Hearts, Skulls, Rainbows, and Thorns

I wish, I just wish it was my turn. I hope I'm next and I hope I won't be afraid. I hope I won't screw it up so majorly we won't be able to fix it.
I want to avoid it because of the heartache. I don't want to avoid because of the heartache. I'm confused and yet I know what path I want to take. I have a clear and clouded mind full of wise and stupid decisions that absolutely make some kind of sense to someone somewhere. It's just not me. I can laugh and cry about the same situation at the same time and feel them individually.

I need it. I want it. I need to want it. Don't I? I want, I want it all. I want none of it. How come I can't make up my mind?

I have time. It's just a matter of time. I'm young. Yeah, I'm young and I'm restless. I can't wait! But I have to. I'll wait. I need to wait. I can wait. I will. I want to. But I want it. I want all of those nothings. I want those nothings that I've never been and always have been apart of. Those phone calls. The voice in my ear, the laugh and smile on your lips and in your eyes. I need it. The hugs and kisses. Simple hand holding that makes me feel tingly all over. Things I've only read about. Things I always experience in my mind, imagining the feeling, conjuring up a presence with my mind, hoping my time will come soon, but not too soon.

I don't want it because of the fights. I don't want to have a misunderstanding. I want it. I want none of it and all of it all at once. I cherish the moment it will happen. I dread for it to come. It's a blessing, a miracle and my downfall. A nightmare and a dream combined into one. It should be easy for it to be hard. It's hard to have it easy. Or so I hear.

The comforting. The tears. The confusion. The love. The hurt. The guilt. The passion. The laughter. The smiles. The compassion. The joy. The lies. The truth. The honesty. The deceitfullness. The depth. The trust.

It's the beauty and the ugliness of it. I want all the pretties, but nothing else. I don't want heartaches. Period. But I know I'll end up with them somehow, eitherway. I've deemed it as an inevitable. I just wish it wasn't so. I'll cry with it or without it. It hurts either way, doesn't it? So why rush it when I might be better off the way I am? Why not stay the way I am and drool over the cute ones, flirt when I want to and hang out with the possibilites? I want to hang on to the Maybe's, Uh-uh's and Oh Yeah's scale of scouting while I still can. I think I can hold on to the heartache I'm so used to than take on a whole new level right now. I take on the usual heartache of an undeveloped relationship from a crush, but to be crushed by a relationship and try to endure a heart break? I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I want to be. But that doesn't mean I am.