Regret (part 2)

Sara’s ex had found another girlfriend, not long after their breakup, and for some reason she found herself devastated. Perhaps it was because she couldn’t see past her own feelings to see that other people had feelings too, or perhaps it was just lingering feelings that refused to go away. Whatever the reason was, Sara found herself at a local café again, for another girl’s night. Feeling rejected twice-over, she found herself getting irritated by her two friends who were currently having no problems finding guys.

Finally looking up from her chocolate milk, she noticed a couple friends hanging out a couple booths down from theirs. Gaining energy, Sara walked over to them and chatted with them for a while, before professing her boredom to them. Gary suggested that she go talk to a guy that he and Tim knew. Having nothing left to lose, she walked over and began talking to this guy. Not really the people person, the guy, whose name turned out to be Dustin, was at first a little irritated by Sara’s bubbly energy, but soon he started to warm up to her.

Seeing that her friend was getting more attention, Rebecca took it upon herself to work her way into the booth between them. With Rebecca practically sitting on his lap and flirting with Dustin more and more, Sara decided that she wasn’t going to take it anymore. Sending Rebecca on a ridiculous errand, she then scooted back over to the spot she felt was rightfully hers. The night continued this way, with the two girls fighting, wordlessly, over who would get to sit next to him.

Morning began to set in, and they realized that it was almost five in the morning. No one had realized they’d been out so late, and Rebecca soon grew tired. Sara drove her home, and then returned to the café to reassure that she would be the one that would end up with Dustin. Staying another hour, she decided it was time she too went home and got some sleep. After giving Dustin a big hug, upon his request, she got in her car and drove back home to the place that she’d been trying to escape for so long.

No matter how tired she felt, Sara could not bring herself to sleep. All she could do was think about the day’s events, and all of the events that would follow. Dustin wasn’t really her type. He was pretty cute, and he had that bad boy image that young girls so desperately crave, but he had no job and no life. That wouldn’t have been a big issue, but he was in his twenties, and so he was definitely old enough to at least have a job. His attitude, Sara would later find out, was also nothing she would end up wanting. How could she say no to someone who actually wanted her though? How could she let an opportunity to have some fun go by?

Going over the whole night again and again in her head, Sara realized how pathetic Rebecca had been. How could someone be so desperate and back-stabbing? She assumed that only time would tell. Rolling over in her bed she glanced around her room. She could not yet see the irony that this place she rebelled so hard against and hated so much, was her one true safe place. It’s where she returned to, at least a couple times a week, to catch up on her sleep and restore her image in her own mind that she was still just some innocent little girl.

Dustin and Sara went out on a few dates, most of which involved getting drunk. Things were going well thus far. Sara snuck Dustin into her parents house while they were at work, and without admitting it to herself, began tarnishing her “innocence” more and more. She cried after he left. The stains on the mattress and the dirtiness she felt refused to go away. How could she lay down and be with a man that she barely knew? Scolding herself she began thinking, ‘I was raised in church and taught right from wrong! I know he doesn’t want to date me, but maybe if I keep trying he’ll come around! We had a few moments where he really seemed to like me, so maybe he really does!’ Those thoughts began to run together, and then seemed to just disappear into thin air as new ones made their way in. ‘What’s wrong with what I did?’ she began to now question as though in debate with someone, ‘People do things like this all the time, so why can’t I? Nothing bad can happen, and even if something tried, I would never let anything bad happen to myself!’

As she began to show more interest in Dustin, he began to show less. He would ignore her when she was talking, and if she scooted closer to him he would scoot further away. Normally this would be a good sign that one should move on, but Sara was determined to find someone to give her some love and affection. Trying to get him to like her more, she began to have sex with him whenever he wanted and would do anything he asked of her. He will come around, she assured herself, he just needs to know that I’m willing to do anything to be with him. Soon he began wanting more than just a bed-partner. Money and food became his new interests, and she would give him everything.

How could he be not interested at all? Sara just couldn’t understand. He was always so friendly and loving when they were at one of their many drinking parties! Things all became very clear when they were hanging out with an old friend of Sara’s one night. Sara and Dustin were in Dustin’s truck listening to music in a driveway, while Dustin’s friend Terry and Sara’s friend Michelle were squirting each other in the drive way with a water bottle they had found in one of the cars. Michelle walked over to the truck dripping wet, and the two girls began laughing. With Sara sitting right next to him, he leaned out the window and said to Michelle, “you know, you look really sexy wet like that.” Picking her jaw off the floor and convincing her heart to start beating again, Sara sat there contemplating what she had just heard. How could he say something like that to another girl when he was supposed to be with her? Life had just stopped, and she felt dead again.

Acting like nothing had been said, she somehow survived the rest of the night. Sara went back home. Back to the home that she knew would make her feel better. Back to the only place she knew wouldn’t hurt her. She thought nothing could hurt her there, but she would soon learn different. While lying in bed one night, Michelle called her and told her that she had been at the café talking to Dustin. Sara thought nothing much of it, and gave a weak, “that’s cool.” But Michelle continued on, “he said that he doesn’t really like you, he said that he wants me and not you.” Her heart stopped beating once more, only this time, she wasn’t sure it would ever start again. Not knowing what to say to this new bit of information, she retaliated with, “well if he doesn’t want me and he really wants you, then why am I the one that he’s sleeping with?” Without hesitation, Michelle retorted with, “Because you’ll give it up! Why else do you think he’d want to be with you?” Now Sara knew it for sure, her heart would never beat again.