mystery scars: how to wash a cat.

The morning is interupted when an unusual scent waifts into the corner of your nose. A combination of litter, cat-nip and half-eaten spiders assures you that the cat is in desperate need of a bath. This is going to be a war and there will be blood; mostly yours.
Preparation is key to any battlefield and this rings true in the bathtub. The first rule about washing a cat is not talking about washing the cat. Any mention of the word "bath" will result in your cat barricading itself in its most inaccesible hiding spot. Your cat will only contact you when the thoughts of a torturous bath have subsided. You must launch a sneak attack and in one motion pick your cat up, run into the bathroom and submerge your cat in a filled tub. Your cat will immediately wail, possibily alerting your neighbors of potential animal abuse. Its best to wash your cat when you are certain that nobody is within a 2 mile radius.
During the bath, your cat will be looking for weapons and potential projectiles. I find it beneficial to clear the edge of the tub of any loose items that can easily be reached and used by the animal. Focus on razors and nearby electrical cords. Remember the cat is its own weapon with four sets of claws and mashing teeth, don't hinder yourself with additonal devices.
Avoid, at all costs, direct eye-contact with your cat during the washing. If you do look into cat's eyes, you will only see a rolling montage consisting of your own death. Although a seething rage towards you is boiling over in your cat at this point, he/she will overcome this thought approximately five hours following the bath. Feeding your cat may warm him up to loving you again sooner.
Possibly the most important step to remember, is to not leave the cat door open to the outside world. This will inevitable result in the cat running outside and literally rolling around in dirt only to turn to you as if to mock you.
Above all, it is important to remain vigilant and not to do anything stupid through the whole ordeal. You WILL get clawed and biten, how you handle the situation will dictate what kind of medical attention you will need.