Secrets, Secrets

Secrets, Secrets


How does the brain deal with suppressed thoughts? How do WE deal with suppressed thoughts? Are we able to truly forget? or do the problems we've had just become superceded by more important problems we're forced to face. A new friend opened my brain waves and brought some hidden yet dealt with emotional issues back from the dark depths of my slow working brain. It's amazing how we react to certain deeply seeded beliefs and have such yes/no answers to the ethical boundaries we've created for ourselves. I'm usually so diplomatic about things in my life and like to look over both sides of the fence and marry up my argument from there before I voice them, not on this topic though.

I love the chance to form new friendships but I'm not someone that just throws myself into just any friendship, I like to make sure I'm on the same wavelength before committing solidly. The greatest part about making new friends is learning what thoughts and beliefs they have, and after some time the question was finally raised between myself and said web junkie by way of casual Internet banter, Have you ever cheated on someone? BAM!!!, here we go again I thought. I'm as honest as can be and typed back my answer , waiting to see what response I got, but besides the answer, I was really just concentrating on the thoughts flooding back into the front of my brain. What made me develop such a conscience? Where in my development did I attain such disdain for a persons promiscuous ways. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very forgiving person and don't hold things people may of done in the past against them but when someone tells me they've cheated on their partner my emotions take a little to adjust.

I can't remember when or how my best friend(at time) came to tell me they had cheated but I remember how devastated I was to hear it. I didn't think it at the time but later on I remember asking myself, Why would this person tell me such a thing? This created such an ethical dilemma for me , two friends , husband and wife, sworn to secrecy by one and a great feeling of disloyalty to the other. When a friend asks me to keep a secret, they know it will stay that way, was this personal trait a hindrance to my persona? or something to be proud of? Was this friend abusing my trust and therefore abusing our friendship? or something more sinister, such as trying to make me jealous.

Since this friend was in such troubled times and asking for advice in way or another, I felt compelled to listen and ultimately help this dear friend at such a time. My head was in a whirl to grasp the reasons behind such actions, I'd always placed this friend on such a high moral pedestal and now I was forced to take them off it. It was a catch-22 situation, I didn't want to know the truth but then again I absolutely detest being lied to and would like to know what my friends are really about. My friend was certainly not in a happy relationship, which was created by faults in both partners but to me this was no plausible excuse for their behavior, just a reason.

The act of cheating was described to me as a series of encounters and was told that nothing went below the belt.'Who gives a fuck whether you kept your pants on' I said, It's the process you go through to get the point of fucking someone, the lies, the deception, the emotional void you create by focusing your attention on someone else. On the other hand I was overwhelmed by this want to not give a fuck about any of this bullshit, I'd done nothing wrong, I don't think. Why should I be made to feel like an asshole due to someone else's actions? Maybe I'm too loyal, I kept an open ear for them anyway, In the hope they'd learn from something from the experience and maybe, just maybe, set the record straight with their partner.

Well, what a fucking idiot I am. A few months later after the first affair finished, another started. Although I was never directly told about it, I'm no fucking moron either and soon noticed many tell tale signs. How could their partner not realise? perhaps they did and didn't want to accept it. I confronted the suspect and asked them straight up, my heart just sank, for so many reasons. I felt so fucked over as a friend Why did I bother using so much energy to help a friend when I just get kicked in the balls? again. This time I knew adultery had been committed and just couldn't handle looking their partner in the eyes, I'd lowered one personal standard to uphold my trust. I'd never felt so torn between two people, betrayed and committing betrayal. Why do I bother being so good to people? look where it's got me.


No matter who I talked to, no one could give me advice as to what to do about the situation and maybe in the long run I wasn't required to do anything, fuck knows. In the end all I could feel was resentment towards this person and put the friendship on hold for a little while which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and felt like the biggest asshole on Earth. I got on with my life, they got on with theirs and sometime later we finally re-kindled our friendship and left the past where it belongs, in the past. Oh and by the way, I've never cheated on anyone.