My Life

Just wanted to let you get to know me a little better. This story that I'm going to tell is about myself and my life......

Wow, life surely flies by. Out of highschool I went and ventured to the great known world of College. I was set I was packed and ready. And I went.. I attended a college close to home. I even took my flute along for the ride. I got involved with the Marching Band. Which is something that I would never regret. Music is life and theres music all around us. Well back to the story.. I started off my freshman year on two strong feet. But one thing I didn't consider carefully was my class load. I signed up for 18 credit hours not wanted to get behind in my program. I wanted to be a Secondary-Education Math Teacher. I got through Pre-Calulus with a C. I think I started to realize math might not be the right thing. I really like math though so who knows. Oh, one class I took was a total nightmare...I attended it like one as well seeing how I hardly could stay awake in the class. It was Intro- to Symbolic Logic. I wouldn't want anyone who isn't a math lover to take it. I ended up failing that class. If I were to take it again I would to better I'm sure though. Anyway along with the story.. I got involved with Christian organizations as well. One of the was EveryNation Ministries. I loved it. As the year progressed and second semester arrived, I began to be uneasy. At church I would always be self-conscience of myself-trapping myself and not being able to be me. I use to also be really hard on myself, just judging myself, sometimes I would just want to find something to cry about because I felt that if I cried about something then that means I'm really sorry for whatever I did. Well I ended up getting really arrogant and self-righteous in my walk with God after going to a big Christian Harvest Meeting I was pumped I was ready to take on the world. But it takes more that one person to be a army and I was walking alone. The day I got back from camp I was excited and I wanted everyone to know about God. This is a good thing. I stayed up all night though and the next morning I went for a run of all the things I could have done. I would look in the mirror and see a reflection of Jesus but somehow I ended up wanted to Glory for myself. This was horrible. I became really confused I was reading the bible and I would anyalze in and interpret in too much, I guess I took it out of context I don'e know anymore. On the run I ran a pretty good distance then I stopped in front of a school and I started to preach, well really scream. Looking back was this and act of disobedience I would have to say yes because I was doing it for all the wrong reason's. I did want people to look at me and I did want them to acknowledge me. But that was wrong. Make the long story short soon my roommate thought I was sick then my mom and dad took me to the Hospital the Mental Hospital. And I stayed about two weeks I don't know it's all a blur like a bad dream. They but me on medicine assuming I have Bipolar- and I was Hyperreligious they actually call it Hyperreligious- They have a sickness for people who love God. And I really did love God. But confusing came and sickness came and doubts rised. Before I was diagonsed at school I was never really depressed I don't think it was just hard being away from home. After being diagnose I got really depressed though and sick. I stayed that way for a awhile. I been classified and now its like I can't be myself. God made me the way I am for a reason- when you laugh thats life to your bones and now its hard for me to laugh. I thought I put all this behind me but it seems like whenever I think about it I became sad and cry. I guess I haven't been totally healed from the whole event. So now I've been given medicine to supposely help the pain. And really only one person can heal that pain and that is God. I know that God created people to help you and God created people to make medicine to help you. God has given them authority. I've learned a lot from the whole situation. First that I have trouble trusting people, when I was sick I had trouble trusting my mom and dad. And they brought me into the world. I'll admit I was a little ill logical or insane if you perfer. My mind was against me, I wasn't thinking straight. They say this is a illness but it really started from me not taking care of myself. Everything happens for a reason I'm not saying this would of never happened. It did and I need to just accept the fact that it did and move on and live life. In the hospital a verse was going through my head "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lend not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowlegde him and he will direct your path."

Well to make a long story short the past lies in the past and the future in the future all that matters is the here and now. Right now I'm slowing getting of the medicine. Is it in Gods will for me to not take medicine? I should just bring it to the Lord in pray- God knows everything thats going on and its Him that I have sinned against. He knows where I am going so all I need to do is Trust in Him. I'm just starting to grasp the concept of having a close relationship with God.

But in whatever we go through we go through it for a reason. And who knows but God where he will lead me. And who he will touch through me. Going through this experience has helped me see that I am nothing without God. God is everything and the more I get past my selfishness, my pride and my self-righteousness then will I get to see him at work and not just the see me trying to get by in my flesh. Its time to let go and forgive myself for all the things that I have done and give it all to God in prayer. I hope my life wasn't a complete bore to you. I hope it wasn't confusing. I hope you God something out of it. All I know is that I do have trouble accepting Gods Love but I know that he loves me. He's working in me and everyday if I would just seek him more I will find him.

God Bless you.

Amanda