I would almost call this story a fable. It lacks the cohesion to be called anything else. It gives no details about anything other than what is happening. Nothing is described - people, places, things. I don't know what to think. First, there are spelling and grammar errors covering this piece. Most are in the last half. About that same point in the tale, it doesn't focus on anyone. It looked like it was going to be about the flirty girl, Katie. But thne she disappears. Then it ends with a nameless, aimless, meaningless shooting. A police man blathers something like a sermon, and it ends. Now, I don't want you to answer the following questions to me, I'd like you to go through the tale and answer them from the words written, not from what you were thinking when you wrote them; Who is the main character? Why does the story end like this? What do the beginning and the end have to do with eachother? What are you trying to say in the tale? These are some of the larger questions I had when i read it. I can't find the answers to them. And there are more! Keep it flowin'.
The ending totally is abstact. What is it supposed to mean? And more importantly, how is someone supposed to know, without writing you to ask? I also notice one glaring omission. The Hindu faith is not represented. No Vishnu, I think it's spelled. Yet Odin, a Norse god, is here. What? It's well written, but it's flaws can't be overlooked by the fact. Keep it flowin'.
This is a weird piece. The ending makes no sence. Why did Billy explode? I like the idea and the repedative way it's written, driving the point home. But what point? Also, try to eliminate all words that end with "-ly." It makes the writing better. I'm trying to do it too. Keep it flowin'.
This is a dang well written story. I kept expecting it to be about a bank robbery but it's about so much more. It kinda lost me after the whole take down of Sanchez. I'm not a fan of the romance stuff. I like mine to be real. =) But it's plotted well, could maybe be expanded into a novelette, or something. The complaint I have is you have commas freaking everywhere, where there's no need for them. And there are a lot of missing quotation marks, which make the dialogue difficult to read. Having to reread something three times to catch it, only to have it be talking is way frusterating. Except for those it's awesome. Keep it flowin'.
I just read this whole story, then looked at who wrote it. I've looked at your stuff before! I can't remember what, but I thought this piece sounded familiar. I've read the style!
N-E-way, I think this is like an Oprah book club tale. Feelgood all over. It's written kinda like a journal entry, dry sorta. Maybe the use of many simple sentences? Not much flowery language? I think that's it. Not really my cup of tea. Not bad, but not mine. I don't know what to suggest to make it better. ? Just not my style. Keep it flowin'. Oh, the beginning is boring. For all the action that's happening and fear that should be dispayed, there is NONE. Maybe change the style for the first few paragraphs to make it exciting!
I read The Lost Man, and I didn't care for it. Then I realized I had written something just like it some time ago. Then I liked it more. =)
But I LOVE this. I don't know why. Maybe it reminds me of FLCL(fooly cooly). Or maybe real thought. I like the descriptions. I'm all about those. It's confusing as heck, but that's what's alluring about it; trying to unravel its mysteries. Mind if I copy it to my hard drive to read later? Please?
How do you write something like this? I would love to be able to! Please be in contact with me. I love this. Keep it flowin'.
This is an interesting story. I think I like it, but nothing about it stands out as particularly outstanding. But it's good. You're from England,huh? Is school there anything like school here? Keep it flowin'.
PLEASE don't just reply to this! Read+review me! If you're just going to respond, don't bother!
Technichly well written but having little point of existing. I'm not dogging you, I'm just observing. Not a climax or resolution in sight. Nice descriptions of things. Now all it needs is a plot! =) Keep it flowin'.
PLEASE don't just respond to this! please read+review me!
the zeromaker
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