Falco's thoughts 1-PINK THING DIE!

Falco: (sarcastically) Good evening to the people out there in T.V land. This is Falco’s thoughts, the show that asks topical questions like ‘Have I got News for You’, works for the BBC like ‘Have I got News for You’, has special guests like ‘Have I got News for You’, competes for points like ‘Have I got News for You’ in a system that doesn’t seem to make sense like ‘Have I got News for You’ but for Christ sake we’re nothing like ‘Have I got News for You’. Joining me tonight for the first episode of this totally unique-ish show are Donald Duck and Goofy from Disney on one team and Kirby and Pikachu on another team. How are we feeling, guys?

Donald: Not bad, Faltho!

Goofy: (giggly) I’m feeling good!

Pikachu: Pika Pika!

Kirby: HIIIIIIII!

Falco: Oh Christ what have I done? Look, I swear that this is as bad as it gets. We’ve got a serial killer next time! Anyways, it’s time for the first round. It’s called ‘if this is the answer, then what is the query?’ and it took us a long time to sort out the legal fees with Dara O’ Brien to get this one, so make it funny, please. The first one is to Kirby and Pikachu, and the answer is: roughly 25 million.

Pikachu: PIKA!

Falco: sadly not, I’m afraid.

Kirby: HIIIIIIIIIIII!

Falco: Nope.

Pikachu: PIKA PIKA!

Falco: Oh, really? I met her once. Beautiful, isn’t she?

Pikachu: Pika...

Falco: Fascinating... you must give me the recipe sometime. Anyways, I’m afraid you’re both wrong, and more to the point; boring. So I can save myself writing new material, it’s over to Donald and Goofy!

Donald: Ith it thumthing to do with money?

Falco: Err... no.

Donald: Is it how much that woman got after claiming life insurance on her not actually dead husband?

Falco: He’s a canoeist, so she actually got nothing because that’s what he’s worth.

Pikachu: PIKA PIKA PIKA!

Falco: Quiet you, you’re just filler! Anyways, I’m afraid the answer was to answer the question of...

Goofy: A-hyuck!

Falco: ...no. How many addresses have the government recently lost.

Donald: Oh no...

Kirby: YAY!!

Falco: Indeed, the action has generated a mixed reaction. With the twits completely in favour of the idea, celebrations were launched. One such twit is called Gordon Brown, who has tried to blame everyone but him. He said this... ‘The government has failed in its first duty to protect the public.’ He later gave the same statement about Iraq, the NHS data loss, and an unnamed man who was shot in Birmingham. And then tried to blame everyone but him for saying it. Our next round hasn’t been stolen. It’s called ‘real figures’. We will give the teams a number between them, and whoever can find 4 completely different things to do with the number wins. Of course, it has to be reasonably common knowledge. Taking an opponents idea loses you a point, but winning the round is worth 2 points, so it may be worth it. The number is 25.

Pikachu: PIKA!

Falco: Yes, I’ll give you that. Pikachu is the 25th Pokémon. Kirby?

Kirby:          YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Falco: yes, you got one. Marvellous, isn’t it?

Kirby: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Falco: We now turn to the team who doesn’t suck as much. Donald? Goofy?

Donald: Ath Pikathu rightly thtated, he ith the 25th Pokémon. Motht people know that 25 ith the thilver anniverthary, right?

Goofy: You’re right, Donald! 25th of December is Christmas, and then there’s the fact that most things to do with music seem to have a top 25 these days.

Falco: I’ll accept... well done, lads. Next is a good old fashioned quick fire round. Who is the most famous Pokémon?

Pikachu: Pikachu!

Falco: Well done. What is the slang term for ‘hello’?

Kirby: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Falco: Correct. What is the correct shortening of the celebratory word ‘hooray’?

Kirby: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

Falco: Right again, though that’s not exactly short. Lads, you’re on a roll! What’s a word used to spy on someone?

Pikachu: PIKA!

Falco: pika... peeking... I’ll accept. And so, mercifully, we get through a round without having to hear from the Disney team. With a quick look at the scores, we can see that Kirby and Pikachu are now ahead by a single point as we head into the next round. You have to guess a similarity between the following; Bono and Jeremy Clarkson.

Goofy: They both have some kind of exclusive super-fan-club that only the most stupid of celebrities get?

Falco: *beeps deeply*

Donald: Ith it thumthing to do with age?

Falco: *beeps in high-pitched tones*

Goofy: They were both born before Adam and Eve?

Falco: no, but you’re onto something.

Kirby: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Falco: No, that’s quite bad for you.

Kirby: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Falco: Ladies and Gentlemen of the audience, if you would join me, we’ll be eating Kirby live later on. And that’s if he wins...

Kirby: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Falco: DIE! DIE AND BURN!

Goofy: Erm, Falco?

Falco: Oh, yes. Right. Pssst, 1960...

Donald: Were they both born in 1960?

Falco: That’s right! And since you’d taste horrible, you can have double points for that! Oh, and look, we’re out of time. So, Donald and Goofy have won with 5 points, and I’m going to set Kirby on fire. Good night, people.