torn loves

theres a longing in myself to be madly and deeply in love with somebody who is madly and deeply in love with me. Is that wrong? Do i have to hide those emotions just to keep my family and friends happy? no of coarse not!!! but what if I sad that I was gay, and I wanted a gay lover?? then most people would tell me I should keep it low key or that I definitely should ignore those emotions because its wrong and its a sin and people wouldn't see me the same anymore.

no doubt that their are people in my life right now who love me regaurdless of my orientation. You know who you are.. =)

But unless you have been on my side you cannot argue because love is love. period. people will bring up the bible and spit out verses like they own them and think they know how to use them. I want to emphasize something: There are simple human desires to have close human affection. We have been wired that way and we must ask ourselves why?

Why do we have these desires? Why do they have to be limited to man and women? I know allllllll the bible verses on sexuality, lust, perversion, homosexuality, bestiality, sodomy, you name it I know them like I know my penis. So if that doesn't stop me from being gay then I ask myself why? I cant move on until i have answers or unless I get an answer that is anointed enough to convince me to move on with my relationship with God. But theres this one thing that lingers...desire for affection from a man, guy, dude, boy, male, whatever the hell you want to call it to be politically correct I don't care. The simple fact is that I want somebody who is the same sex as I am to be close with. Is that wrong? I presume no. Unless I find my answer to why I need to turn from being gay I will choose to continue that path.

I know the intellectual conversation and debates from people like, huntwork, dobson, john hagee and even ted haggard but i'm not convinced. you see i know its supposed to be wrong intellectually but emotionally, I cannot explain or accept it. Its just not going to happen. So i ask myself, "why?" How come I cannot accept intellectual explanation why I cannot rest my passion and love in a man?

Then I automatically go back to my first love and ask him. His names Jesus and I love him with all my heart and if anybody tries to say that I don't then, fuck you. Your ignorant, prideful and have no sense of understanding. Christ and I have this bond but why cant this bond break the bond of homosexuality? I tried in his name and I tried for years. People have prayed and prayed and fasted and fasted but nothing happened.

Jesus is real. I know that without any doubt. I have a real relationship with Him and its the most amazing thing that could of ever happened to me. For people to say that God doesn't exist i feel bad for you because God is real and he loves you. Just be opened minded and you'll be ok. But back to what I was saying about God. If homosexuality was indeed wrong then powerful God would have delivered me from it. Jesus and I still cant see eye to eye on that but we're still talking it out. but more questions come to my head. if being gay and having these desires are wrong then why do I still have them even though I asked God to take them away?? Maybe He's ok with the fact that If I'm happy with my first love AND my love at first sight then he's happy?? I still don't know because everytime I ask Him he just keeps telling me that He loves me and that I'm still his boy....

My conclusion is this. Look.... If I have questions and doubts, then i'm going to pursue answers period. but i'm not going to pursue something I'm not sure of. I will not pursue church and its lifestyle until I am confident of its legitimacy. God is legitimate and so is Christ and Holy Spirit I know that for sure....but is the bible?? Thats my quest to find out. If it comes to my whole hearted conviction that the sword is legit then maybe I will turn from homosexuality. If i didn't have the slightest hint that the bible was true in its FULLNESS then I wouldn't be searching so don't tell me i'm being closed minded or shit like that.