i don't like this.
it feels lazy, it feels gimmicky, and it reads like gibberish.
I am nobody, I am an anonymous text bubble on the internet, so if you disagree with me then just look away and ignore me, and there will be nothing I can do about it.
it's one thing to play with stanzas and syntax and sentence structure, but I looked through your account and this is all you do.
try writing something different, try writing something that really means something.
get out of your habit of picking a phrase and jumbling it until it never meant anything, and write something with purpose.
I apologize for being so negative. Again, if you disagree and you're just writing for the sake of it then ignore and move on with your day.
short, simple, to the point. Personally, not a huge fan of rhyming in poems, i think it kinda infantilizes the tone, but this also does give the vibe of a children's vibe, so I suppose it's fine. To it's credit, I'm sure i'm envisioning the very same picture that you were while creating this poem, so props to you.
I enjoyed your poem, I like the messaging that the warmth of the sun rouses us from depression and that sad times are temporary. I think the rhyme scheme is fun, but I think also rhyme schemes inevitably tend to trap you, because you start out with two great stanzas, but the rhythm kind of falters after a little while as one tries to keep up the pattern. Overall, though, I really liked it.
Good story, I appreciate the attention to detail, it's clear that you are knowledgeable about hiking and hiking culture. I didn't expect the twist at the end, which is always a pleasant surprise when reading something. I do have some criticisms though. Firstly, and these are something that will quickly go away with practice, the technical errors. There are some missing commas, some misspelled words, some unneeded punctuation. I would recommend pasting this into a google doc, and letting it show you some of the grammar mistakes. My other criticism is that while the ending is surprising, it is also a little confusing. You make reference to the fact that Ash is an old friend, but the reader has no way of knowing that. Perhaps add some little details that will add up and form a more cohesive plot.
Overall, great job, keep writing.
i enjoyed this story. It gets to a core theme and plot with limited words, and it does it effectively. I understand the narrator's paranoia, and I feel sympathy for Claire. In addition, I like the first line a lot, it sets the tone quite well. However, there are a few lines that feel weaker, and that only serve to complicate the story, for example "why are they torturing me", brings up the question of 'who is they?', which would be fine if you were writing a longer story, but since you have so few words, I feel it might be better to stick to less confusing imagery.
Overall, great job.
I quite like this, it's silly, it's light-hearted, it evokes childhood well, it reminds me of calvin and hobbes, and how no matter how much calvin wills people to see his perspective, they refuse. the dialogue is realistic, the scenery is nice, the story as a whole flows well. nice job!
I like this poem a lot, it manages to convey an actual message while maintaining a rhyme scheme, and it has a nice rhythm to it. I could breathe in and read a line, then breathe out and read a line, if that makes sense.
I think what makes it interesting is also what makes it a bit tedious, the rhyming, while fun, kinda traps you and makes some lines pack less of a punch.
overall, good job
I like this a lot. the basic premise is unique and I immediately understand your perspective from the first line. My only criticism is that it feels kinda jumbled together. Perhaps you could add a few spaces, commas, remove a few contractions, etc.
overall, great poem
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