Cats On Mars

Cats From Mars


Walking past streets humming an irrelevant piece of music from a era gone

by. Coming to a quick halt in front of a supposed stray cat. Admiring the shape of it's eyes, I ask,

"What's your name little one?" The Cat looks from side to side, checking to see whether there

was an incoming car or another comrade in fur. Finally, The Cat acknowledges my presence

with a quick start of it's ears. "Fool, I'm an earth cat. I can't talk." My eyebrows bunched and eyes

turned upside in puzzlement. The Cat hands me a lightbulb. Screwing it into the idea socket

when a light appears. " That's right! Cats can't talk. On your way, Cat." We both head in

opposite directions in a act of common courtesy. Ten paces go by, I feel The Cat's eyes

on me. I turn to find The Cat pointing a large gun-shaped object. I presume it's a dangerous

object through associations and nuclear equations. It all comes too clear. "Just as I thought!

You're an agent from the martian city of Cattronia! As if your Korean weapons have any effect

in this pleasant, yet, soon to be cloudy weather!" I pull out from my hyper-dimensional hole

-emergencies only- a KGB circa Cold War poison projectile umbrella.. "This umbrella has killed

fifteen luchadores and one Chilean dictator. You're outmatched and outshoed." The Cat laughs

at my weapon. " More of the Breed will come. Here they come now." Gigantic flying saucers

filled the skies. A samurai screams, " Jesus H. Christ!" Before I could stop him, he performs

Hari Kari. I think to myself, " I hope he doesn't mind me taking his katana-tatta."

Placing the decease's katana in my hyper-dimensional hole. I came to consider this

outrageous conclave of flying saucers. I needed an idea. The Cat was laughing.

Laughing so hard that his sides were splitting. His slides ripped apart from laughter.

He died in an instant. Standing there I wondered if he would go good with salsa or teriyaki

sauce. In a moment though, his skull cracked open. "How Greek." I thought. Another cat

squirmed from the opening. He dried himself off. Making sure to lick his face and paws.

Surprised, he took out an even bigger gun than the former's. "Ha...er...I died there for a second."

We spent two to three minutes as The Cat trys to remember where we left off. Looking at

the gun a few times seeing if that will help him remember. "Uh, how long is this going to take?

I have to go meet this girl and I don't want to stand here while you're trying to remember that

you're here to take over the World." The Cat looks up and had his memory restored. "Er...

Earthling! Prepare for your death!" Having the umbrella still in my hand. I pump him full

of poisonous darts. He plops right on his face. Flipping the -twice- dead cat over, face

upwards. His chest bursts out with another cat coming out. "Dammit! Stop doing

that!" The Cat screamed. "Enough is enough, we shall do this as martian cat against scrawny

human.... You do have a giant robot don't you?" Checking my hyper-dimensional hole I confirm

that I do have a giant robot. "Good! We shall settle it that way! Whoever wins, shall own the

Earth!"

The Cat spreads his arms and calls out, "Big Muffin!" A giant tabby cat robot shoots out

from the Mother Ship and lands in front of us. A green neon light shoot from Big Muffin's eyes

teleporting The Cat up. All I had was the typical giant panda robot. I couldn't hold

up a candle against the might of Big Muffin. "Hell, worth a try." Pulling out from my

hyper-dimensional hole (foot first) my giant robot. The giant robotic form of a panda with a

somberero. Now it's my turn to scream out."Gogo-Chan, Go" Fastened into my seat

- comes in three different sets of vibration- we head into battle.

A few moments pass. The sun gleaming off the chrome of our robots. Through

the intercom The Cat speaks, "Yes, we are fit for the battles of Roman aristocracy...and peasants

I suppose." A few minutes passed as The Cat was checking up on his Roman history. "Yes! The

plebeians and..." A rough grumble through the intercom about footnotes. "Well, who gives

rat's ass about that. Anyways, we're off to battle." More minutes pass as we wait for each other's

move. This time I speak up, "I'm ready when you are. You get first hit"

"No, no, you get first blood. I insist."

"No, I insist. You are the villain in this story."

"I won't hear of it. I'm trying to conquer your planet. It would be rude."

Knowing this will go on forever. I come up with an idea. "Rock, Paper, Scissors?"

"That would be the civil thing to do.." Both our robots get up close for the game which

would decide the Fate of the World. We counted out loud from the intercom to coordinate our

attack. The Cat choose Paper. Always a wise move in this game. Seeing this though. I choose

Scissors. "Two out of three?" I shrug, I know I will win. The count of three and the outcome was

clear. The Cat choose Rock. I choose Paper. "Dam you earthlings and your superior Rock, Paper,

Scissors skills. I highly underestimated you. I graduated from Mars University my minor being

the science of Jenkin." We NOW began the fight.

In traditional sumo wrestling style, I stomp my feet into the ground. I need to start off

big I think. The Cat's Big Muffin commits a defensive stance. I start off with "The Thousand

Panda Palm Slap." Big Muffin, through The Cat's amazing ability of defense blocked all

my attacks with a flurry of dodges and blocks. We both jump back. This time, I'm in defensive

style. Big Cat performs a short dance. Skipping up an down and placing his paws on his hips.

Thunder crackled above and two fans dropped onto the street. Twirling, the fans levitate off

the ground They fly over to Big Muffin just as he finishes his dance. "TA-DAH!" waving
the fans and cherry blossoms falling from the sky. Releasing the fans. The fans reading each

"Eat" and "Joe's" with two smiling cat faces printed on. The Cat and Big Muffin are ready for

battle.

Performing an intricate dance with the fans. Big Muffin ends on a curtsey gesture. Enjoying

its tea. Gogo applauds the mechanical cat's performance. Big Muffin raises its arms in front of it.

Its arms begin to rotate in circles. Huge amounts of wind is produced by the rotation of the

megaton feline Deus Ex Machina. Large gusts are formed, blowing businesses and bums in a

twisted vortex of metal, wood, and winos. Gogo's legs remain firm in the ground. In a well

calculated plot to dislodge the Titan of Cute Funny Hatted Bears from the street.

. Gogo soars through the air crushing the local Haru- Chan

noodle factory -seventy nine cents a package- Picking himself up. He observes the damage that

has been done on the innocent ramen noodle factory. Tears well up in the robot's eyes and fire

sprouts from the sockets. "You son-of-a-communist! I buy my food from there!" Electricity

begins forming around Gogo as it prepares for its final attack. He pushes his arms back, cupping

his hands. "Raaaaammmmeeen" Pink energy forms in the cupped hands. "Noooodddlleeee"

Pushing its hands forward it screams, "HAAAAA" A large pink energy ball flies towards Big

Muffin at incredible speeds. In defense, Big Muffin spreads the fans to protect it from the oncom-

ing blast. The beam collides with the fans, pushing Big Muffin back a few miles -kilometers for

our international friends.- Through the blast, the fans begin to ooze and emit green energy waves.

The two smiling cats begin to laugh and the "Eat" and "Joe's" read, "Eat at Joe's." Big Muffin's

final attack.

"You die, now!" screams Big Muffin. Big Muffin's eyes turn leprechaun green as the

fans reverse the attack with their own! Two energy waves at ends on ends. No sign of giving up

between the two goliaths. Suddenly, a voice speaks to our hero. "Hello, Person-San. How's it

going and did you get my lucky pair of Chinese medicinal balls?"

"Holy Buddha on a Pogo Stick! Sensei! Yes, I use them everyday. Quite handy."


"You must not let this not-so-pleasant-pussy defeat you! Remember your training." Going

through the files in his memory he could not find a recommend a course of action. "Idiot! When

in doubt, Duct Tape it!" The light bulb switches on as our hero remembers that vital piece of

wisdom. "Sensei de domo arigato!" (Close up on Hero's eyes) "Sensei said, "P.S. Die Bitch."

Inside Big Muffin, The Cat grinned an all so evil kitty grin. "Sensei left another line, "P.S.S. I

mean of course not that atrocious race of feline from Mars. Though you who rescued me from the

"Seductive Palace of Xioang. Episode 42." Which I mean of course you, (blank name)."

"P.S.S.S He killed your Sensei."

Now, the stakes are higher as *bleep* finds out about his Master's manly -yet not that M

ANLY kind- love and that The Kitten with the Nasty Kaboodle offed him out. Now was time

for vengeance that only a student has for his master.

Searching through his Hyper-Dimensional Hole he found the tool necessary to defeat

The Cat and his gigantic monstrosity to all robot cats Big Muffin. Lo and behold he held the

largest roll of duct tape known throughout the galaxy. Given to him by William Shatner's third

cousin's best friend's alien abductor. Striking in the pose of a panther (ironic isn't it?) Gogo-

Chan leaps through and air unrolling the tape in ninja meets Halloween trick or treater fashion.

All that Big Muffin could do was watch dumbfounded and somehow aroused at Gogo-Chan's

improv toilet papering of his ginormous body. Getting the head wrapped, Gogo-Chan moved

at semi-sonic speeds wrapping Big Muffin. The Cat snarled through the tape, "We'll meet again

you tawdry tart of humanity!"

"I think not, you made me late for my date. Be sure to bring plenty of sunscreen where

your going." With that, Person -San punts Big Muffin into space. Where we presume he’s burnt

to a kitty crisp.

“That movie was worse than a turd sandwich with nacho cheese!”

Alex sat back in his theater chair. Being the only one left in the theater. Feeling the strange

pull of another nicotine drive. “Oh my God!” screaming out loud in the empty theater. “ I haven’t

had a cigarette in an hour! If I don’t have one soon. My nicotine levels will go down and then

the Apocalypse will surely happen!” Jumping from his seat. He does a triple axle flip towards the

entrance. Though, lo and behold! Someone left a stray ju-ju bean in his direct path. Landing

perfectly (The Judges give him a total score of 49) his foot smooshes into the ruby encrusted

candy. Foot stuck, his head bounces off the trash can. Causing severe bleeding.

A young girl in her twenties with auspicious blue hair and eyes. Comes rushing in. “I’m

sorry I’m late. The author just wrote me in this particular scene.” Cradling Alex’s head on her

lap. Her hefty bosom smothering his mouth. “Don’t worry my prescribed love. I will shower

you with care and other womanly duties.” Thinking what any man would think by “womanly

duties.” Luna blushes, knocking Alex off her lap. “Oh you! I didn’t mean exactly that. I meant

by cooking, cleaning, washing of whales, and...and...” Her face blushes harder as she imagines

what any young woman would be too bashful of thinking of. Through Alex’s mild concussion

and disorientation. He could see clearly the crotch indent in Luna’s panties. All he could say

at that time is, “I’m a Cancer.” Finally dropping off into un-consciousness.






The Chapter that comes after the First

Alex woke up from a most peculiar dream. Feeling the warmness of another human

on his side. He slides over off the bed. Looking over the bed with the top part of his head show-

ing. His eyes become disks as the image of beautiful Luna caressed his “Little Alex.” He heard

his testicles popping from over-pressure. Realizing he has no shirt, or underwear for that matter.

His mind tries to conceive the position he’s in. The last thing he remembered was... Oh my

God! He saw her indented privates. Tears wells up from the mere joy of his conquest. Though,

what did he conquer? For a moment, his soul lost track from the mere shock. Finally, the idea

occurs to him. How did I end up sleeping in this place? And...Who is she? Does she have

protection? His face pales as he comes to the next thought, “Was I raped?” Then thinking

further on this enquiry. “If I didn’t mind being raped, is it rape?” Most men have tried to

solve this dilemma. Whether a man can be raped and not mind, or even enjoy it. Legend holds

that a magic regenerating Fortune Cookie holds the Universe’s answers within its sweet

folds. What does this have to do with anything? Has the author lost track...No, just foreshadow-

ing. But, is it foreshadowing if the author writes it’s foreshadowing... That he doesn’t know.

Alex, to say the most in a as little as possible, is perplexed. But, who isn’t today with auto-mob-

iles and telephone machines.

The strange blue haired woman awoke from her rest. Her eyes glowing with phosphor

aqua eyes. They spread apart with the soft touch of sleep still resting in her mind. A glorious

moment for Alex. Three cherubim played sweet harps near his ears. Proclaiming love, peace,

and all those nice things that never come true. “I’m here for your seed. In order to conquer this

planet, I need you.” She reads his ID. “Alex Something-or-Another.” That definitely killed
his cherubim. Three 9mm. bullets straight to their skull. Angel blood splattered all over the

place. A piece of blond scalp sticking from Alex’s chin. Yes, a girl to take home to mom...