My Life

I’m drowning deeper and deeper into the dark. My arms reach out for something substantial to grab, but in my world there is nothing. Nothingness is what I have, what I will always have. This constant spinning in my head, this unsettling overwhelming feeling surrounding my entire being, my soul. What is it? Tell me what to do. I need to realize that there is no help, there is no savior that is going to make all of my dreams just miraculously come true. This is life, whatever that means. Life, to live, breathing air, pulsating body. That thump, thumping in my chest, is that life? No it’s mechanical, it’s chemical, it’s science. So what is life? What is my life? I can’t seem to care anymore. I am slipping, I feel it. I go through these bouts of banality, these normal, ordinary days that fly by without a thought, a real thought. Then there are these days, where I can’t stop hurting. The entire day from the moment I open my eyes it all just hurts. I throw things in my life away like they mean nothing. I guess if I throw them away, they probably don’t mean anything, to me at least. I hurt people, discard their feelings and that’s not me. I don’t do that, but I do. I wake up every few months and change. I just say the hell with it, no more, I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore, I always do this I let people down feel like shit get over it and get better and months later I do it all over again. For too long now, for years I’ve done this, I do not know how to stop. I don’t know what I am looking for, but it’s not here. I feel like I am being pulled in a direction that I’ve never heard of before, that I’ve never seen before. I don’t know how long I can do this, how long before I break.