nicola

nicola

i am too subtle for this too subtle to ever say,
“nicola’s the one who brings in the light of day
nicola’s the one preventing me from wasting away”
i’ve always been too subtle to name a name
all you do, all you’ve ever done is come on in come on in and
maybe you’ll share your cigarettes and maybe for once we
will relieve stress and maybe for once we’ll sit and we won’t
have to worry about all those strange men
strange men around us
that may sound like so little but it’s enough
goddamn it is enough
i know i’m hard to take i’ve always been—
i’ve always been hard to take and
you took it in exhaling it (smoker’s cough)
and sometimes i don’t know why
i am too subtle to ever ask you why
that laughing joking girl you used to know seems gone
hell I’ll give a good bet that she is forever
i’ll give a good bet that she is lost
like a wedding day gives veil to bride’s faces
like a fire takes away all visible traces
the girl who is lost was hidden behind namelessness
repression was good for one thing, honey
and sometimes you look me in the eye
you tell me that you could’ve shot him dead and he deserved it
you tell me that he deserves to die
i would take the gun from your fingers because you don’t deserve
to have won a fight
to have won a fight that counted on your despise
won a fight where you held a gun
to someone else’s head and pulled the trigger
i wouldn’t let you
(i know deep down inside, deep down inside you’d still feel guilty
and it’s alright, yes it’s alright—i’d feel the same way i know i'd be shaking)
instead i would share a cigarette
i would look into the night sky with you on that bench
“we don’t smoke here anymore”
(that’s ignored)
and we’ll relieve stress because you came on in and
even through re-opening of repression
even through that state of veiled torture
you managed to find me
cowering in the corner hands over my face and still
i am loved
i am loved through years and years of crying
that i've still not done