A different way to tell someone you love them
|It was another brain-exhausting school day. I would arrive and sit in a corner near the library and wait for my friend Tim to arrive. I always found it very awkward talking to him. I had a major crush on him. I think what attracted me most to him were his eyes. They represented mystery and a sense of 'cool'.
So, as always, I sat in front of the library, staring at the dark and long corridor of the English Block. It was my favourite Block. It had white walls but since no light ever passed through it, the walls looked a dull grey. It had the kind of mystery that Tim had. It amazed me. I looked at my phone. I received an SMS from Tim. I felt nervous but happy at the same time. I only got his number a week ago. Word got round that I liked him and once he found out he approached me. But it was to tell me that he knew I liked him. He also asked whether it'd be okay if he had my number. I shouldn't have said yes, but when you're so obsessed with someone, I guess you'd do anything to be in contact with them. "Hey! Did we have any homework due today?" I was over-whelmed. He's texted me everyday. It was always about homework, but never whether he wanted to catch up with me. My mum reckons he's playing games with me but I honestly didn't care. All I wanted was to be with him, whether he was good for me or not.
I knew he liked my friend Vera more than me, but I never gave up of the hope that maybe one day he'll see I'm better than her. That was never going to happen. He always liked girls in make-up and girls with high ambitions. Mine was to finish school, work for a bit and then travel before going to university. And hopefully marry him along the way. Vera wants to finish school, go right to university, study all these science subjects or to become an actress. She didn't quite know which career path to follow yet. I mean, she never talks about having a boyfriend in her future plans, so why should Tim get together with her? She just wants a boyfriend to show off to the popular girls so she can get into the popular group and not be stuck with 'us'. I wanted him in my life, why couldn't he realise that? I know I liked him more than Vera does. In fact, I didn't have a major crush on him, I loved him. More than anything. It was a waste of time loving him, Vera was already trying to get him out on date. Whether he accepted or not, I don't know. Ever since Tim arrived, Vera had a complete change. She would make herself pretty and all that stuff. She hated spicy food, now she loves it. She hated sport, now she loves it and comes down to watch Tim play sport. She was a real suck-up.
I closed my eyes and dreamed of finally having one school day where I could finally confess my feelings towards Tim.Though Vera a made sure that we would spend the least amount of time together. She is constantly hogging Tim, talking and making crappy jokes. She's so jealous! Since her arrival my school life has been made worse. Vera never liked me. We were okay at first but then the bullies told her lies about me and now, she and the bullies are against me, trying to make my life hell. My 'friends' are obsessed with her. She's the team leader. Nowadays, I'm the outsider of the group. They talk to me, about how well I did in tests and stuff, but never about other stuff. Tim, on the other hand, is much more caring. If you want to talk to him, he'll listen to you and won't tell a single soul. That's why I love him... he cares. I would nominate him for person of the year any day. I got diagnosed with Depression not long ago, because of all the bullying and lately I've been feeling so low that I wanted to take my own life. I'm too scared to do it though. Every time I felt down, I would think of this phrase I read in a book when I was little. It changed my life. "I am as hard as stone on the outside, but still people hurt me''. It's weird, this saying isn't meant to make you better. It's there to help you understand yourself. And I did understand. On the outside I can look tough and hard when I wanted to, but I always was fragile inside. Tim recognised that in people. He'd approach you and ask whether you were okay, and he'd touch your shoulder and look you in your eyes and look serious. He understood too.
There was another cold breeze coming through, I was shivering. I closed my eyes wishing it would stop. I heard footsteps come towards me. I knew who it was. I opened my eyes to see this angel-like figure standing in front of me. It was Tim. My heart skipped a beat. Or 2. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks. I made it so obvious that I liked him. I couldn't let him see me like that. I looked down and pretended to sneeze. Not a bad attempt because he seemed to fall for it. "You look cold. Here take my jumper. I don't need it anyway. I feel pretty cosy." He gave me his jumper and smiled and hugged me until I felt warmer. He leaned his head on my shoulder and rubbed his hands on my arms to make me warmer. He was doing a great job. I would've cried if he would've actually hugged me because he loved me.
His hug felt so,,, warm, loving, comforting. "Something's bothering you. What's wrong? Tell me, I'm worried 'bout you." Those irresistable puppy eyes. My heart melted. My mouth went dry. I couldn't talk. I just stared at him and smiled. Then I remembered that I'd been blushing and looked away. "I'm fine. Just a bit... chilly, you know." I wanted to say so much more but the words were stuck. Then this highly-pitched laughter was ringing through my ears. It could only belong to one person. You could hear Vera's laugh from a million miles away! She's just so much of a show-off. She walked around the corner and she saw me and Tim cuddling up. Jealousy filled her face. She stared at me. I freaked out and let go of him. She smiled a smile of victory. I was defeated once again. Then she went on to hug Tim, pretending to kiss him. Oh well, I guess maybe one day I will find someone as good as him. Someone who will love me to death everyday,,, someone like Tim. I mean, I'm already going to die of cancer; it runs in my family. Everyone knew about it, except Tim. I knew that if I told him, he would probably try to be a much better friend than right now. I know he cares about me a lot. I know he would never hurt me. Even if it is just a game
"Did you miss me Tim the Tomboy???" I shuddered at her words. Enough to make me hurl. She just wants to show off. Vera so deserves to be with the popular girls, not 'us'.
Then finally the others arrive and I felt a sudden sigh of relief coming up. My worst nightmare is over. They all gather in a circle, I am sort of in but always ignored unless I walk away. It's like my 'friends' don't want me. They are all pretty and smart and well, normal. They always smile, talk about hot topics. They all are the same. Tim mumbles a few words, looked at me with caution, closed his eyes and turned back to the group, sighs and says quietly "Ah well guys! I mean, seriously! Why would I wanna be friends with someone who's gonna die of cancer anyways? What's the point of being friends with someone when the friendship won't last anyways?"
My heart sank. I could feel this burning sensation coming up and I was ready to burst! "You think it's funny, don't you!? I know you guys hate my guts and want to make my life hell. I hate all of you! Especially you Tim! You made me believe you were someone else! You lied to me all this time! I hate you all!" I could have gone on and on but I had to keep my burning sensation in. I always say stuff I regret when I'm mad and don't think about what I am saying. It really just shows what friends I have. I trusted them with this secret and yet they ignored my embarrassment and decided to tell him, the last person in the world that's meant to know. Why don't they just tell the whole world. No one would care unless you were some high profile celebrity. And I was no where near that profile- never have and never will. If I had the choice I would've squashed that angel-face of his into bits and pieces. Just comes to show how angry and frustrated I was. But what good would a squashed face do? Maybe a few stitches and a lesson from my parents.
I threw his jacket on the cold grey concrete floor (to show him that I meant what I said) and stormed off into the Science Block. Everyone but Tim laughed, he looked confused and hurt. I had to get away. Seeing him would have made me regret what I just said. I hate seeing Tim upset. It's not fair on him. He's never hurt me. Until now. I sat in the corner where the uniform shop is. I stared into the distant view of tall Pine Trees and burst out into tears. I could have screamed in pain and agony. Screamed that I thought my Dream Guy was perfect. Screamed because I felt so betrayed. Screamed because I had nothing left to do with my life. Screamed because mum was right. Screamed because I just said all these hurtful words, without thinking through what I was saying to them. I just made myself look like a fool. I so terribly wanted to end my life. Right here and right now. But what good would that bring? It would mean that I am the type of person who gives up. A failure. Maybe that's what I am. A failure. I struggled to breathe. I didn't want to give up just yet. I could hear Tim search for me. Every time I heard his voice I got more and more mad at him. I replayed his words in my mind, feeling more and more worthless and hurt. Then he found me and sat next to me. I clenched my fists together. I wanted to run away. Kick his face into the wall. Kick him everywhere. Throw him against the wall. Scream abuse at him.Slam his head against the wall. I had to stop these thoughts. For a while we sat there staring into the distance, not daring to look at each other. The smell of the trees seemed to make me more calmer. Unbelievable, but true. There was another cold breeze and I shivered. You could hear my teeth going nuts. It was so freezing cold, my bottom was basically frozen to the ground!
After a long moment of silence and a sigh from Tim, he finally started talking."Look, what you heard isn't what you think it is. I was at Football practice yesterday and one of my mates said that. He was thinking of being your friend because he likes you, but then Vera came and told him that you would probably end up with Cancer and that you were a backstabbing you-know-what. Then she went really evil and he ended up saying all these nasty things about you. Back there I was telling Vera off because what she said hurt me because I know that you aren't what she said. I honestly felt like smashing her into pieces but you know me better than that! I'm sorry for this whole misunderstanding. I never meant for it to be like this. I hate fighting with you. Please, you know I would never attempt to hurt anyone, especially you. I am really sorry and I can understand if you don't believe me but all I can do is say what I know and hope that you will believe me."
"Believe you? How? What will you do?" I got up and walked in circles. It made me think harder somehow. I didn't want to listen to him. It could be a cheap excuse to get out of this situation. "I swear on my whole life that I didn't say what I said. I swear on my life!" I looked at him. He approached me and put his right hand on my left cheek. His hand felt so warm, so innocent, so beautiful. He wiped my tears away. He started crying too. Not for his sake, but for my sake. I wrenched myself free of him. For all I know it could be a trick. A game. "You know that I wouldn't lie to you. I could never ever lie to anyone! Especially you."
"Me?" That was unexpected. He approached me once again. He had his serious look again. I stared into his eyes and all my hate disappeared. "I was hoping to tell you this at another time but I am in love with you. I get this feeling I can't describe when I'm with you. You are the one that I feel most comfortable around. I get all nervous just by thinking about you. When you're not around, I wish that you could just appear and sit next to me and talk to me the way you do. I can't stand to see you sad, I want to make your problems go away. I long for you to be where ever I am because I always feel happy. I can't stand being without you. I feel lonely without you. I need you. Please, I beg of you, believe me." He started to plead as another tear rolled down his cheek. I wiped it away for him. All this time he stared into my eyes, his voice the sound of an angel.
I stared at him and smiled. A tear fell from my eye and got caught in between his fingers. He still stared at me and smiled. He came closer, still staring at me. His wonderful blue eyes, the eyes of a god, so irresistable. He grabbed my hand and looked hopeful. I could see in the corner of my eyes that my friends were watching. Vera wasn't going to be happy. "But I thought you liked Vera and those types of girls. The ones that have everything." I said, hoping I could give Vera a taste of her own medicine. I could feel her straightening up, waiting for his response. He looked at me and smiled even more. "You know that I wouldn't fall for a girl like Vera. I'm not that kind of guy. She doesn't have anything I want or need from a girl. I need someone like you. Someone with respect, with her own mind, her own life." I could feel Vera's fury right now. I knew she would be mad as hell right now. But why did I care? I know what he said was true. I know he couldn't lie- he would make it too obvious.
He squeezed my hand real hard as his face came closer. I could feel his desperation to kiss me, I could feel his feelings for me. Then it happened. I closed my eyes and I saw myself fly through the air, weighing nothing more than a feather. He let go of my lips, but I didn't let him go. His lips were warm, smooth and delicate. I could feel the passion in them, the love they held for me. He moved his hands down to my waist and slowly pulled me in closer to him. I grabbed his shoulders and tried to pull him into me as well. It was like a fairytale. But all fairy tales have to end sometime. He looked at me; I could see the delightfulness in his god-like eyes which were shining more heavenly than ever! "So, um, do you like me?"
"No,"I smiled and kissed him again. It felt like forever but forever is better than never. "I love you. More than you can imagine!"
"So, we're officially a couple, then?" He raised an eyebrow. He so knew my answer! I nodded. "But I have one question," He smiled and stared deep down into my eyes- like he was trying to mentally tell me the answer. I struggled to finish my question. "Why me?"
"Where do I start? You have the most amazing personality, your green eyes are just so beautiful and your smile makes any guy feel nervous! You are you. You don't try to be someone you're not. You're you and that's all I want and need. I love you." And then he lifted me up into the air. I could see his strong muscles shining through his school shirt. He looked up at me, smiling like everything will be alright. It would be much better than just alright! "I love you!" He screamed at the top if his voice. Everybody, including the teachers, was now looking at us in amazement.
I saw Vera and the others storming off, Vera being the loudest, sobbing. She wasn't going to be happy, but this is her payback. My revenge I guess. Nothing would never make me want to be friends with her. She never treated me right, why would she now? Only to get Tim to break up with me. Tim's mine. "I love you too, Tim!" I still didn't care about her. This was my moment. My time to shine. My happiness. My happily ever after. He slowly let me down and squeezed me into him and just kissed me while wrapping his arms around me. I finally felt like my life would start a new chapter. One with butterflies and rainbows, one that would never end. "Never let me go, and I'll never let you go."