Relationship Rant

It has been so long since I cried, that these tears feel like foreign objects in my eyes. It's a burning I can't describe, for a feeling that won't suffice. -little verse that came to me while driving, thought it was cute One late night a year ago a taxi cab man expressed in layman's terms to me the best advice I ever heard, "Somethings work, and somethings don't if it doesn't work, it just doesn't work" I was quite familiar with that theory, yet never could I word it so simply, did he ever amaze and inspire me. Not to mention give me the best break- up line of all time. Then I came to realize that I've yet to see things work at all. I've been trying to clear my mind this break. I've had to cloud it with all the thoughts I set aside for school before I can be able to clear it though. Of course relationships hit me at this point. I have the lesuire time to contemplate it all over again. Wow. Damn you free time, damn you. I think back to the past six or seven years of failed relationships and it really fucks with me. It really really fucks with me. The other night I talked to one of my friends on the phone while drunk. I started blurring out stories that I had long past let be forgotton. They should have been forgotton, because it really sucks to have them come up again. I've been told over and over it's my choice in guys. I'm starting to not believe that at all. It's me. I'm way to off balance to have any sort of stable relationship. I fall in love way too easily. I'm both needy and off-pushish. I want to be loved, but not too loved. I'm picky but easygoing; honest but secretive. One moment I love someone to the point of bursting, and the next I can't stand them. I fall in love easily, but once I fall out of love, it's permenant. I don't believe in second chances. Someone can fuck up with me and not even know it, until I'm way too far to be reached again. I hide my negative feelings behind a vizard of a smile. I never get in fights with whoever I'm with. I always just say, "it's okay" when it's really not. I avoid necessary confrontation to the point where it all bottles up into one conversation of, "Somethings work and somethings don't, this just isn't going to work." Usually that's enough and it's over, sometimes I get a stalker. I've gone through the motions of relationships over and over enough that it's become almost natural for me to break-up. I've even tried to force a few people to break up with me before, that never worked. It just makes it drag on and on until the unevidable. A few years ago I said, "fuck it" to myself and quit dating all together. I was lonely and jumpy yes, but I also got a lot accomplished in the year or so I was single. Then I moved down here and got into the most rediculous relationship ever, which lasted a whooping two months. If that wasn't bad enough I got into another one that sucked eight months out of me and left me with them same bitter distaste as all the previous which didn't eat up so much of my time. I then dated a good female friend, which was intoxicatingly lovely, but fast paced, shortlived, and ripped away before I knew it. I told myself then that was it, another dry spell should be in order, but no, love likes to play me like a pawn. I find myself falling hopelessly again. I can't fight my heart, it always fucking wins. But I'm just so hand-shy this time. I really really like him, but I can't bring myself to open up completely. I keep seeing signs that it may not work and my head and heart are battling. My head wants to start class free and my heart is yearning beyond measure for it's own freedom. My instincts are accoustomed to detaching. But my heart is yelling at me, "Please give this one a real chance, for me." I really really like this guy and he likes me. If this isn't going to work, I don't want to drag it on. Afterall, the longer it goes on the more it will hurt in the long run. I don't, above all else, want to hurt him if I can avoid it. He's really busy and I'm really busy, both working towards completely different goals. But I can't help but think about him all the time. When we do get to be together, I always have fun. He makes me smile, he makes me blush, he makes me......... happy. It's all the other times that make me go crazy. I'm fine being alone when I'm single but I can't stand it when my heart is in motion. It clouds my mind when I need it clear. And sleep, oh god, the tossing and the turning, the midnight yearning. Love causes insomnia and I am the medical proof. I am a fool when it comes to matters such as these. If my mind wasn't so subborn and my heart so weak I could maybe learn to compromise, a virtue I'm afraid is rarely afforded to my type.