How To Kill a Plant

How To Kill A Plant
By: the Black Thumb, a.k.a. Jennifer Michael

Yes, boys and girls, my trademarked program is made for anyone who's always wanted that black thumb!  Think about it, don't you have friends who can do this but you never could figure out how?  Here's your chance to show them you've got the right stuff!  It's so easy and requires almost no effort; most can do it while going about their daily lives!  Follow my easy 8-step guide and I'll guarantee that anyone will be a plant-killer in no time.

1. Buy a plant.
2. Throw out any directions that were included.
3. Immediately transfer it into another pot.  Be sure to shake loose any extra dirt, you wouldn't want to bring that into your clean house!
4. Introduce it to your pet; he/she'll love it and they'll have tons of fun playing together!
5. Put your sweet green friend in lots of sunlight!  None of those shady blues!
6. Try to set it on the floor, near the stairs or an entryway.  Your family's feet will introduce themselves, I promise.
7. No watering for this baby, you wouldn't want mud leaking out onto your floor, would you?
8. And finally, when your brown little friend has shriveled up into fragile little curls, find it a new home!  They love new people and didn't you overlook your garbage man last Christmas?

That's it, see how easy it is?  I promise you'll be a pro like me in no time!  Check out my website if you have any trouble at www.ninnies.com.  There's a whole troubleshooting section in case you have problems with new green sprouts or mutant roots.  Please note this guide does not cover any relative of the cactus family; if you need that, download the upgrade called "Maiming Yourself: How to Spot a Plant's Defense Mechanism."