An Explaination of Why I Am

It’s always hard to put yourself in the shoes of another. A lot of people will look down on me for the events of my life. A lot of people would look down on him too. The truth is that we are just human being making stupid decisions, always thinking that we are the ones in control of a situation that we are not. My attempt in telling you this is not to make you feel sorry for me or condone my actions. I don’t think that there is an excuse for it. My attempt is to make you see that women like me are not always vindictive women. We are not whores that we are rumored to be. I don’t intentionally try to hurt anyone, but believe me, I am aware that I still do. I know my actions cause heartache to people, I know that my actions will inadvertently end up causing permanent scars that will echo into other relationships that my “victims” will face. They echo into mine as well.

What do I have in common with you? I think you will find that I am more like you than even you would like to admit. Maybe you hate me because I am like you.

I am just living life day by day making the same dead end excuses and explanations for my actions. I think that if I admit it, if I own up to my actions, that they will somehow change. Maybe this book is me taking accountability. Maybe this book will make me change. Somehow, I don’t think that’s the case.

Other women hate women like me. We are referred to as “desperate”. We are viewed as whores in the eyes of others. People think that we have no morals or feelings. We’re viewed in a light that suggests that we can’t find our own men so we take what belongs to others. We are adulteresses.

Of course I can’t speak on behalf of all women in the same position. Maybe I’m only speaking on behalf of myself.  But I want to let you into my world; I invite you to see things from my perspective.

I don’t consider myself to be different than any other woman. I am just one of the many foolish women who feel in love with a man who was wrong for her. Most of you can’t throw stones at that, and most of you have been here already. I’ve drawn many lines in the sand. I have crossed those lines in the sand. In the past four years of my life I have drawn many lines, many lines I never even would have imagined I would have to ever draw. I feel myself constantly being dragged by my emotions. Sometimes my emotions are like a speeding train, out of control and unstoppable. My body is tied to this train and is waiving in the air as the runaway train speeds down the track, like a flag being moved by the wind.

I am simply addicted to the way I feel when I am with him. I am addicted to his smell, his touch, the way his voice sounds in the dark. I am addicted to the feeling I feel all over my body when he touches me, I am addicted to the way he makes me feel like a woman. When we are not together, he is always on my mind. Songs on the radio make me think of us, smells in the air remind me of different seasons we spend together.  For the past three years I have broken so many personal rules, rules I would have never even thought I would have to even establish. He is my addiction, and like most addictions, I thought it was I who had control over the situation. I thought I could stop whenever I wanted to. But I can’t. In fact, I wish for the willpower to walk away.

I have always been a dreamer. I have had outlandish fantasies my whole life. As a result, I can’t focus, and I sometimes can’t separate real life from the fantasy that I have in my head.

It started it out because I was unhappy in the relationship that I was in. And I needed something that was missing in the relationship that I was in. I needed to feel beautiful and intelligent and worthy. I was missing those things, and running into the arms of a man who would make me feel this way was inevitable.

I get way too absorbed into movies when I watch them and I sometimes can’t separate myself from what I am seeing and what is reality. I’m a dreamer. My entire life is a movie, or in this case, it’s a book. It’s a constant soap opera with twists and turns. There is deception, love, thrills, hurt, and the magic ingredient: lies. My friends know they can always count on me for a new twist to an already twisted story. Sometimes life is stranger than fiction.

I knew from the minute I saw him, I knew I needed him and that he would fulfill something in me that was missing. He knew the same things about me. We denied ourselves the passion, until I finally gave into it. It was like fireworks exploding, there was an aching deep inside and it was the first time in my life that I felt that anyone came even close to relieving it. It was extremely wonderful, but it did not quench my thirst and I wanted more.

You never know how much is going on in the world till you join the population of people that are living the same life as you are. These people walk past you everyday and you would never know that they are part of a secret society. And then you join their club and you realize that this goes on all the time. Not every man or woman lives this life, but I can tell you that everyone has at least considered cheating at one point or another. Possibly you considered cheating in your current relationship, possibly in a different one. If you think about it, we don’t continue to want more if we are fully satisfied with what we have. And possibly we do it the “right” way, we separate from the relationship that is not giving us all that we need. Or possibly we do it the wrong way, we seek that fulfillment from someone else and we get caught up in the lies and twists and emotions.

Besides, what you consider to be cheating? Is the act of cheating just the physical connection that someone has with another? Or is cheating when someone has an emotional connection that they do not with you?

In that case, where is the fine line? Maybe we cheat everyday.