guitl and regret

My Mother and I never got along through out my life. Now, 24 years later, I find myself standing in front of the house I grew up in. The blue painted house seemed to have faded tremendously since I had been here last. Weeds caressed every inch of the gravel yard and as I walked up to the door I noticed two dead plant’s on either side of the door. I took a deep breath as I unlocked the door and took in one last glance at the yard.

The house hadn’t changed one bit. The old bat never did like change, I thought as I strode through the house. So many memories flooded back to me I had to sit down. My heart throbbed with pain and guilt. I hadn’t spoken to my mother since I moved out at the age of 18. We had gotten into a fight over the way I chose to live my life, and tired of the fighting, left her in a fit of rage. It has been 5 years since that day, and we never talked since.

I got up and walked down the hallway of pictures towards the last room, my mother’s room. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I slowly pushed the creaky door wide open.
There were already empty boxes waiting for me to fill them. I had my brother bring some over for me to pack with. Sitting on the bed, I looked around the room thinking about where I would start.

Her closet and bathroom packed, I focused on her main room. As I walked over to her dresser I couldn’t help but notice a small, very poorly, made bracelet. It was the bracelet I made her in my Arts and Crafts class when I was only 12. My heart filled with guilt as I thought about how much I ignored her and took her for granted. Why couldn’t I have called?, I thought as I held it tight against my chest. My stubbornness really screwed me over this time, I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Tears rolled down my face and I put the bracelet into a box. I was in mid air, moving a glass horse statue as my cell phone rang, causing me to drop the statue. To my surprise it didn’t break, only landed with an echoing thud.

I walked over to the bed and answered my cell. “ Hey Bubba…. Yeah I am in her room packing her things… No I am ok, don’t worry about me I will be fine.. Yeah you too… Love you too Bubba..”

I put the cell phone back on the bed and bent down to see that the statue rolled under the bed. On the floor in better view, I grabbed for the statue. I noticed that there was only one thing under the bed, a black suit case. As I dragged it out from under the bed I couldn’t help but think about how heavy it was.

Finally out from under the bed, I sit Indian style and take a better look at it. The case was a leather material, it had a few tares in it, and it looked older then the house it had been stored in. I unbuckled the ends with some difficulty, as it was pretty rusted, and opened its creaky lid. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Almost tripping as I ran to my cell phone, I called Bubba.

“Bubba!.. It’s Jessica.” I closed the case and started walking out the car. “You're never going to believe what I found under the bed. … Yeah I am headed over there right now.”

My brother and I sat in front of our lawyer’s desk waiting as patiently as we could for him to finish up on the phone. As he hung up he looked to us and smiled. I new what that meant and I just wanted to jump up and down and scream.

“Well, Mr. and Ms. Underwood, it seems everything has been checked over and no one can find anything wrong with the document. It has been legally drawn and stamped. So I do believe that you both are free to do with the money what ever you see fit.” The lawyer stood up, and taking our cue so did Bubba and I. He shook our hand’s and handed us the brief case.

Walking out of the building and into the bright sunshine, I couldn’t help but feel blessed. My brother and I can now pay for our mother’s funeral, any debts she had and fix up our old childhood home. With all of those things paid off we agreed to split the rest of the half a million for our selves. I sat in the car and shut the door putting my hands in my sweater pocket. I could feel the paper stuffed in it. I had also found a letter in that suit case. A letter from my mother to me, telling me of her love for me and her regrets of letting me walk away. I figured I would go visit her grave later. There are some things that she needs to hear, things I should have told her sooner. As for my share of the money, I think I will donate it to the Cancer Foundation. They may not have been able to save my mother, but maybe they can save someone else’s.

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