Trains

i've noticed that i hear the trains at night now, their low and bellowing horns slicing through the hushed whooshing of air left behind speeding traffic. i never noticed them before. every night now, it seems as if they get louder and louder, sometimes even waking me up from a once in a lifetime peaceful sleep. it's an exclaimation mark to my thoughts. one that wakes me up in the middle of the night. one that gets on my nerves.

it reminds me of a certain ex-boyfriend's bedroom. his window faced a short little backyard filled with trees, which were bare in the short three weeks we dated that winter. behind those trees was a railroad. every time we sat in his room, as i watched him getting high on rocks of white and leaves of green, it seemed as if at least three trains would come through in an hour's time. i know that's probably an exaggeration, but it was really metaphorical to me. so much was happening out there that i wasn't a part of. so much time was wasted. i was with this guy for no reason at all. i'd watch him and his buddies get stoned and i'd be the odd one out every single time. we had absolutely nothing in common. except maybe our mutual love for the song “wonderwall” by oasis. oh, that and the fact that we worked together. i didn't belong there. i didn't belong with him.

desperate times call for desperate measures. let's just say i was in a dry spell. a very dry, boring spell that meant i'd go gaga over any decent-looking male who smiled at me. sounds pathetic, right? i was in the midst of a heartbreak, and what does a girl do to get over that? she either eats ben and jerry's until she goes up a size or she tries very hard to move on. it doesn't matter who. it doesn't matter how. the only requirements for this male specimen is that he has to be entertaining, have decent looks, and a car. no strings attached.

thank god i got over that.

maybe i noticed that last train horn because i'm sitting in the silence of this apartment, waiting for cody to come home. i wouldn't really call it waiting, even though it's what i'm doing. after moving out to middletown for college, i don't really have any friends close by or the gas money to fill up my tank regularly with pricey air pollution. so i sit here, usually in the quiet, either reading or writing something that will probably never get published. i hate the quiet sometimes, at least now i do. it leaves too much room for unwanted thoughts.

no, i'm not doubting anything at all. i just waste time thinking of all the things i've done. all the things i haven't done. all the things i wish i could do. all the things i wish i could take back.

i know you've had those moments. everyone does. more than once.

oh, and there it goes again. another train tugging along on some far away tracks. this one must be more than just a few miles down the road. i can hear it way off in the distance, just a long lonely call to the other trains.

one time, it was so quiet that i could hear the wheels thumping along the wooden and steel tracks as it chugged through. the horn was louder than any train i've heard before, even the ones i've put my car in park for. i was laying next to cody as he slept. he was snoring softly, a humming and a soft whistle as he inhaled and exhaled. i felt his hands gently resting on my side, reminding me that i was safe under his care. other than my slow breathing, that was all i could hear. cody's snoring and the loud wailing of a locomotive.

and i was pissed off. it woke me up at three o'clock at night and i had to be up at seven for an eight-thirty class. damn that train. is it really that necessary for them to blow their horns so blatantly, so loudly and boasting, so that everyone within a radius of twenty-five miles can hear it?

"hey, just in case you didn't notice, i'm a big, slow train and i'm coming through. i did take notice of the time and i know you have to get up early. but guess what? i'm a train. and i don't care."

i image that's what their horn translates into from train-speak to english.

and now i'm yawning and it's only eight o' six. i'm twenty. shouldn't i be out partying somewhere? not to mention that it's friday night. blah. that happened last night, on a thursday of all days. and let's just say my head is dancing to it's own thumping bass line of a headache.

ah. there's only one horn blowing off this time. oh, there it is. an answer in the dark. another bellowing screech that only adds to the bass in my brain.

there was a time when the sound of a train coming through was comforting. it spoke of spring, of warm air, of a time of no worries. it assured christmas time, with snow and ice and the hot steamy smoke pouring out of the train's smoke stack reminded me of fireplace fires and the smell of fresh, dampened wood burning.

now it serves as nature's alarm clock. just another punctuation mark in a sea of intelligible babble and garbles of silence.

breathe in. breathe out.

wait.