Interesting style. I like the playfulness used to describe a serious topic. I would encourage you to think about your Nietzsche and Tolstoy references, however. These references both fit but it seems that other authors would fit here too. If you are going to reference the cannon, I would encourage you to keep your allusions precise. Otherwise you are giving the reader power to put words in your mouth. When used intentionally it can be effective, but here the references feel a tad arbitrary.
I love your first line. This is a great opening and fantastic employment of a non sequitur. Also, I appreciate how your couplets work with the ideas of echoes, a steady rhythm, and even a dance between lines. Your punctuation is interesting. Did you mean to use a hyphen or a dash? I'm thinking the second. Typically, I would recommend dropping this punctuation, but here it highlights a sort of call and response which is relevant to music reflecting the abstract.
How can you coax out more emotion and bring the poem full circle? What words can bring out the silence and the boom of the drums? How can you use repetition to capture the trance of music?
First off, I would like to commend your use of form. Your line breaking is fantastic and emphasizes rhythm in a manner that suits the rest of your poem. Also, your final stanza is excellent. I love the alliteration and tone of "the banal I hold brazen."
I see that your last line brings your poem full circle and has a repetitive purpose. However, endurance seems to be the effect your poem is working towards. Is this worth restating?
I think that your are off to a great start here and would like to adress a few things specifically.
Line 1: Nice use of alliteration. Are the words "upon humanity" needed? Omitting this could improve rhythm and make your piece less "wordy."
Line 2: I'm not sure if immense adds to the way your reader will interpret trails and tribulations of life. Again, consider omitting this.
Line 3: Awesome! This line highlights a specific effect and propels your poem.
Line 4: "We seem never separated" is interesting as it implies a double negative, but it feels clumsy.
The rest of the lines in this stanza feel spot on, as does your second stanza which is by far the strongest. Nice work and you are close to a great poem!
Starting your story in the thick of things is a good intuition. The dialouge is pointed, but runs out of steam when the characters begin describing things. Your characters know about the funhouse. Let them show the story and avoid telling the story. With that aside, your dialouge is organic and convincing.
Your character seems to be having doubts as the night progresses which makes him more likably and adds an element to the story. How can this uneasiness be coaxed out of the reader with tone, metaphor, imagery, or foreshadowing?
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