The Fourth

The Fourth

I tried to lick the string of cheese hanging down my chin but couldn’t retrieve it. I had two huge shopping bags and couldn’t maneuver any appendage and my tongue wasn’t Velcrod.  The string of cheese from the pizza that I had inhaled was going to have to wait.  It had dried to the consistence of cement – could be a new beauty regime.  I ran to grab a cab.  The tourists were lined up all the way down the street for the Powell Street cable car.  Everyone was out shopping and I needed to get home and throw myself together for work.
Have you ever had periods of time in your life when everything was going great?  No bags under your eyes even when you sleep four hours.  Complexion clear no matter with what junk you assault your body.  I was there now and it was a great place to be.  Eros was looking down favorably upon me – Brad and I were in love.  My paranoia was calm.  I wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop.  As long as I consulted my daily horoscope, I had the confidence of a runway model.  My waitressing was providing me with plenty of tips and I had the freedom to audition for plays whenever a call came for which I was remotely qualified.  I was in no real hurry.  I was in love.
Madison didn’t like Brad, my boyfriend, and was always trying to get me to double date with her.  This weekend she wanted me to meet her boyfriend’s friend, Mitch.  Since Brad was away for a couple of days and my horoscope practically screamed go, I agreed.  Madison thought I was silly to even read my horoscope let alone depend upon it unless it recommended something she wanted me to do. 
After an edgy Friday, you should be ready to relax and party on Saturday and Sunday. The Moon is in your house of romance and games, so don't load yourself down with chores. It's your responsibility to be playful now and open your heart to joy without taking yourself seriously.

What harm could one little blind date cause? 

         So I agreed to be the fourth.  We were to meet at Madison’s apartment for dinner.  Maddie’s menu was enough to entice me:  Ahi tuna, arugula salad, steamed artichokes and garlic mash potatoes.  I decided to compete with the menu and make an entrance that would go down in dating history.  Madison wanted funny.  I sassed my hair with gel, flipped the short blonde wisps and excavated from the depths of my drawer my lime green turtle neck that would be perfect for my plan.  I entered Madison’s apartment through the back door inhaling the aroma of lasagna.  Before meeting Mitch, who was laughing in the living room, I inserted two huge inflated balloons into my sweater.  I slowly entered the living room protruding my chest and allowing my balloon boobs to make their appearance before I did.  Everyone fell on the floor laughing -- especially Mitch.  I think he fell in love with me that night despite my negative bra size. 
Madison suggested we all go out for a nightcap but I declined.  Who could drink after lasagna?  “I’ll walk you home then,” Mitch offered.  Mitch was cute in a self-deprecating, tousled-hair way and he laughed at my jokes so I invited him up for a nightcap.  We talked for hours and as we started to wind down, he kissed me.  My head spun and I wondered if it was alcohol or chemistry.  Our kissing gained momentum and Mitch peeled my clothes like the artichokes we were digesting.  We kissed between layers.  Before I knew it my clothes were lying on the living room floor like artichoke leaves. 
In the wee hours of the morning Mitch left adding softly, “I’ll call you later.”  I was ashamed and embarrassed that I had done so little to stop an encounter with someone I didn’t know.  I never wanted to be reminded of that evening so I weakly waved trying to convey my intention, or lack thereof, without seeming like a cur.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. 
         The following evening my boyfriend, Brad, came over even though I tried to talk him out of it.  I had no desire to face him after the previous night’s escapade but he insisted.  I rehearsed a confessional speech but the evening progressed so smoothly that I abandoned it.  What would I gain?  He couldn’t guarantee absolution.  The entire incident was best forgotten so I swept it under the rug never to think of it again. 
This weekend is excellent for mixing business and pleasure. You could meet an attractive person when you're running an errand. Or, you can bring someone along on a task that doesn't require too much concentration and turn it into an opportunity to get to know each other better.

* * *
I knew the small packages in my mailbox were from Madison way before I spotted the return addresses.  Madison had been inundating me with gags since she learned of my suspected predicament.  Glad she was having fun at my expense.  She was supposed to be my best friend.  I opened the boxes and laughed in spite of my annoyance.  Lately, my irritation was growing like that of the label on a new sweater.  Initially a minor irritant, it grew causing a raw spot on the back of my neck.  I held onto my irritation.  It was easier to handle than my regret. 
Both packages contained a different test.  They both proved positive. 
* * *
         I could have avoided all that trouble if only I had remembered to take my birth control pills.  Well, that and inviting Matt to my apartment.  I sat in the doctor’s office biting the cuticles on my fingernails until they bled hoping I wouldn’t need a tourniquet before the nurse called my name.  I prayed that the array of pregnancy tests sitting on my bathroom sink were all defective, a hope that was unraveling like homemade baby booties. 
         Now sitting in the waiting room, I was filled with dread, fearing I was going to learn what I already knew and from my family doctor that I had known since childhood.  Sometimes little slips have huge consequences.  I selected People magazine hoping for a distraction.  My mind careened through a mental maze, continually running into the dreaded test results.  What was I going to do?  My choices were not good.  Even my Horoscope didn’t advise me.  I was on my own.
         I glanced across the doctor’s beige office and spotted a high school classmate, Barbara, whom I hadn’t seen in years.  I offered a halfhearted smile, praying I wasn’t appearing inviting and looked down at People.  But I saw her out of the corner of my eye as she approached me. 
         “What a small world.”  Barbara exclaimed!
         “Wow, how long has it been?  Ten years?”  I couldn’t come up with anything else while wallowing in my consequences. 
         “At least.  Julie, you look great though you are still too thin.”
         Not for long, I thought and forced a laugh.  Are you having a baby?”  I asked.  She was grinning like a Cheshire.  What else?  When facing the stirrups, no one smiles.
         "Yes,” she gushed.  “And I’m getting married soon.” 
         Why wait?  I thought.  I doubt that you are going to get less pregnant.  “Who is the lucky father?”  I asked to be polite.
         “Brad.  Do you remember him from high school?”  Barbara asked me.
         My heart stopped.  I had to concentrate on breathing.  “Brad Dalton from our class?”  I asked.
         “Yes, he’s the one.”  Barbara answered with a cavernous smile.
         The nursed called my name interrupting our conversation.  I shook my head trying to make sense of what Barbara had said.  Her words tumbled in my brain like the colored squares of Rubik’s Cube.  When they realigned, the realization of what I just heard washed over me.  When was Brad going to tell me? 
         I fought tears of anger then guilt.  My mind raced in a million directions as uncontrolled as nuclear fusion searching for excuses.  Was I being punished?  I wanted to hurt Brad.  And embarrass him.  Unfortunately, infidelity is a badge of honor to the male species.  Besides, look what I had done.  I wanted to get back at him by telling Barbara about us but I realized I couldn’t.  Like an absent parent, I had forfeited my rights. 
* * *
         I called Brad.  “We need to talk.”  My voice was nasally from crying something Brad surely noticed.  Maybe that alerted him.
         “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.  I don’t want to hurt you but I’m seeing someone else.”    Apparently he was doing more than seeing.  He didn’t even have the courage to do this face to face. 
         “You coward,” I said and hung up.  I was robbed of the satisfaction of the scene I envisioned which included a makeup.  Just as well.  I knew my cold anger would have melted into sobs at the sight of him.  I wanted to appear strong.  I didn’t want pity.  But why had he chosen her and not me?  I couldn’t accept that I had lost Brad.  We had both made mistakes.  Maybe he would realize that we belonged together if he saw me.  What would he do if he knew he might be the father of my baby?    My little lie was burgeoning like a mushroom cloud.
***
         Barbara called me and seemed to genuinely want to renew our friendship. 
Expand your social field this weekend by visiting unexplored places. Get out of your old routine, and push your mind, spirit and body into unfamiliar territory. You may lose some comfort, but you can gain so much more in the excitement of meeting someone in an exotic environment.

She was unaware of my history with Brad and I didn’t know why I wasn’t spilling my guts.  Maybe I still held out the hope that an opportunity to see Brad would present itself.  Maybe the Universe wanted us back together.  I wasn’t sure how low I could go but if the opportunity presented itself who was I to fight it.  He was a dog but he was my dog.  We were both dogs.

When Barbara suggested lunch, I accepted in spite of my increasing guilt.  I had enjoyed our phone friendship and reliving old times even though we were now on the opposite side of Brad.  My brain would not turn off and I plotted while laughing with Barbara over lunch.  My stomach could not tolerate both food and chicanery so I just pushed my food around.  I figured I could have opportunities to see Brad if I cultivated our friendship but didn’t know how long I could tolerate the sleeplessness and roiling stomach. 

I was mildly surprised when Barbara invited me to her wedding.  She was totally unaware of the opportunity she was giving me.  My mouth seemed wired shut on that subject and my conscience was raw at the constant gnawing.  Mitch was delighted to accompany me to the wedding.
All my schemes and dreams did not prevent the wedding.  Actually, reality set in. 
Your planet Venus is in the last degrees of sensitive Cancer this week, so finishing off old relationship business is more likely than starting something new from scratch. If you are attracted to a potential partner, go slowly unless you feel completely safe and at home with this person.

I resigned myself to the fact that Brad and Barbara were a couple and happy though Brad looked terrified as he waited for his bride to walk down the aisle. 
You may be ready to take a chance, even if you are not sure of your chances. It feels like the wheel is in spin and you are resigned to play the game as long as there is even a remote possibility of a good outcome. Nevertheless, your logic can hold you back, making you less eager to blindly trust your intuition. Watch the signs; if you meet resistance, don't push so hard.

I wore a cream silk slip-like dress that fit perfectly.  I still harbored a faint hope that Brad would notice.  I had lost more weight from vomiting and had developed breasts and fit the pregnant women cliché.  I radiated and there was that horoscope.

Finally it was time to leave. I didn’t want to stick around for any bouquet tossing or cake cutting.  Mitch waited downstairs when I went to retrieve my wrap.  I wasn’t following Brad, though technically I was behind him when we came face to face.  Someone had to say something.  He stammered an apology for the way our relationship had ended.
“That’s ancient history.  I hope you’ll be happy.”  I wanted him to see my magnanimity.  Well, I wanted him to see what he’d missed though any hope of a reunion had withered and dried like a bridesmaid’s dried flower memento.
He stared at my face for a long minute before pulling me to him in a kiss.  We quickly ducked into the closet and closed the door creating a padded, dark retreat.  Our lips gripped like a newborn on a nipple.  Brad lifted my dress and tore my silk underwear so it hung on my hip like a flag on a windless day.  How far was this going?  But my recently ebbing guilt came flooding back.  I could only think of Barbara and I wrenched myself free.  “No way,” I said.  Brad looked surprised but no one was more surprised than me at my newfound morality.  I fell against the door, opened it and froze.  Barbara took in the sight and summed it up in seconds.
“You bitch,” she fumed.  She slapped me across the face.  I wanted her to do it again.  I wanted her to hurt me.  Brad stumbled out of the closet and stammered, “I can explain.”  Barbara turn away sobbing. 
“Please, listen Barbara.”
“Go to hell.”
The Moon in your houses of partnership and intimacy should connect you in a powerful way this weekend. But you might have difficulty with someone you perceive as overly critical. Don't accept abuse, yet don't duck important issues if you want to maintain trust in this relationship.

I knew I deserved that and more.  I managed to get to the bathroom, repaired my makeup, and disposed of my underwear.  I went downstairs to meet Mitch.  I had to do something to save their marriage but I had to clear my head first. 
         When Mitch looked at me, I felt I was being x-rayed.  My face burned from the slap and I then and there I knew I would let Brad go forever and tell Mitch the truth.  I exhaled and deflated like an untied balloon swooshing to the ground.  My illusion was gone.  My morals were in tact.  I had to talk to Barbara.  Please God, let me fix this. 
After I tell Mitch that he is a possible candidate as the father, I knew he might choose to find another balloon-donning girlfriend.  But I was far more concerned with what I had done to Barbara.  I would tell her the whole story – somehow. 
Openness, honesty and enthusiasm are great qualities, but they could rock the relationship boat this weekend. Your tendency to be direct might be more than someone can handle. If you have any doubt about sharing an opinion, it might be best to keep it to yourself.

I had to get honest.  With a baby coming and each passing day the reality of motherhood became more tangible.  I realized abortion was not an option that I could live with.  I was not too happy with my recent behavior and adding abortion to it would not help my self-image.  I needed to face my behavior and make amends.  I felt I had turned a corner.  Maybe I was ready for a new beginning and my new arrival.  Things were going to change with or without Mitch or Brad.  I looked up at Mitch as we interlocked arms.