Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was such a haunting story. I was pulled in from the first paragraph to the last.
My favorite part had to be:
Somehow I find myself on my knees, one hand raised to stifle my sobs while the other rests against the stone, as though I can reach out and touch his dear flesh once more through the cold, hard surface.
Wonderfully written with powerfully dark imagery. Well done!
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)The plot is wonderfully done. I love the twist at the end. I won't spoil it for other readers! :)
2)The story is rich with dark imagery and untertones. Great descriptions!
3)The only part that I had issue with was:
See, here is where they buried the first of those who died. The placement of the stones indicates the care and grief of the stricken families, back when that care and grief still mattered, before we all gave in to the inevitable and simply disposed of the bodies as quickly as we were able.
I would suggest an edit here for clarity. Something along the lines of:
See, here is where they buried the first of those who died. The placement of the stones indicates the care and grief of the stricken families. As we move deeper into the graveyard, you can see where we all gave in to the inevitable and simply disposed of the bodies as quickly as we were able. What a shame that care and grief became so common place.
Just my suggestion. :)
4)The main character was well written and fascinating. The other characters introduced were written well for the parts that they played.
All in all, this was a great short story and I am very glad to see that it won an award-i-con. Much deserved, in my opinion.
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was this is a very good prompt driven story in under 300 words.
My favorite part had to be:
Lisa held her hand up. "Spare me the details, I already know them."
Brilliant use of the prompt to end the story. Bravo!
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)I am not sure how many words you have left to use, but I would suggest throwing in a few decriptive adjectives to provide the read with more detail. What did Joshua look like? How about Lisa? What color was her bathrobe?
Other then that suggestion, I found this to be a very well written piece of flash fiction. Great job!
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was "I love kittens!" the poem did a marvelous job of capturing hteir curiosity and quirkiness.
My favorite part had to be:
If there is a laser pointer on the loose,
the kitten will turn herself inside out trying to catch it.
Wonderful, wonderful, humorous image!
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)At places, the poem did not flow as well as it could of. Mostly, I think this was from the lack of syllabic meter. The first line of the poem is 15 syllabals while the second line is 11.
2)I did not notice a rhyming scheme to the poem.
Other then that, I found the poem to be a good read with some wonderful imagrey that brought a smile to my face. I am glad to see you took 3rd place with this poem.
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was what an interesting poetic structure.
My favorite part had to be:
across a whispering meadow
and through an idyllic sea
o’er the corners of my mind
and past my destiny
I love the word idyllic and it is wonderfully used in this stanza.
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)It took me a few reads to figure out why you chose this structure. From my perspective the italicized side would be your inner self and the plain text would be what other see of you. Pretty intersting. I think it is something you should play with more for clarity.
2)The rhyming scheme seemed to be haphazard. I would suggest adopting a consitent pattern.
3)Also, all of your stanzas were 4 lines except the second stanza. I would suggest making the structure more consistent as well.
I thought the verbiage in the poem was spectacular and the imagrey grand. I give you applause for that.
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was thid is a very good first attempt at a Shakespearean sonnet.
My favorite part had to be:
You are a contradiction of surprise.
I really enjoyed this comparison.
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)There are several places in the poem that I felt could have used a comma for flow, such as: I prayed for you,butyet gave you naught but frost. I also added a minor edit to avoid the 2 buts in 6 words.
2)And while I drown my empty soul with cries
You serenade the other with your song.
The rhyme seems forced here. I would suggest changing it to be cried from your serenade. Also, serenade implies song so I would suggest tweaking the last part of this line.
3)Until you came the mile, my heart was lost!
I was puzzled by this line. You may want to rethink it.
My hat is off to you for your valiant first attempt at a Shakespearean sonnet!
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was "Bravo! I think this should be required reading."
My favorite part had to be:
#9)Please, please, please, type in normal English.
I almost immediately ignore any review in which someone is typing in, as gamers call it, LEET SPEEK. Gah, it is so annoying. Especially, when they use it and harp on your punctuation, grammar or spelling.
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)I think #7 should be expanded to include ..., I hate ... in poetry and/or short stories. In my opinion, it is just poor form and lazy. If your story or poem needs ..., then you are not doing a good job of setting the rhythm in your piece.
2)I think a #11 is in order. In formatting short stories, indent and space for Pete's sake. It is almost impossible to wade through a wall of text, even if it is a good story.
3)#12 should be: label it correctly. I can't count how many times I have clicked on an item label poetry, only to be staring at prose.
Great job! Well written, concise and to the point. I applaud you. :)
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was interesting free verse style.
My favorite part had to be:
because my life has been revolving around your
Haphazard ways.
This portrayed the longing mood of your poem so well and so simply. Nicely done!
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)In places I felt the poem did not flow as well as it could. Namely in:
Like the Hope Diamond you shimmer
translucent blue and hopeful
over the sky and my heart.
I traveled to the top of Winston’s Hill,
the highest point in West Laurence, Kansas
I think a few line breaks could be inserting to make it flow more smoothly.
I think you did a great job of capturing the romance of a blue moon and the longing for things you felt missing. While I may not have chosen free verse for this subject matter myself, I felt you did a nice job with it.
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was this is a inspiring story of the moments of death. I can only wish that when it comes to me, that it is as gentle for me.
My favorite part had to be:
I closed my eyes, shutting away the pain of night, and welcoming the bliss of ignorance. All I felt was her gentle stroke of hair, her warm breath, the still night. I felt a peace that had left eons ago, revolving through and out my young slow drumming heart. A peace once experienced under the late night glow of the TV, my head resting on my father’s lap as he stroked my hair.
This is a very moving image. Nicely done!
I also really enjoyed:
I watched with curious fascination as melting droplets of water beaded and jerked down a long icicle which hung from an overhead tree branch. My eyes followed each drop pushing the other forward down the slope, until finally they hung off the curved tip of the ice. I waited for stretched minutes until the molecules threw in the towel and let go of the ice, allowing the droplet of water to free fall through the cold stilted air. The drop hit red liquid, disturbing the stillness in my puddle of blood. More drops continued to descend into the lake of red which flowed free from my scalp, into the many crevasses of ice, then down into the gutters of the road.
Another rich image that had me rereading it several times to absorb it.
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)This is a great story and wonderfully written. The only issue I had was with the point of view. I think you managed to pull off the first person rather nicely, but I do prefer third person point of view in stories.
2)I would have liked to see more description of Brody and Gwyn. The main character as well, if it had been written in third person.
This is a powerfully, well written story that gripped my attention in a chokehold and made me read until the end. Wonderful!
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was this is a playfully told story about aliens much different than humans and what they may be like.
My favorite part had to be:
Even though Ton reached the edge of the red spot first, protocol meant that the oldest should enter first. In the blink of an…oh dear, the beings had no eyes, so that saying has no meaning on Jupiter. In the space between one breath and another…no, that won’t work either, since the beings don’t actually have lungs. They simply and very efficiently absorb the thick atmosphere by osmosis.
This paragraph made me chuckle and smile. Well done!
Here are some suggestions that I have:
1)Keep writing, I could find nothing to criticize and could offer no suggestions to improve this story. I think it is a gem as it stands!
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first impression was "Wow, this is such a well written and thought out analysis of the argument on religion vs. science (yes I know it's an over-simplification.)"
My favorite part had to be:
Suppose I write a sentence like this: My grandmother ate chicken and cheese puffs until she didn’t know where all the cheese puffs went to. Apart from my comment possibly showing disrespect to my grandmother, the sentence ends in a preposition. Suppose you claimed that ending a sentence in a preposition is grammatically incorrect. If I wished, I could ask you to prove it. You would prove your position (or mine) by referring to a rulebook of English grammar, which is an appropriate way to prove an assertion about grammar. But suppose you claimed that my grandmother never ate chicken and cheese puffs together. You might prove your assertion legally (by calling witnesses who observed my grandmother’s eating habits or producing a journal by my grandmother attesting she had never eaten the combination). You might prove the assertion historically (by proving cheese puffs did not exist in my grandmother’s day). But you would be silly to try to prove your assertion grammatically. It isn’t a question of grammar at all.
I think this was a marvelous was to illustrate the semantics. Great job!
I really enjoyed this essay. I had never thought about the framework from which we base our proofs before in this manner. i was left asking myself many questions about the assumptions that i myself live under. Thank you for sharing this essay. it is very well written! I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
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