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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/young837
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6 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by C Young
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed reading your piece. I had once considered writing something very similar (man left by himself on a space station) but more from a daker point of view. I like your take on it better.

What might a more compelling read is changing the plot to where the corporation ultimately wanted him to construct an AP, but not tell him so.. According to the old cliche, necessity is the mother of invention. Perhaps their goal was to find the right guy and set the right circumstances without the character knowing so that someone would almost be forced into creating an artifical personality from a completely fresh perspective?

I had a few problems with the pacing. Some of the paragraphs around where you give background on the AI/AP problem kind of bogged the story down for me. I would try to do more with less words.

I would also cut the first two paragraphs of the story. It gives away the ending.

You do a good job of showing how awful Peter is as a companion, I might put a little more in on showing why Humphrey needs a companion.

Overall, at the heart of this piece is a very good idea. With some tweeks, it could be a very good read as well.

Thanks for the opportunity to read your story.
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Review by C Young
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As a police/fire/EMS dispatcher, I really appreciate the opportunity to take a look into you world.

Regarding your story, it loses a lot of it's energy once the emergency is over. The first part of the story definitely had me interested but after the emergency was over, I was kind of wondering what was left. The climax (the successful outcome of the emergency) should be more toward the end of the story. I would try to develop Paul's character by giving little quick glances at his life during the emergency to add his personal tension to that found throughout the story.

Something that was a little jarring to me was the fact we heard Paul's inner thoughts, but could not hear what people were saying on the other side of the phone. If the story is from Paul's perspective, we need to hear everything that Paul hears.

I might also describe the dispatch environment a little more. It may not be the same in your part of the business, but there is palatable tension that rises in the room when something like you are describing happens. Let the reader see, or maybe more correctly, hear that. You might also consider shortening what people say in your story. I don't know if air ambulance dispatchers talk like Fire and EMS dispatchers, but we talk in very short bursts, if you know music at all, kind of 'staccatoish'. That could help raise the tension.

You have some good material to work with and a compelling story. Keep up your efforts in bringing us your world. It's not easy trying to write the 'Great Dispatch Story'. Trust me, I've been trying for ten years and haven't managed it yet.
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