints that this was about a recent/ current romance, & may have been faint stirrings of suspicion - all this by the end of the third paragraph!

The dynamic between the cashier and the manager is interesting, as is the manager's imagined viewing of the pair of 'thieves'. Either or both of them could be areas for future development if you are so inclined. Is the mother-child pair as the manager imagines them? What mental & emotional adjustments might the manager have to make if he actually knew the real truth? Is there a side to the cashier, the manager, or the mother-child that we do not yet know of, something that will surprise us by contradicting our first impressions?

This is a beautiful piece! Thank you for sharing it - and the bio info! (Congrats re: NaNoWriMo!!)

Best wishes!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review of God's Telephone  
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow!! This is awesome - a beautiful story beautifully done!! I am glad to see that you already have this lined up for publication! I think many people will enjoy it. I certainly did.

The characters and situations are quite believable, and the story draws me in, enjoying and caring about 'what happens next' very quickly. It is also very timely for me, and so registers personally, but I think this story will 'ring' for everyone who has experienced or is facing significant loss and still is trying for hope.

A few suggestions:

the grief resolves - or seems to - much too quickly - a single evening and overnight of grief? Much too short. Consider perhaps moving the River Cry (excellent name!) paragraph to before the going upstairs?? But then something else would need to change, as certainly the grief is not sequestered as suggested in what would then be the previous sentence. Besides, your sequence goes much more smoothly as it is. But - this is much too quickly to believably move from initial onslaught to rather cheerful hope.

--> 'before I fainted' - 'before I could faint'? The story keeps moving, including the mother talking, which contradicts the fainting...

--> 'all I needed was a title (Max and the Microwave) - you already do have a title! :) Needs a brief edit?

[--> 'Max called from the garage' - but he had just spoken from 'behind Shea's back' - edit? Oops - I had mentally imagined a door to the back or side yard, rather than to an attached garage...]

--> 'silenced' seems a bit too strong here (at beginning), doesn't seem to quite fit (tho could be very true!!)

Hope this is helpful - thank you very much for the opportunity to read this!!! Best wishes!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent!!! This is a pretty cool story!

I don't quite follow the students' exasperation & intense dislike of the prompt; can't quite figure if they do or do not share Thomas's perspective. For me, this made the story start slowly, and it wasn't yet evident that it would be well worth a read - I am delighted that it was in fact very much worth it!!!

The 'dazzling smile' also doesn't quite seem to fit - makes me think of Lockhart in HP. Here, it is not yet clear whether 'Mr. Nelson' is a good guy or a bad guy. We have seen his actions and heard his words, but the smile is the only physical characteristic we are given, and it somehow distracts rather than adds. Would fit better, perhaps, if there were additional clues as to his appearance and/or the students' general perception of & experiences with him

(Those are the perceived 'negatives' - also the metallic screaming - is that a result of R. opening the locket??) The story's 'positives' greatly outweigh them!! Not sure I will do justice to those aspects, as they tend to stay hidden when they are done well, I think, but I can find:

--> good actions! I can picture the scene quite clearly in my mind, despite lack of many visual details - the actions drive and carry the story, and it moves along beautifully. I like the small pieces - I can picture the teacher sitting at the desk, debating with himself about going home, making the decision to stay - they ring true for me.

--> good use of dialogue

--> "Joe could hardly suspend his disbelief." Somehow this sentence is phrased awkwardly - noticeable mostly because the rest of the narration flows along so smoothly!!!

Nicely done!! Best wishes!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
42
42
Review of Kite Chasing  
Review by Yemel
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow! This is an excellent read!!

"Request Info: I would like to know what you think of this. Good or bad, all reviews are appreciated."

Some people might say that the sports metaphor is overdone - but despite not knowing what all your baseball terms meant (and your narrator took the time to explain a major one!:), I think they added to the story immensely, kept it going rapidly. ('They' = sports metaphors; the suspense-creating allusions to having done something awful also pulled me along.) It's interesting, too, that they seem to have served as a detaching mechanism, providing a way to talk somewhat objectively yet passionately about the sequence of events without getting hung up emotionally... (side thought - is that already one function of participating in and following sports, for 'guys' in our culture, that they provide an 'acceptable' venue for those emotions otherwise considered 'unmanly'? Apprentice anthropologist here...)

If you are interested in a philosophical discussion re: whether or not the character has in fact lost his morals, I'd be happy to participate (in a separate thread of some sort).

The first paragraph draws me in immediately; it might benefit, however, from some revision, as you have got three metaphors going on at once. The slippery slope and the fish work very well together. The kite, though, only matches the title - otherwise it is a completely new curve ball (so to speak). It is a good image - just a bit confusing when first reading it, b/c as a reader, I thought I had missed something already.

The cat story is also good - possible point of debate as to differences between putting an animal out of its misery and the later actions in the narration - but - would be a moot point, b/c the heart of your character's dilemma is quite different, and speaks to very human concerns.

I loved it. Hope to see other examples of your writing! Best wishes! (And thanks for an excellent read!)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
43
43
Review of Untitled 7  
Review by Yemel
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice!! I enjoyed reading this, and was drawn in pretty quickly!

Excellent story development - it is very believable in personalities, attitudes, and situations. I was disappointed with the lack of specifics re: the life in Savannah; the reason for this relative omission gets clarified later in the story, but I believe the story could be/ would be stronger if the Savannah portion was more developed; same for the character of the wife.

Not sure if all the pieces hang together on closer inspection/ rereading - for example, none of 'what' would have happened? Ultimately, why was this not Des's fault? And/or what 'this' is N. speaking about? (That part in particular only makes partial sense. There are at least 2 possibilities which might be under discussion there, and for one of them, there might be a good argument for holding Des responsible - and isn't that what the other nurse is implying that N. was hoping to get Des to do?) How long has Des been where he is? Is this the first major incident that he has had? What else has happened in the interim that the reader does not yet know?

(Also - psych. misspelled...)

Great job moving the action along w/ dialogue, and nice balance of current & past (images interweaving). Good post-funeral details re: living conditions.

Lots of possibilities here for more storytelling - and very much worth continuing to work on!! If you choose to continue with this piece, I'd be very interested in reading it again!! Best wishes!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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