Zhen's (zhen) Reviews

Zhen

Review Requests: OFF

571 Public Reviews Given

586 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I try to give comprehensive reviews.

I'm good at...

I like reviewing poetry and short stories.

Favorite Item Types

I really love structured poems with good rhythm and rhyme.

Least Favorite Item Types

I don't enjoy reading long stories riddled with grammar or spelling mistakes because these distract me.

I will not review...

If I don't enjoy reading it on some level, then I won't review it. So if you got a review from me, even one with a low rating, I enjoyed the read.

251

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2507806

Review of Baker's Jacket

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello carryback

,

¡ W e l c o m e t o W r i t i n g . C o m !

What I enjoy most about this item is the twist at the end.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4

: I was captivated and I felt interested in your world. You have interesting ideas and articulate them well. With a few changes, I believe this could be a publishable short story.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

5

: I found nothing to distract me! If advanced, foreign or profane language was used, I found it furthered your writing and I enjoyed your creativity. I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning. Your writing carried me on a journey you designed from beginning to end.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

5

: I found your work interesting and I wanted to keep reading. Your thoughts are well organized and highly developed. Characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly and leave me with no questions.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a mystery ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

3.5

: I can recommend this work to other with confidence since it is reasonably concise. Your writing answered most of my questions and touched on most of the relevant issues. However, I’m left with a few questions:
Whose are the voices on the radio?
I assume the bitterness Barker tastes is adrenaline – is this what you want your reader to think?
The talking hole in the floor, left as is, has too much unreality. Is there another, realistic, interpretation of the same events that you can include to help readers interpret your ending?

Star Total: 4 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 3.5 = 22.5
Averaged: 22.5 / 5 = 4.5
Rated: 4.5

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

252

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2430662

Review of I'll never know

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello triathlete

,

¡ W e l c o m e t o W r i t i n g . C o m !

What I love most about this item is how clearly you depict this life experience.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

3.5

: I enjoyed how much the emotions came through but I felt pushed away by a few typos.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4.5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece.

The Brief Description includes the phrase “felt an infactuation” but I think it wants to say “felt an infatuation”.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

3.5

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing, and I enjoyed the simple vocabulary used because I think that’s what makes the emotional experience clearer. The few typos I found are:

“I know it would” – I knew

“An infiedel I'm not” – An infidel
The second typo bothers me a lot because I haven’t seen infidel used in this context before and your intended meaning escapes me.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

5

: I found your work soothing and I wanted to keep reading. Your thoughts are well organized and developed. Characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly. Although this may be the same kind of poem done elsewhere, I am still happy it was here for me to read.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a poem about love ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

4.5

: I would recommend this to others with confidence. Whether fiction or non-fiction, I was left with few questions and feeling that I gained in understanding without much effort on my part. Unrequited love isn’t a topic that is put in front of my nose often enough.

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

4

: Your poem flows nicely and develops a life experience well. I was seldom distracted or left wondering what you meant or what rhythm I was supposed to feel in spite of the total absence of punctuation. You’ve paid good attention to the composition of words.

Star Total: 3.5 + 4.5 + 3.5 + 5 + 4.5 + 4 = 25
Averaged: 4.2
Rated: 4.0

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

253

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2423788

Review of Brownie

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello Celticeagle/km2007

,

¡ W e l c o m e t o W r i t i n g . C o m !

What I love most about this item is how very touching the ending is. You write this moving story well.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

3.5

: You have a good story and it unfolds well. I believe a revision (to correct typos and stuff) could be published as part of a collection.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

2

: You have an abundance of typos. Please don’t be discouraged by this long list, and please understand that typos reduce a reader’s enjoyment of your work. My purpose in providing this list is to support your in finding and correcting typos:

“each spring, lots of cats and a dog or two” – it looks like there is extra space after the word lots, before the word of…. But extra space is really hard to see and it might just be my eyes!

“Came home long enough” – He came home…

“There was also 10 Dogs” – Another cat on grandma’s farm was named 10 Dogs since the time I found him….

“Now we are getting warmer.” – This sentence isn’t serving its purpose. I know what you want it to do and actually your paragraphs are doing that very well. I’d suggest deleting this sentence to enhance the overall effect.

“I don’t even recall where Brownie came from.” – I don’t even recall where our dog Brownie came from.

“he acted very protective of” – he was very protective of

“When ever grandma and I went to leave” – Whenever Grandma and I started to leave

“arrive at grandma’s side but” – Grandma’s

“dogs could smile he” – dogs could smile, he (comma)

“Grandma wasn’t happen but” – Grandma wasn’t happy but

“full rein of the house” – reign

“usual sleeping spot and grandma” – Grandma

“Next time we came out into the kitchen” – The next time we walked into the kitchen

“of the roost, the grey tabby” – of the roost, and the grey tabby

“had known it would have scared her into” – had known I was climbing in that quarry, she would have been scared into

“helping grandma” – Grandma

“continued to hear the hissing and spitting” – I think there might be a

after the word hear.

“had sprinted away from the” – It looks like there is another

after the word from.

“and all of us waited” – and we waited

“tell the glum look” – tell by the glum look

“the prognosis.

Wasn’t going to be good” – the prognosis wasn’t going to be good

Don’t tell your story as if it’s a flashback. Simply tell the story as if it’s fiction. So all those verbs that are conjugated in one of the Perfect tenses (eg: have walked, had walked, have been walking, had been walking) should all be changed to Past Simple and Past Progressive tenses (eg: walked, was walking).

Please don’t feel discouraged by this list since your story achieves the primary goal of touching the reader and it unfolds well. Continue to read a lot since that really helps most people grasp the fine points of grammar. Your vocabulary is great. As your spelling improves through reading you can use the spell checker less. Spell checkers are sometimes misleading, but they’re a good reference.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

3.5

: You show classic, archetypical thinking. Your writing is clear but may be the same kind of thing done elsewhere; nevertheless yours is active with good quality storytelling. It’s easy for me to visualize most of the story.

“A leg had been mangled” – which leg? Be specific to help me “see” the cat.

– In the opening you introduce two cat characters who never reappear in the story. Don’t do that to me!

I want to know what those cats did and how they interacted with the main characters!

If you don’t want to make a really big revision for yourself, then I suggest listening to the Irish ballad that has the refrain “… the loveliest of all was the unicorn”. In this ballad, many characters are briefly introduced and not used later. I can’t think of another example where that’s been done; it seems that most writers introduce only necessary characters.

– Don’t ignore the other senses. As a reader, I want to be able to taste the fruit, smell the farm, hear the animals, touch and feel the furniture in the house, the thistles in the yard… And when an animal is content or trapped, I want to see the color of her eyes, the pace of breathing, I want to hear his voice, I want to see the fur on Brownie’s neck before he attacks, I want to smell the rat’s fear of dying, I want to feel Brownie trembling in my lap…. This is the kind of writing that your readers will refuse to walk away from and will ask you for more.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a story about friendship ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

3.5

: I can recommend this work to Writing.com readers with confidence since it is reasonably clear. Your writing answered most of my questions and touched on most of the relevant issues. Although the story doesn’t move its type to a new level, it does achieve classic expectations.

Star Total: 3.5 + 5 + 2 + 3.5 + 3.5 = 17.5
Averaged: 3.5
Rated: 3.5

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

254

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2418629

Review of Queen for a While

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello Kenzie

,

So touching!

What I love most about this item is easy you make it for me to understand how this decision might have been difficult for you, and how easily you made it.

In sending this review, I deleting most of my template, because it simply doesn’t apply. I’ve read several items in your port while choosing one to review, and found that I feel I can contribute to none of them and am only in awe at how well you write, and how easily it seems to come to you. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

5

: I was completely captivated and I felt welcomed into your world. I believe this should be published if it hasn’t been already.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

5

: I found nothing to distract me! I enjoyed your creativity. I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning. Your writing carried me on a journey you designed from beginning to end.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

5

: I found your work original and I very much wanted to keep reading. In fact, each item in your port inspires me to continue reading other items. I also felt motivated to look up your former employer on the internet. Your thoughts are very well organized and highly developed. Characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly and leave me with no questions.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ testimony of a decision made long ago ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

5

: I would recommend this to others with confidence as it reveals profound decision making.

Star Total: 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 = 25
Averaged: 5.0
Rated: 5.0

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

255

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2416233

Review of Holding up The Wall

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello qaz4

,

¡Welcome to Writing.Com!

What I love most about this item is how creative it is ~ this makes it interesting and unpredictable!

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4

: You have interesting ideas and articulate them well. With a few changes, I believe this is publishable as part of a collection.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description doesn’t sell the piece since it only explains your thinking while you were writing. Whether in a bookstore or on the Internet, your wrapping needs to sell your work.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

3

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing. The few typos I found are listed below; please keep in mind these are only my suggestions:

“Why are you standing over there, are you holding up the wall?” – Why are you standing over there? Are you holding up the wall?

“knowing that when I need to” – need it (because ending with a preposition sounds strange even though this isn’t the end of a sentence).

“when happiness and excitement is multiplied when shared” – when happiness and excitement are multiplied by sharing (or, by being shared)

“scream my successes for the world to see, “I’m proud of you”.” – screams … “… of you.”

“its beautiful character.” – its beautiful character?

“Once it too has” – I was confused as to whether it is The Wall or the earthquake. I got it figured out after re-reading the whole paragraph.

“but we’re still alive” – we’ll still be alive

“When my friends username” – Since my friend’s username

Please double space (

) all your paragraphs as this makes for easier reading. You might prefer to see others’ opinions on this, in which case please check out "Invalid Item"

.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4.5

: I found your work original and I wanted to keep reading. Your thoughts are well organized and highly developed. Characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly and leave me with no questions. At this stage of development, this piece doesn’t have the quality of literature, but I can feel in the form and rhythm of the story that it has this potential. I’d recommend developing this, but not by following the usual advice of trying to make it seem more exciting. Instead, I’d suggesting reading some stories by authors you and your English Department like… I think one of them might give you more inspiration that my suggestions might give. Really, this story has potential; I hope you develop it.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ creative writing ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

4

: I can recommend this work to others since it is reasonably clear and developed.

Star Total: 4 + 4 + 3 + 4.5 + 4 = 19.5
Averaged: 3.9
Rated: 4.0

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

256

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2268193

Review of Mortal Hands

Review by Zhen

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hello GregRyan

¡W e l c o m e t o W r i t i n g . C o m!

What I love most about this item is how generously you see a global perspective of our actions.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4

: You have interesting ideas and articulate them well.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4.5

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing. The last verse is very much about hands but concludes with our sight.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.
The few typos I found are:

“” –

4

: Your thoughts are well organized and well developed but it feels like you’re pulling your punches. The references to pagan deities – those our churches consumed – is great and shows creative thinking. I think the poem is asking to be longer: what I read feels like a sketch that shows me a few lines, some interesting shadows, and just when I want to see the picture you’re developing, you change topics. For example, the first stanza reads like a reference to Revelations; if so, develop it more. Build one of the scenes or take one of the characters. A character can be more interesting since s/he can continue into other stanzas.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a poem about who we humans are, what we do, and the possible consequences ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

It’s not there yet, but has potential. Each stanza has a really interesting, creative thought that wants to be developed. I’d suggest developing them not linearly, but interweaving them. When everything suggested in your current poem is fully expressed, then it may move this type of poetry to a new level.

3

: What you say so far is not informative enough. Some further development of your ideas / characters would be beneficial.

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

3.5

: Visually, it is clean, offering no distractions from the moving experience. I was seldom distracted or left wondering what you meant or what rhythm I was supposed to feel. I recommend developing the life experience you depict further. I think the line, “Agapé is murdered” wants a comma at the end.

If you feel like experimenting a little during your re-write, you can try another structure or rhyming scheme. You can find other schemes in "Poetry Forms"

by Bianca

.

Star Total: 4 + 5 + 4.5 + 4 + 3 + 3.5 = 24
Averaged: 4.0
Rated: 4.0

If you make the changes I recommend, please let me know because I’d like to read the expanded poem!

Please include a link to your item in your email; "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

257

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2202932

Review of Don't Get Your Hopes Down

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello EDWARD KENNETH

¡Welco me to Writin g.Com!

What I love most about this item is its upbeat and encouraging message.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4

: You have interesting ideas and articulate them well. With a few changes, I believe this is publishable.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing. The extremely few typos I found are:

“without hope, cannot long” – no comma

“With wisdoms wrath” – With wisdom’s wrath

“in common, to simply persist” – The original has no mistake but I’d like to offer these words as a suggestion: in common: they simply persist

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4.5

: You show creative thinking and each stanza made me feel that I wanted to read the next.

“Someone should write a new expression” – Is there a way to rewrite this without the word should?

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ an encouraging poem ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

4

: I can recommend this work to other with confidence since it is reasonably clear and concise. Your writing touched on most of the relevant issues.

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

4

: Your poem flows nicely and develops a life experience well. I was seldom distracted or left wondering what you meant or what rhythm I was supposed to feel. You’ve paid good attention to the composition of words.

“Someone should write a new expression” – the syllables fit but the rhythm is less obvious on this line, because the loud and soft syllables are in a different rhythm.

Star Total: 4 + 5 + 4 + 4.5 + 4 + 4 = 25.5
Averaged: 4.25
Rated: 4.0

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

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Write on!

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#2200840

Review of Give A Thought ...

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello Pennywise

Thought provoking!

What I love most about this item is the issue your raise with Christmas, asking us to open our minds. Christmas is usually spent focusing on ourselves and those few whom we most love, it’s easy to forget everyone else.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4

: You have interesting ideas and articulate them well. With a few changes, I believe this is publishable.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

5

: I found nothing to distract me! If advanced, foreign or profane language was used, I found it furthered your writing and I enjoyed your creativity. I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning. Your writing carried me on a journey you designed from beginning to end.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4.5

: I found your work original and I wanted to keep reading. Your thoughts are well organized and highly developed. Your message grows as the writing unfolds and leaves me with no questions.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ an awareness-raising effort ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

3.5

: I can recommend this work to other with confidence since it is reasonably clear and concise. However, your writing raised questions in my mind that weren’t answered and no links were provided to find the answers easily. Can we do more for these characters/people than only think about them? What sort of structured outreach is available for those who are inclined?

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

3.5

: Your poem flows nicely and depicts a life experience well. I was often left wondering what rhythm I was supposed to feel at the following lines, and have included my suggestions on how these lines might be rewritten – but these are only suggestions!

“Friends and relatives come from near & afar” – delete near &

“So, was little Tommy bad this year?” – Tell me, was Tommy bad this year?

“For the only present, that he receives is fear.” –

“Because Daddy’s been drinking this Christmas time” – delete because

“is his favourite pastime” – Dad’s favourite pastime (unclear pronoun as well as rhythm)

“cold and all alone” – delete all

“” –

“clean and tidy for when they get back” – delete clean and

“Mandy, a runaway living on the street,” – Mandy who lives on the street,

“Trying to keep warm and striving for a bite to eat” – Who wants to keep warm and find something to eat

“do just to keep herself” – delete just

“and left for dead” – and half-dead or and near dead

“Liam writes a letter to Santa and asks for a baseball bat,” – Liam writes Santa, he wants a bat (This is still off-rhythm… it needs the slow opening that “Christmas comes” has.)

There are several others but this is enough to give you a good idea of what to look for. You chose at the outset a peppy, sing-song rhythm and I think that is a good choice for your message. I think the way you structure the content is good. But your on-message, serious stanzas lose that rhythm. This rhythm is what I hope you can focus on when you revise your poem.

Star Total: 4 + 5 + 5 + 4.5 + 3.5 + 3.5 = 25.5
Averaged: 4.25
Rated: 4.0

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

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#2165490

Review of Psychic Reading

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Hello Psychic

¡Welcome to Writing . Com!

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

I also looked at your port since you’re a newbie, and will include in this review how your portfolio changes my impression of this piece. Your port currently has no other items and your Bio Block is not set; this empty feeling does change my interpretation of an otherwise well-written static item. You can say more about yourself in the Bio Block by in a section on your Account page.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

2

: You have interesting ideas and articulate them well. With a few changes, I believe this is publishable copy. The lack of other items and lack of Bio Block gives me the feeling that this item might be an advertisement for a site on psychic readings rather than a sincere attempt to improve your writing through community involvement with other writers. The end result is that although your writing is good, and almost persuasive, I mostly I felt distracted or pushed away by your writing. To avoid the impression of holding an account for advertising purposes, please share more about yourself in your Bio Block and create some other items in your portfolio – perhaps a story about how psychics accurately predicted, something.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

2.5

: There are enough typos that I cannot read all the way through without hesitating to catch your intended meaning. The purpose of this list is to support you in finding and correcting typos.

“explore your inner thoughts and wanting” – wanting isn’t a noun.

“something that you need to ask yourself if you should have once or twice” – This phrase doesn’t read smoothly.

“ the simple question “why do I need a psychic reading.” ” – the simple question “why do I need a psychic reading?” – I recommend changing this sentence so the quotes don’t end at the end of the sentence. Left unchanged, I’m looking for ‘said Bob’ to know who the fictional speaker was.

“When you connect with your inner self then you will always be able to see for yourself why you are giving yourself something bigger.” – Self is repeated too often in this sentence.

“I chose to have my first psychic reading because it was at a point in my life that I felt really lost.” – Replace because with when. Delete ‘it was at a point in my life that’. End with ‘really lost at one point in my life’.

“inside of my heart” – Maybe this is regional, but I prefer ‘inside my heart’.

“I recommend everyone to have an online…” – Delete to.

“A website that I have found to be very useful is” – The sentence is the start of a new paragraph.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

2.5

: To publish, your writing has to touch your reader and unfortunately I’m left untouched. I found the meaning unclear and I had to reread to get what you meant. The standard plot is not taken to a new level. On the off chance that this item might be advertising copy,

“they are truly trying to give to you something that they never personally had” – This phrase makes me wonder why I might want to buy something that the seller doesn’t have.

“Psychics from around the world should understand that a psychic reading is something that should be given from the heart.” – Absolutely, but if this is advertising copy, this sentence dissuades me from buying on the grounds that maybe not all psychics give psychic readings from the heart.

“I have always been a big fan of psychics” – This phrase gives an impression of dishonesty after reading “I chose to have my first psychic reading because it was at a point in my life that I felt really lost”. Copy is more successful when it avoids creating this impression.

“My suggestion is to look them up in a search engine and then contact them.” – This might be bad advice, if this is copy. I followed the first part of your advice and found the following quotes:

an experienced detective insists that no psychic has ever helped his department solve a crime

The Australian Skeptics will throw in an additional $100000 (Australian) [about USD 75000] for the psychic and $20000

And rather than exercise wary consumerism, “Christian site argues that psychics rely on "familiar spirits," which are devils.”
Thus, if I were to follow the rest of your advice by contacting psychics, I would do so only to ask why they haven’t taken the Australian Skeptics challenge.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ an invitation to use psychics ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

2

: I would not recommend this to others until such a time as your portfolio has a Bio Block and you have more items that show you are interested in getting feedback on your writing, rather than posting a single advertisement copy. The crux of what you say is flat and not informative enough and there may be mistakes in your thinking or misinformation, both of which can cause widespread confusion.

Star Total: 2 + 5 + 2.5 + 2.5 + 2 = 14
Averaged: 2.8
Rated: 2.5

If you make the changes I recommend, including changes in your portfolio, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

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14 days may be credited.

#2161505

Review of Do you believe in ghosts?

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello Illyria

This is a fun poll!

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

3.5

: You have interesting ideas. With a few changes, I believe this can be a really great poll that other authors at Writing.Com might refer to when writing about ghosts.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece but is misleading; consider changing magic to ghosts. The Brief Description doesn’t sell the piece. What could you use in the Brief Description to hook readers’ attention?

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

3.5

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing, but found a few typos distracting. Here they are:

“Have you ever seen anything unusual” – This question needs to end with a question mark.

“ghosts, and magic” – Since your poll answers are about ghosts, not magic, I would recommend deleting , and magic.

“Please answer this…” – This sentence is the start of a new paragraph.

“please preview, there is a reward.” – please review. There is a reward.

“Yes I believe!” – Yes, I believe!

“Kind of but.” – I kind of (or sort of) believe, but I have some doubts.

“Never seen, never believed.” – I’ve never seen one, and never believed in them.

“I seen something, but I don't think it was a ghost!” – I saw something, but I don't think it was a ghost.

“Yes, I did a spell.” – I think this option has so few votes because it isn’t very different from Yes, I believe! so I recommend deleting it completely.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

I like that you use different colors to give the text a different feeling.

4

: Interactive writing is clear but may be the same kind of thing done elsewhere; nevertheless yours is active with a good quality of participation. It’s easy for me to take part if I want to.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a poll to see who believes in ghosts ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

4

: I can recommend this work to other with confidence since it is reasonably clear and concise. Your writing touched on most of the relevant issues. Interactive writing is easy to participate in.

Star Total: 3.5 + 4 + 3.5 + 4 + 4 = 19
Averaged: 3.8
Rated: 3.5

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

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14 days may be credited.

#2158531

Review of Death God

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (2.0)

Hello sociology

¡Welcome to Writing.Com!

What I love most about this item is your willingness to share a semi-wake dream.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

2

: Needs work, but do not be discouraged! An item receiving this rating is not beyond salvation. By making the changes I’ve recommended below, you can clarify your work. This will help you develop your writing skills and increase your exposure on Writing.Com.

Captivate your reader by providing descriptions that make the reader feel welcomed into your world. Provide descriptions for all five senses, not just visual.

Articulate your (or your characters’) ideas clearly. Dialogue can be used to clarify complicated ideas for ‘slow’ readers like me!

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

3.5

: The Static Item Type can also include Experience to capture a wider audience. The Genre isn’t appropriate since the story doesn’t really include any death or any ghosts. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description lets reviewers know what information you are looking for but it doesn’t really push the item into my reader space. Whether in a bookstore or on the Internet, your wrapping needs to sell your work.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

2

: You have an abundance of typos. Please don’t be discouraged by this long list, and please understand that typos reduce a reader’s enjoyment of your work. This list is from the first half of your story. If you make the changes and want me to help you find other typos, please let me know. My purpose in providing this list is to support you in finding and correcting typos:

“my voice ran out” – Do voices run out?

Voices don’t carry, and sometimes they croak.

“even my hands nor feet” – Neither-nor as in: Neither he nor I will be there.

“suddenly my memories were pulling back together…....” – At most four dots. Also, it will help the reader understand more if you include that the character is remembering a dream (if this is the case).

“It was a cold autumn afternoon I was wearing my best blue polo shirt and khaki pants with…” – autumn afternoon. I was

“a dozen of roses on my right hand” – a dozen roses in my…

“Sally on her uniform” – Probably in her uniform

“I went nearer and nearer to her” – I approached her

“She stunned when she saw me” – She was stunned, or she looked stunned

“our eyes were staring at each other” – our eyes locked

“her round blue eyes, mesmerized by its beauty” – …by their beauty [two eyes]

“your contact lenses aren’t match the other one’s blue and the other’s red” – …lenses don’t match. This one’s blue and the other is red…

“Good luck to your party” – … luck with your…

“go now!” She said” – now!” she

“I ran to the comfort room” – Is this a bathroom? Widely known names for a bathroom include: WC, water closet, washroom, restroom, powder room, loo (in the U.K.), and in Asia, the toilet. It’s the first time I’ve heard this called the comfort room. From where does this terminology originate?

“faced the mirror before I took some actions” – looked in the mirror before heading out the door

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

2

: Your work uses many clichés and your meaning is confused. The presentation is scrambled and difficult to follow. Word choices are simple. Here is a list to help you get started on your revision:

“I woke up one day only to find out that I was blind. Was it really blindness? Or was I already dead?” – As an opening to your story, these thoughts need to be developed further to allow the reader a sense of who the main character is, what the experience of waking up blind is like and what being blind means to the main character. Ditto for the idea of being dead.

“Oh my pretty Sally here comes your perfect guy!” – Maybe some guys do think this way as they approach a pretty lady, but it’s hard to believe, and the character in your story doesn’t have to be real, but instead believable. Truth is often stranger than fiction.

All capitals tends to make the reader feel as though they are being screamed at. It doesn’t always give the reader the impression that one character is screaming at another character.

“LEAVE!!!” He shouted.” – this is overdone.
(a) he, not He
(b) one !, not three (!!!)
(c) he said. Or, leave,” he shouted. But not both ! and shouted.
(d) Not all caps.

The ending is a widely known joke. Can you think of another unexpected Reaper?

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a story about waking up in the morning ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

2

: I had to reread to understand what you’re (or your character is) saying. Your ideas are not fully developed. Some further development of your ideas / characters would be beneficial. However, re-thinking the story would also be beneficial. Dreams, while fascinating while we are half-awake, are generally not very interesting stories after we’ve had that first cup of coffee. Try another spin on your ghost story ~ in will generate more exposure on Writing.Com.

Star Total: 2 + 3.5 + 2 + 2 + 2 = 11.5
Averaged: 2.3
Rated: 2.0

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

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14 days may be credited.

#2145182

Review of A Father's Lament

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello rl

,

¡Welcome to Writing.Com!

What I love most about this item is that I learned to see life from a new-to-me perspective while reading your poem.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

5

: I was completely captivated and I felt welcomed into your world. I believe this should be published.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4.5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description gives too much away – I’m glad I got the experience of reading your poem without knowing the information you give in your Brief Description.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

5

: I found nothing to distract me! I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning. Your writing carried me on a journey you designed from beginning to end.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

5

: I found your work original and I wanted to keep reading. Your thoughts are well organized and highly developed. Characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly and leave me with no questions.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a poem about observing a wedding ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

5

: I would recommend this to others with confidence. Whether fiction or non-fiction, I was left with no questions and feeling that I gained in understanding without much effort on my part. Your writing carried me.

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

5

: Your poem is true to life experience and is deeply moving. Visually, it is clean, offering no distractions from the experience of your poem; I felt like I was there. Your choice of words was perfect for carrying me through this experience. The punctuation (or lack) provided a clear, intentional rhythm.

Star Total: 5 + 4.5 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 = 29.5
Averaged: 4.92
Rated: 4.5

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

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263

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14 days may be credited.

#2045573

Review of Otherwise a Meadow

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello NanoWriMo2018 Into the Earth

,

Clear images!

What I love most about this item is the visual clarity of the game.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4

: I’m impressed with how well you portray the involvement a spectator feels while observing players play the game. You have interesting ideas and articulate them well. However, I didn’t like that the images are sentimental and could show any player at any game, although I think you did this intentionally.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre could have “opinion” removed from the list. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title absolutely sells the piece! The Brief Description doesn’t sell the piece; instead, it tells me why you wrote the poem. I think your motivation for writing should be clear in the passion of the poem. Whether in a bookstore or on the Internet, your description needs to sell your work.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4

: I found nothing to distract me! I enjoyed your creativity and find you are good at creating empathetic emotions in me while I read. I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning. However, I wasn’t completely carried on a journey you designed from beginning to end, because your writing didn’t create in me directly felt, strong emotions ~ only responses. I wonder if this is because you wrote the poem in first person?

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, stanzas tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4.5

: Your thoughts are well organized and highly developed. It’s easy for me to see the game you see if I want to.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ a poem about an observer watching players play a game ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

3

: Your poem is reasonably clear and concise, and it illustrates what an involved observer experiences. Some further development of your ideas would be beneficial ~ can you rewrite this poem so it becomes a leading example of its type?

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

3

: Your poem develops a life experience well but I didn’t find it deeply moving. Visually, it is clean, offering no distractions from the experience of your poem; I felt like couls be there if I wanted to be. I was left wondering what rhythm I was supposed to feel, but that’s probably because I prefer rhyming schemes over modern free-form.

If you want to try rewriting this poem in another structure or rhyming scheme, you can find other schemes in "Poetry Forms"

by Bianca

Star Total: 4 + 4 + 4 + 4.5 + 3 + 3 = 22.5
Averaged: 3.75
Rated: 3.5

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1900125

Review of The Last Day of the Unicorn

Review by Zhen

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello Little Bobby

,

Your story kept me thinking about it afterwards!

What I love most about this item is how touching and real you make the animal’s impressions and emotions.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4½

: I was completely captivated and I felt welcomed into your world. I believe this is a great outline of a story that needs to be developed more. The story develops very well but then it moves too fast at the end. We could get to know Adam more and the beginning and then spend more time with him during the burial.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4½

: I found almost nothing to distract me! The wonky and drunken dialogue furthered your writing and I enjoyed your creativity. I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning. Your writing carried me on a journey you designed from beginning to end.

“and arrest any troublemakers” – one more paragraph break

after this line.

“the treachery of the humans” – the treachery of the humans

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

5

: I found your work original and I wanted to keep reading. Your thoughts are well organized and highly developed. Characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly and leave me with no questions.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

5

: I would recommend this to others with confidence. I was left with no questions and feeling that I gained in understanding without much effort on my part. Your writing carried me.

Star Total: 4½ + 5 + 4½ + 5 + 5 = 24
Averaged: 4.8
Rated: 4.5

Some contests you might want to consider submitting this to are:
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#1881323

Review of A Little Too Late

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello angeltearz

,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

3

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre reads, “Emotional :: Relationship :: Romance/Love” and I think it could be simplified to: Romance/Love. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. I think the Body Content Rating should be ASR. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description is misleading and doesn’t push the item into my reader-space. Whether in a bookstore or on the Internet, your wrapping needs to sell your work.

Please see "Content Rating System (CRS)"

for more information about Content Ratings.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

3½

: Very little distracted me, but found your choice of words lacking in creative use of language. The few typos I found are:

“realy” – really

“serious” – seriously

“when i did” – I

“and i can't turn back” – I

“alwayz” – always

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

3

: This is a good sharing of your emotional experience, but keep in mind that lots has been published on the topic of first love. To publish, your writing has to touch your reader and unfortunately I’m left untouched. The standard plot is not taken to a new level.

Cute spelling, as in “alwayz” had its place in writing: you could re-write the whole poem in this style. But to use a little of this kind of spelling in a standard English context doesn’t work very well.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

2

: I would not recommend this to others. The crux of what you say is flat, so I didn’t gain in understanding the experience of first love. I also wasn’t compelled to remember my own first love experience while reading your poem.

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

3

: I find your poem boring. I’m left feeling nothing, but a poet’s aim is to leave me feeling something in response to his or her writing. I recommend developing the life experience you depict further. You might try rewriting this poem in another structure or rhyming scheme. You can find other schemes in "Poetry Forms"

by Bianca

Overall Impression

2

: I enjoyed a few aspect but the occasional cute spelling and flat delivery of a topic that can touch many hearts pushed me away from your writing. Do not be discouraged! An item receiving this rating is not beyond salvation. By making the changes I’ve recommended, you can clarify your work. This will help you develop your writing skills and increase your exposure on Writing.Com.

Star Total: 3 + 3½ + 3 + 2 + 3 + 2 = 16½
Averaged: 2.75
Truncated: 2.50

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly.(Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. {litem: 560037} explains how.) My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1797271

Review of Let me introduce myself...

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Tammy~Catchin Up~

,

What a great idea!

I love this way of getting to know you! I’ve been very puzzled with figuring out how I want to organize and separate my autobiographical writing from my fiction. I’m going to give some thought to this approach you’ve used. It’s great!

I’m writing this review using my new template. It still has some built-in glitches; I hope you don’t receive any of them.

If you do, let me know and I’ll alter whatever needs to be changed. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4.5

: The Genre is okay, but you have, “Genre: Personal Biographical :: Experience” ”. Would you consider, “Genre: Biographical Experience”? I think Personal is very obvious. But if you’d still like to include it, perhaps it can be the last Genre listed?. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The title and brief description sell the piece. However, there is a tiny typo:
“Come in and find out about me.....” – me…
Since you’ve used the 3 dots … in the title, I’d recommend using a period.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing. The incomplete sentences I found are:

“A folder for my items on me.” – Example: This is a folder…

“My autobiography and poetry on my feelings.” – Example: It contains my…

“All are true and/or based on my feelings and thoughts.” – Example: All you find herein is true…
Complete sentences have both a subject and a verb, and you can be really creative in choosing these. (I wasn’t very creative in my examples.) I know titles use phrases, but this is your folder and it has too many title-like phrases, especially in the body.

The titles of the items listed in your folder do catch my attention and make me want to read them. Although, I’d open the one titled “My Box” with some trepidation and will blindly trust your E-rating on that item.

Overall Impression

5

: I was captivated and I felt welcomed into your world. I like your use of WritingML and I believe you have a great approach to autobiographical material.

Star Total: 4.0 + 4.5 + 5.0 = 13.5
Averaged: 4.5
Rounded: 4.5

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll increase my rating accordingly. My goal is not to make you feel bad but to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Save money and do shoulder checks,
(a.k.a.: Peace and power to you, always,)
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#1743274

Review of Poetry Forms

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)

Hello b_boonstra,

Le Huitain, c'est pour tous!

This is an interesting poetry form! It isn't too hard to master and it gives a nice rhythm.

Description

I had to stop, re-read, and look several things up in French, English and Latin dictionaries to feel that I understood your short description. The purpose of this list is to support you in finding and correcting typos:

"Aristote" -- Better known in English as Aristotle, I'm real glad none of us ever had to learn how to write his name in Greek! (Aristote is his French name.)

"Tasso, stood " -- Tasso stood as

"century the huitains were" -- century Huitains were

"the definitive form of the huitain was formed" -- was developed, was set, was established (so as not to use form twice)

This is not a typo, but I re-read the sentence 3 times before I got it. "un huitain enlace an enclosed huitain which has a rhyme scheme: AABAABCC" -- What confused me is you've mixed two languages with no indication. Consider these changes: Un huitain enclacé: an enclosed huitain has the rhyme scheme AABAABCC. Similar recommendation for the next two lines.

"le huitain quadripertitius caudatus" -- the four-part huitain with a tail.

I'm giving this section a low rating because I think foreign language needs to be entwined in English text more smoothly.

Rating: 2.0

Poem

You give us a true-to-life poem that is well organized and is a very good illustration of the huitain. Your images flow reasonably well but I think more punctuation would help. One part wasn't clear for me on first read, and that's the line "Minds processing secrets". But after I re-read the poem again (which I consider normal in poetry) I got it.

Rating: 4.0

Entry Rating: (2.0 + 4.0) / 2 = 3.0

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1742359

Review of Poetry Forms

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)

Hello b_boonstra!

The Kyoka was called crazy?

I think it's very cool that you found Japanese poetry on a Dutch site. It's also interesting to observe what behaviour or product different cultures label as being crazy, funny, and so on.

Description & Poem

No grammar or spelling errors distracted me while I was reading your work. (I love being able to say that!

)

Description

Your writing is well organized and clear. The visual presentation is good.

Description Rating: Nothing is wrong. But the description doesn't capture my heart and make me want to read more. 4.5 stars.

Poem
Terraces are filled
people loving in the sun
not in Amsterdam
local government forbids
seats outside until March 1st.

You capture a bizzare moment of life very well. (Did this really happen?) And your poem is a great example of the rhyming scheme. This is a good snapshot of life.

Poem Rating: 5 stars

Entry Rating: (4.5 + 5.0) / 2 = 5.0 (after round up)

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1740711

Review of Poetry Forms

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)

Hello b_boonstra,

I love π!

Description :: 2.5 stars

As a former mathematician, I have a special affinity for this entry. I've been wondering if you can insert the lower case Greek Pi symbol into your text, so I'm giving that a try in my review (π) to see if the result is worth the effort.

Since typos take a reader's attention away from the story, here's the list of what distracted me:

"sixteent" -- sixteenth

"Greek alphabeth. But Pi is " -- alphabet, but

"The Pi is built up in words and follows the mathematical number that stands for Pi" -- Delete The. Pi stands for the number, not the other way around. Consider: Pi is a transcendental mathematical number, which means it never ends. The first few digits are written as Pi = 3.141592653589793.... You can use this text if you like.

Your Poem :: 5 stars

I like the theme of painting. Math and art are very related so it is a good choice. And indeed, when painting, the picture seems to paint itself. You give very good visualization and your thoughts are clear.

No grammar or spelling errors distracted me while I was reading your work. (I love being able to say that!

) I do have a request:

"a landscape finished." -- Would you consider removing the '.' since Pi never ends?

Entry Rating: (2.5 + 5) / 2 = 4 (after round up)

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1739703

Review of Poetry Forms

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)

Hello b_boonstra,

A friendly reminder to me and everyone who reads this review: the star rating is for this entry only. When I'm done, the book will get the average of these star ratings.

What a Interesting Poetry Form!

It's going to take me a little while to get the hang of how I'm going to review these entries. Each entry has two parts: your explanation of a new form, and an example.

Your explanation is clear but has some room for improvement in grammar and flow.

Your poem makes me see the storm you chose to write about. It's very clear.

I do like how well your book is organized and want these reviews to start to reflect the same.

Since typos take a reader's attention away from the story, I'll list only those instances in which your writing reminded me that I had to work at reading.

These

aren't sentences

"Another Englyn form."

"Only an unspeakable name, I’m afraid for this Welsh form." -- Perhaps, "I'm afraid, for". Without this, it sounds as though you're afraid for the form, making me wonder what danger the form is in!

I know that isn't what you meant, and that's why I think the comma helps.

"Why?"

This

was confusing.

I can't see your ML colors or highlights. Please check your ML.

"The green part in the third sentence is the gair cyrch!
I also highlighted the A rhyme in the poem, so you can see the actual place." -- You don't have a single-spaced paragraph in between these two sentences, do you?

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1738794

Review of Poetry Forms

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)

Hello b_boonstra,

A cool form!

I like this form, but was disappointed to find it's one of the ones for which you haven't written your own poem yet.

This is a rating of your text, not Trisha MacQueen's poem. (I should also state it's a review of your entry, not your book.)

The visual presentation of this entry is clear and your explanation is good. I also like the historical note. However, I think it would be better to put all the information into at most two paragraphs.

No grammar or spelling errors distracted me while I was reading your work. (I love being able to say that!

)

This entry is getting a lower rating because it doesn't include your own poetry.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1737894

Review of Poetry Forms

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)

Hello b_boonstra

I like how your mind works!

There are very few people in this world who can read an ancient estimate of Pi and think, That's a poem!

While I do enjoy your collection of poetry forms, you will find me a picky reviewer. This is because I want your book of poetry forms to be the best that it can be.

The description of how to make this kind of poem is clear. The Genre surprised me because when I went to check I had this idea that I'd find: Writing :: Poetry. Afterall, this is a book on how to write poetry. I found "Educational :: Research :: Writing.Com". Let's look at this:
Educational Yes, your book is Educational, but so are books on doing tantric sex, yet these two books won't be found side-by-side in a book shop.
Research You are doing great research, finding all these poetry forms. I am doing no research, as I am using your research. If I lose your book and need to find it again, research is going to be the last thing on my mind.
Writing.Com Great art brings people together, as do useful resources. But bringing people together isn't its primary purpose.

I really like the poem itself. To stretch your mind from math through poetry to other art, it does wind up feeling like you've got more than one brain, doesn't it?

What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling, however, typos take a reader's attention away from the story. I'll list only those instances in which your writing reminded me that I had to work at reading.

"the description of the Archimedes' Pi:
I quote:" -- too many ':'. How about, 'Pi, I quote:'?

"line 6: 6 words." -- You had no punctuation on the previous lines, so I think it looks cleaner if you have no punctuation on the last line. (delete '.')

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1719182

Review of A different view

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.0)

What a Thoughtful Poem!

You're obviously taking time to consider world issues and that's commendable. Do you have a theory as to how all the kinds of behaviour you list got started? For example, do you think it's our nature? Do you think it's something we started doing in the process of creating civilization? Whichever you think, I think your opinion would add to your poem.

You've touched on some of life's experience but a lot is still missing. Consider the tropical storms happening in the world now, the submarine stuck on a sea floor with people trapped inside, or other top headlines. Do you see people still helping each other?

I like the visual presentation of your poem. Your ideas are clear, but I think they can be developed more.

Your Static Item Type makes sense to me, but your Genre is Philosophy :: Action/Adventure. I don't understand Action/Adventure, are you sure?

I think the content rating could be lifted to ASR, because some of what you touch on (weapons, torture) isn't for young children. Please see "Content Rating System (CRS)"

for details.

I like your title and brief description.

You used free verse, which is fine. If you like writing poetry then you might like taking a look at "Poetry Forms"

by Bianca

.

I saw only two typos that took my attention away from your writing:

"stableize" -- stabilize

"ever- disillusioning " -- ever-disillusioning (remove the space)

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1606573

Review of Noticed

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Another absolutely wonderful poem - I really am impressed. The genre works as well as everything else.

This one line doesn't seem to me to flow quite as well as the rest: "The Grisly Bear sleeps through winter."

And I found myself wondering, why did you end the poem with a comma?

Write on! (& publish your work, it's that good)

Peace and power to you, always,
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#1596950

Review of Maelstrom

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello T.L.Finch,

Have you considered publishing your poetry? It is that good.

There are two lines in this poem that didn't flow perfectly for me, although they are very good and my opinion is subjective. I am including these two lines here so that you can take a look at them if you want to. I have no suggestions for improvement; I am truly impressed with your writing.

Feared by silently brooding soldiers

So, be it by the gun or by the bomb.

Now, to genre: You classify your work as Fantasy :: Entertainment :: Artistic, but I think it is a war poem. To me, 'fantasy' conjures happy images of unicorns and other similar creatures. Would you consider changing the genres you've chosen to War :: none :: none ?

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
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