Genesitcom

                                                Genesitcom
                                                By Dom Hart

                                                Four Word
                                            This story is good

                                                  Foreword
Mankind has wondered about creation since the dawn of evolution, and if radical Christians haven't censored this sentance by the time it's printed, that's an added bonus. Anywho, to fill in the blanks stories are now told that explain how we came into existance, these are called "Creation Stories" (I use speech marks so you will think it's an "Actual Phrase"). There have been many famous creation stories throughout time such as "God's Universe Cooking Book", "Oops I Created Again" and "Harry Potter And The Creators Creation".

I have decided to write this story for two reasons, one: I wanted to write the one millionth creation story in the world (For which I will receive a shower of colourful balloons and an oversized T-shirt) and two: if Dan Brown, author of such books as "Tanning Gels And Digimons" and "The Da Vinci Fat Load", can write controversal religious books then so can I.

This story is based on the theory that God created the world to be a sitcom because he and his angels were bored and what do bored, powerful men who are desperate for praise do? They run a broadcasting network (Take that Rupert Murdoch!).

So without further trying to get my word count up, I present:

                                              Genesitcom

In the beginning God created the broadcasting network and named it "Universe" after his one versed song "The Crazy God Song" (Which was #1 on the charts, buuuut it was the only song in existance). At that point in time the channel "Earth" was desolate and unwatchable, much like SBS, but unlike SBS It soon became watchable. God wanted to create an interesting show for this channel, but as you may or may not know creating a show is a very strenuous and difficult process and God soon found out he was going to need to do an Ark-load of creating. One day, or whatever there was before day, God made a list of the things he would need to start his show, the first thing was lighting. So God said "Let there be light" and then an electritian came over, gave God a quote and in five weeks installed light but since there was no such thing as time, God said light suddenly appeared. Then he seperated the light from darkness and he named the light "Day" and the darkness "Primetime". During the day, God put on shows like "Dr. Phil" and "Oprah" to fill the void and to look like a new age god in front of the female deieties and during the primetime, God put on more exciting shows so that people could say "What else is on?"- and that was the first Hanukkah...I mean day.

Next on the list was a set, which would take two days to create. In those days the earth was completely covered in water like the entirety of Rosie O'Donell is covered in flab. With this in mind God commanded "Let their be a dome to divide the water and to keep it in two separate places," and "Who do I have to smite around here to get a beer? Ha! that's funny, I should put that in my show." God received his dome and a Godweiser, his favourite label. God originally intended to name the dome the "Thor Memorial Dome" but then decided to name it "Sky". On that day God received the bill from the electrician, which God thought he was overcharged for, but in all fairness he did make the electrician listen to stories about Zeus' and his Hindu cow tipping days- and that was the second day.

He then needed a place for his characters to walk on, so he dictated "Let the water below the sky come together in one place, so that the land will appear. Oh man I shouldn't have had that Eggxodus Burrito for lunch" (With good taste that last part was edited from the Bible). When the land appeared God named it "Earth", and the water which had come together he named "Liquid-Earth" which in Hebrew is "Sea" (for reasons of his own the English translator of the bible decided to keep the original Hebrew in). Then he recited "Let the earth produce all kinds of plants, grains and fruits so that people can neglect them and eat ice-cream instead." So the earth produced plants, such as wheat, apple trees and the money-bearing tree (Which soon became extinct after it mysteriously disappeared...AKA after I stole it). Finally the set was complete- and that was the threeth day.

God then cognated out loud "Let lights appear in the sky to seperate day from primetime and to show when days, years and shows begin; they will shine in the sky to give light to the earth." So God picked up some lights from the Ikea in heaven. he assembled the two larger lights, the sun to rule over the day and the moon to rule over the primetime. Unfortunatley there were missing parts for the moon but God just called these spaces "Craters" and acted like it was on purpose (Coincidentally it was then God decided to stick Sweden in the coldest part of the earth and give them no military power whatsoever, dooming them to an eternity of freezing temperatures with nothing to protect themselves but pocket knives so weak they couldn't cut that cheap toilet paper that you find public toilets, then they'll find a way to even make weapons fruity by adding a nail file to them, and they'll  become so bored that the only way to keep their sanity is by drilling holes in their cheese until finally, one day, they'll start spurting out Ikea franchises forcing us over to their way of thinking so that we can become their slaves who are forced to work in Ikea sweatshops while listening to Abba songs on a continuous loop, and why will we do it?! Because of the prospect of being paid back in missing pieces for our Hansfroogler or whatever freaky name they have for a chair. BEWARE!!THE SWEDISH DRAGON AWAKENS!!! Anywho, back to the story). Then God installed smaller lights in the sky and called them "Stars"- and that was the day after the third but preceeding the fifth...oh yeah, fourth!

God then went back to his list and saw that he needed extras, so he word-puked "Let the water be filled with many living beings, and let the air be filled with birds" So the sea was filled with many beings and the air was filled with many birds. God liked the living beings in the water so much he decided to rename them fish- and that was "Fryday" which God named as to indicate how the fish and birds were to be cooked.

God then needed extras for the land. So he yakked "Let the earth produce all kinds of animal life: domestic and wild, large and the...uuh...smaller version of large." So all kinds of animals appeared: cows, horses, cats, dogs and Paris Hilton (Zing! There's your controversy!). Then God was all like "And now we will make human beings. They will be like us and resemble us, except for this neat contraption I call a 'Nose'. They will have power over the fish, the birds, and all the animals, domestic, wild, domestically wild and wildly domestic, large and ...oh yeah that's the word I was looking for, scuba!...I mean small."-and that was the sixth day in case you're an idiot.

God also Hired writers, two of which were angels named Lucifer and Michael. Pretty soon Lucifer grew envious of God and wanted his position, so he and Michael got into a big-budget fight that you'll have to wait for the movie to see. Michael defeated Lucifer and God banished Lucifer to a horrible place where there is fire and brimstone and slanderous filth is paraded about in an unfit manner,which Lucifer became the boss of. God named that place "Channel Ten". Michael was then promoted to Producer and he also got a Hovercraft.

On the seventh day God rested by inviting his son, Jesus and his pal, Holy Spirit over for beers and a marathon of "That Klingon Show". Suddenly God realised he had not come up with a plot for his sitcom. So he sat at his desk thinking of ideas "How about 'Seinfeld'," He said "No, that will have been done before." He eventually decided that the show would be about humans living in some Eden-like structure. Then God set out to find an actor for the role of Adam, so he went to the place where all actors come from,Hollywood AKA dirt. God took some dirt, formed a man out of it and breathed life into his nostrils (Hey it's religion not science).

And so the show "Eden" (Which God thought was a better title than "Dudes On Earth" started it's broadcast. It started out well but was not getting as good ratings as shows like "Jamie's Kitchen: Primordial Soup" and "Big Bang: Adults Only". So God decided to bring in another type of man, an anti-man, later renamed a woman. He gave this woman the name "Eve". Having a woman on the show boosted the ratings and it also gave a lot of material to use for episodes such as the one were Adam rips his leaf while looking at Eve and the one where Adam falls into Eve with intriguing results, this type of behaviour is why critics called it "risqué" and that God should reconsider costumes but God refused to reconsider stating that "This way we don't have to pay squat for costumes."

As the weeks went on the show gained more viewers and ratings were at an all-time high, literally, for the season finale in which Lucifer, who changes his screen name to Satan, makes a cameo appearance in which he persuades Eve to take the apples from the forbidden tree and in a shock ending Adam and Eve are kicked out of Eden and forced to fend for themselves. To top it all off Adam realises something more horrifying than a Ben Affleck movie, he has entered....A COMMITMENT!
 
THE END...OR IS IT? MAYBE! BUT PROBABLY NOT! BUT WHO KNOWS? I DO! OR DO I? WATCH OUT FOR NEWS ON GOD'S MYSPACE! HEY, IT'S TIME TO TAKE  MY PILLS!.....or is it?????????????????&??????????(There's no symbol for Garfield on my keyboard so you'll just have to imagine it...man that cat loves his lasagna!!!)

Next time on Eden, Adam and Eve give birth...to a murderer!!!! And when you give God pain, oh boy is it gonna rain!!!!!!! And the whole gang takes a wacky trip to Sodom, where God gambles all his sacrifices away on blackjack and Jacob and Esau learn why it's called Sodom as we go Brokeback Mt. Sinai!!!!!!!!!!! Ne!xt ti!!me o!!!n Ed!!!!en!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(You can stop reading now)