Yellow Pride

he doesn't think i'm beautiful
because people are vain and superficial.
i'm only nice because otherwise you all would hate me.
and don't lie to me and say you wouldn't.
because i am not the first person you'd choose to love.
because not every part of me appears perfect.
God made me that way.
God made me this way.
and i keep seeing him at most inconvenient times.
like today when all i wanted to do was cry and say, "fuck you! stop ruining my life!"
but you can't say things like that to God.
but i did cry. i cried until i got a headache, and i listened to some sad music
that only made it worse.
i walked to work, and i somehow knew he'd be there
with his hair in a mess like usual,
but i wasn't looking for him.
i didn't want him to see my eyes red and puffy from crying.
so i stared at the ground and crushed leaves
because, unlike people, they're still beautiful when they're broken
when God decides they're no longer useful.
and i could've bumped into him.
he must've thought i was crazy, weaving trails on the sidewalk
because my ocb's had kicked in by that time.
i heard him crackle leaves in front of me and i glanced up.
i don't know why his steps were so distinctive
for no other feet had stolen my attention from the necessary task of destroying leaves.
God thinks He's so clever, planning those moments.
"See, doesn't this make you happy?
Doesn't this make up for the damage I've done?
And earlier today, that was great, wasn't it?
Won't these three seconds replace those two hours you cried?"
He says.
but it's already too late.
the door to china was wide open.
every coincidence too planned, too perfect,
but am i too angry to care anymore?
like You stopped caring.
and is it already too late to say "fuck it, i won't go?"
to show You my anger.
yet Your anger is so much worse than mine
and You will continue to require of me until the moment that you kill me.
which is a sin.
see, You're not perfect.
and i will be punished for the pain i was unjustly dealt
because i didn't know how to change it into beauty.
then You'll forget about me, and it will hurt worse than the people you placed in my life.
i'm so tired now. why are You still waiting?