Chronic of the Forest, Anti-Drug show

Chronic of the Forest
By Justin Swindall

Title sequence
“Chronic of the forest, Anit- drug show”

Fade in:

INT. Living room – Fire lit

Sitting in the chair next to the fire place is Phil, he’s a Play boy Owl
that’s drinking a glass of wine and smoking a pipe

Phil
Welcome to another installment of the Chronic chronicles. Tonight we will
be talking about a serous issue and no I’m not talking about Keanu Reeves
being called an actor. I’m talking about drugs. The Q card says that drugs are bad and they will rape you silly then laugh on into the night. So keep in mind that drugs are bad and they will turn you into someone like Tara Reed
(Pause)
Oups no wait she’s sober now wink, wink. Come to think of it, it’s more like Fire crotch. She never showed up to rehab

Cut to:

EXT. Forest trail – Night

Chronic is a monkey that dresses like a stoner and Lil’G is a thug dog. Their walking thru a trail in the Magic Forest of Marijuana

Chronic
I wish we had a substance that would shine some light on our dull and sober life

Lil’ G
FoSho

Skank crashes her rusty truck into a tree right next to Chronic and Lil’ G

Chronic
Oh Shit

Skank is a skunk that is always drunk. Skank falls out of the truck with two tapped kegs

Lil’ G
Yo lets drink the rest of Skank’s beer

Chronic and Lil’ G begin to drink the rest of the two kegs and Skank pulls her self up

Skank
(crying)
Call for help, I think I killed my liver

Skank falls face first, then Chronic and Lil’ G stop drinking from the kegs

Lil’ G
Let’s bounce over to French Pussy’s house

Chronic
We can use Skank’s truck

Captain Clit and Qweff are a super hero duo; Captain Clit is like a Bowinkle but with a look of Lumpy from Happy tree friends look. Qweff is a Flying Squirrel that is like a Rocky but with a Silent Bob style.

Captain Clit
Not so fast Chronic and Lil’G, you can’t drive when you’re drunk

Chronic
But why Captain Clit?

Qweff
Because it’s not responsible

Chronic
What’s responsible?

Captain Clit
Being responsible is having a job while driving drunk

Chronic
What do you mean?

Qweff
What Captain Clit is trying to say is you can’t drive drunk unless you have a job.

Lil’G
But why can’t you drive drunk with out a job?

Qweff
Because you can get a ticket

Captain Clit
And if you don’t pay that ticket you’ll have to deal with the courts, and they will make you do community service

Chronic
What’s community service?

Qweff
Doing things like cleaning all the bull shit that comes out of Tom Cruse’s mouth

Chronic
Thanks for helping us Captain Clit and Qweff, if you didn’t tell us that we would have gotten in the car drunk while being jobless

Captain Clit
See ya later Chronic and Lil’G, and remember kids stay drunk why?

Chronic Lil’G
Because it’s what Because it’s What
the kool kids are the kool kids are
doing doing

Qweff
That’s right

Skank pulls her self up again

Skank
Why won’t you help me?

Cut to:

EXT. Yogurt Bear’s front door – Afternoon

Chronic knocks on the door softly

Lil’G
You call that a knock, boy you better ghetto knock that shit

Chronic ghetto knocks the door

Lil’G
Knock like a playa

The door opens and standing there is Yogurt Bear, he is a gay bear that wears fruity shirts

Yogurt Bear
Hey

Lil’G
Can we cut your grass?

Yogurt Bear
Of course

Cut to:

EXT. Yogurt Bear’s front lawn – Afternoon

Chronic finishes up the rest of the grass

Chronic
Done

Yogurt Bear walks out side

Yogurt Bear
You guys did a good job, but I can’t pay you with money because I spent the rest of it on ecstasy. But if you want I’ll give you some of the ecstasy

Chronic
What’s ecstasy?

Yogurt Bear
It’s a pill that makes techno listenable

Chronic
What’s Techno?

Yogurt Bear
It’s the horrible sounds that Moby makes

Lil’G
What’s a Moby?

Yogurt Bear
A bald hippie

Yogurt Bear hands Chronic and Lil’G some pills

Yogurt Bear
Pop this

Chronic and Lil’G pop the pills

Fade in:

“The Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by The Drugs are bad committee

Cut to:

INT. Living room

There’s a chick sitting in a chair

Voice (V.O)
What made you take ecstasy?

Chick
Free will

Voice (V.O)
Was it fun?

Chick
No

Voice (V.O)
And why’s that?

Chick
Because I couldn’t stop talking and my pimp bitch slapped me for that. I also drank so much water that I peed myself and after that I went to one of Moby’s shows

Voice (V.O)
Do you like Moby?

Chick
No, his music is crap

Voice (V.O)
If you could tell everyone something about ecstasy what would it be?

Chick
To not try it

Voice (V.O)
And why?

Chick
Because they might do something stupid like me

Moby walks into the room wearing a robe

Moby
You want some tea pumpkin skins

Chick
And sleep with Moby

Fade in:

“The Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by The Drugs are bad committee

Cut to:

EXT. The Weed fairy’s front yard
(Chronic, Lil’ G and the Weed fairy)

Chronic and Lil’ G are chilling with the Weed fairy

The Weed fairy
If you guys want you can cut my grass and roll it

Chronic
Don’t you mean bag it?

The Weed fairy
I’m not selling it; I’m going to smoke it

Lil’ G
You can smoke grass?

The weed fairy
Of course you can, you guys wanna try some of my grass?

Chronic
I guess so

The Weed fairy pulls out a blunt

The Weed fairy
This is a blunt wrap rolled with some purple haze; this shit is off the hook

Chronic grabs the blunt

Lil’ G
Are you giving this to us for free?

The Weed fairy
I am the mother fucking weed fairy, that’s my job. Put the roach under your pillow and I’ll put a freshly harvested bud under it when you’re sleeping

Chronic
A cock roach?

The Weed fairy
(Screams)
The blunt roach bitch

Lil’ G
Thanks Weed fairy

The Weed fairy
No problem, it’s my pleasure to give you the haze that makes your eyes glaze
(Pause)
Peace

The Weed fairy flies off

Lil’ G
Don’t we need a lighter to smoke it?

Chronic
I think so

Captain Clit and Qweff walk up

Captain Clit
Did someone say they needed a light?

Lil’ G
Yeah

Qweff hands Chronic a lighter

Chronic
Thanks Captain Clit and Qweff

Captain Clit
Remember kid’s forest fires are safe and fun

Then Captain Clit and Qweff walks off, and then Chronic lights the blunt

Fade in:

“Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by the drugs are bad committee

Cut to:

INT. Bedroom – Day

A male teen is sitting on his bed

Voice (V.O)
Did you smoke marijuana?

Teen
Yes

Voice (V.O)
Why?

Teen
I can’t remember

Voice (V.O)
Remember what?

Teen
What you asked me just now

Voice (V.O)
Don’t be a terrorist, remember things

Fade in:

“Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by the drugs are bad committee

Cut to:

EXT. Ally way – Mid day

Buggie Bunny is a crack head looking bunny; and he is standing next to a dumpster as Chronic and Lil’ G walk up

Chronic
Hey Buggie Bunny

Buggie Bunny
Can I get ten bucks off ya?

Lil’ G
Sure, I’ll give you the ten bucks that I made from pimping Chronic out to Punta

Buggie Bunny
You slept with that meth head?

Chronic
No, we didn’t go to bed. She needed her pipes fixed; I didn’t even know that pigs had pipes between their legs

Lil’ G
You didn’t know that?

Chronic
No, how did you know that?

Lil’ G
Phil told me that all hoes have pipes between their legs that leak once a month. It also makes them forget how to shut their mouth

Chronic
What are hoes?

Buggie Bunny
Women, now can I get that ten?

Lil’ G
What do you need it for?

Buggie Bunny
Crack

Chronic
What’s crack?

Buggie Bunny
It’s what politicians smoke in the hotel rooms while getting a Cleveland steamer

Cut to:

INT. Living room – fire lit

Phil is sitting on a chair next to the fire place, and he is drinking wine

Phil
We’re sorry for that comment, it was a cheap shot and politicians don’t smoke crack. They are honest and good people, plus they are always looking out for the lower class American people. They gave us so much, like taxes, no free health care and taxes. So we’re sorry and don’t forget to vote for your favorite douche bag. Oh wait did I say douche bag? I meant to say old douche bag

Back to:

EXT. Ally way – Continuing

Chronic hands Buggie Bunny ten bucks

Chronic
Here’s the ten Buggie, but you have to pay me back ok

Buggie Bunny
Don’t worry I’m a crack head, I’ll pay you back

Fade in:

“Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by the drugs are bad committee

Cut to:
INT. Hotel room – Night

Bill Clinton and Paris Hilton are sitting on the bed next to each other

Bill Clinton
I never inhaled this crack

Paris Hilton
What ever

Bill Clinton hits the crack pipe

Cut to:

INT. Hotel room – Continuing

Bill Clinton is humping Paris Hilton from behind

Bill Clinton
Who’s your president bitch?

Paris Hilton’s cell phone goes off and the ring tone is “Like a virgin”

Paris Hilton
Someone’s calling me to tell me how hot I am, that’s hot

Paris Hilton answers her cell phone

Paris Hilton
Hello, nothing just researching a role for a stupid spoiled whore

Fade in:

“10 out of 10 politicians smoke crack”

Voice (V.O)
Ten out of ten politicians smoke crack. Don’t be a politician, don’t smoke crack

Fade out:

Fade in:

“Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by the drugs are bad committee

Cut to:

Kate Moss is standing at the front gate for a camp called “Kamp Moss”
Kate Moss
Hey I’m Kate Moss and I’m here to tell you about the new drug recovery camp called Kamp Moss. All the models have a camp named after them, so I thought why not me? So if you have some drugs that you’re thinking about taking, don’t take them. Instead bring those nasty and awful drugs to use at Kamp Moss. Kamp Moss has the best crack pot consolers ever; we have Whitney Huston and Courtney love.

Courtney Love and Whitney Huston walk up to Kate

Courtney Love
(Cracked out)
I don’t take drugs in six months

Kate Moss
We do a lot here to keep sober like playing base ball with the little boys at the camp across the river, “Catholic camp”

Whitney Huston
I’m a diva, I’m a diva, I said diva let me hear you say diva

Kate Moss
Shut up it’s my air time crack diva

Whitney punches Kate Moss to the ground and then jumps on Kate while beating her senseless

Courtney Love
(Cracked out)
So call now if you want to itch my vagina. Get a free bucket of crabs, just pick your own

Cut to:

EXT. Forest – Morning

Choppy is leaning on a tree as Chronic walks up

Chronic
What’s up Choppy?

Choppy
Hey Chronic, where you headed?

Chronic
I’m going to school

Choppy
You know that you don’t need school to learn?

Chronic
Don’t be silly Choppy, of course you do

Choppy
I got something that will open your mind to more things then school ever will

Chronic
Don’t you mean open more doors choppy?

Choppy
If by doors you mean money, then yeah you could make fat loot with it

Chronic
How could I get some of this wonderful stuff?

Choppy
I’ll give you some if you promise to go to Big Tooth and tell him that I sent you, ok Chronic?

Chronic
Ok, I’ll do that when I go over their today to cut his grass

Choppy
You’ll be doing more then just cutting it

Chronic
You mean bagging it right?

Choppy
Yeah

Choppy hands Chronic a bag of cocaine

Choppy
Here, it’s the candy that makes you dandy

Chronic
Do I eat the candy?

Choppy
No, you sniff it threw a straw

Chronic
Thanks Choppy

Chronic walks off

Choppy
Sweat shit, I’m going to get free cocaine for getting Big Tooth another custo

Fade in:

“Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by the drugs are bad committee

Cut to:

INT. School hallway – In between class’

A teen walks up to a locker and opens it up

Voice (V.O)
What happened?

Teen
I tried cocaine

Voice (V.O)
Why?

Teen
Because the TV says it’s kool

Voice (V.O)
What happened after you used cocaine?

Teen
I was coked out

Voice (V.O)
And

Teen
I got in a fight with some kid that hit me in the nose, and then it started to bleed

Voice (V.O)
Cocaine will kill you with a bloody nose, don’t do cocaine

Teen
But I’m still alive

Then strange dude walks up to Teen and shoots him in the head

Voice (V.O)
Cocaine kills

Fade in:

“Drugs are bad committee”

Voice (V.O)
Paid by the drugs are bad committee

Cut to:

EXT. Lil’ G’s front door – Morning

Chronic is knocking on the door, and Lil’ G answers

Lil’ G
What’s poppin’ Chronic?

Chronic
Hey Choppy gave me this one stuff that helps you learn better then school

Lil’ G
What the hell is it?

Chronic pulls out a bag of cocaine

Chronic
This, Choppy called it the candy that will make you dandy

Lil’ G
Do we eat it?

Chronic
Choppy said to sniff it threw a straw

Lil’ G
I got straws

Chronic
Well then let’s sniff some candy

Cut to:

INT. Lil’ G’s living room – Continuing

Lil’ G breaks out a few lines of coke on the table

Chronic
You wanna try first?

Lil’ G
Fuck it, why not

Chronic hands Lil’ G a straw and Lil’ G then sniffs a line of cocaine

Cut to:

EXT. Bus stop – Morning

French Pussy and 420 are standing their

420
Dude I was probed by Tom cruse last night, he stuck his turkey bastur in my ass

French Pussy
Welcome to my world

Chronic and Lil’ G walk up

Chronic
Hey guys

French Pussy
What’s wrong with your eyes?

420
(Screams)
Ahhhhh, Tom Cruse is jumping in my head

Chronic
Choppy gave me this one stuff called candy that makes you dandy

French Pussy
A stranger once gave me candy that was peach colored and was meant to be sucked on. It had a vary sour cream filling

Lil’ G
Well this candy makes you smart, so we won’t have to go to school anymore

420
(Screams)
He’s trying to convert me to Scientology

French Pussy
Are we still going today?

Chronic
Of course, it’s field trip day

Then Chronic pulls out a bag of cocaine

Chronic
Now let’s use some candy

Cut to:

EXT. Bus stop – Twenty minutes later

Chronic, Lil’ G, French Pussy and 420 are all coked out

420
(Screams)
Tom cruse won’t stop jumping on my brain

French Pussy
I haven’t felt this good sense I went to the Never land ranch

Lil’ G
What did you do their?

French Pussy
Michael Jackson took his

Fade in:

“Censored”

Back to:

EXT. Bus stop – Continuing

French Pussy
Then used his Jesus juice as lubrication

Lil’ G
That shit is fucked up French Pussy

A limo pulls up and Moe steps out from the back seat

Moe
Chronic, my boss wants to make you an offer that you can’t refuse

French Pussy
The last time my soft ball couch told me that, he

Fade in:

“Censored”

Back to:

EXT. Bus stop – Continuing

French Pussy
Anus

Chronic
Ok, as long as we’re back on time for the field trip

Moe
I’ll give you guys a ride

French Pussy
The last time someone gave me a ride it was in a strange looking white van

Moe
Then what happened?

French Pussy
He

Fade to:

“Censored”

Back to:
EXT. Bus stop – Continuing

French Pussy
With peanut butter

Moe
What the hell is wrong with him?

Lil’ G
He’s prone to getting raped