Chance or Design or Atlanta?

                               Chance or Design or Atlanta?


I arrived at the door just after 4:30; a half hour after the party was supposed to begin.  The fact that I was even there was the result of a string of apparent coincidences that pointed me in directions I would not otherwise have gone.  A surreptitious design to place me at the party would have been incredibly complex, but pure chance would have been equally unlikely…I still do not believe that 100 monkeys on 100 computers typing for 100 years could write Shakespeare’s sonnets.  Some things we just have to accept, and it all began simply enough.

It was my first night in Atlanta for a two week working visit.  After dinner at a nearby restaurant I went to the hotel bar and was surprised to meet an old college roommate, Dan, who was accompanied by an associate.  They had just finished an interview with a client and agreed to join me for a drink.  This chance meeting resulted in my invitation to a cocktail party that upcoming Saturday afternoon at the associate’s house.  I agreed to attend with Dan and looked forward to our Saturday.

My week got hectic and I had forgotten about the party.  I was planning the next week and reviewing cases when Dan called to remind me to get ready for the afternoon’s festivities and said we’d have to drive separately.  He gave me directions and with enough time to make the party I was on my way.  Halfway there I received another call from Dan regretfully telling me that he was going to have to cancel.  With apologies aplenty and despite his absence, Dan insisted that I should go because the host was a great guy, throws a great party and everyone always has fun.  With nothing else on the agenda and my only social plans for this day reduced to meeting strangers, I resigned myself to give it a try.

My host, James, greeted me enthusiastically, as if he had known me for much longer than the time it takes to drink a martini which actually defines the length of our prior acquaintance.  Dan must have said nice things about me.  James graciously showed me through a nice house and into a very pleasant backyard.  The late spring sun dappled the lawn through budding oaks and sweetgum and kept the light chill out of the air.  It was a perfectly beautiful afternoon and it felt good to be outside.

I was introduced to various people, all very pleasant, and ultimately delivered to a well-outfitted bar where I ordered a tanqueray and tonic, was served, and reviewed my social options and obligations. 

As I took my first sip I surveyed the crowd.  For the second time in my life, by the same woman, and in the same city, I was struck dumb.  I saw her talking animatedly to two other women.  I could not move.  The emotion ran sizzling through my entire body.  I was staring and frozen in place…I couldn’t think, or rather I was thinking so much that no single thought got any traction.  After a moment I was lightly jostled by someone at the bar and that contact provided the impetus which enabled me to move in her direction.

As I walked toward her all I could think was “Marie!”  Beyond that my mind was in overload and it seemed I was moving in slow-motion.  One of the women she was speaking with had been watching me, tapped Marie’s arm and pointed me out to her.  When she saw me she stopped talking and turned toward me…our eyes locked.  I reached her and without speaking I wrapped my arms around her and hers automatically went around my neck.  I hugged her for several silent moments and was further struck by her signature perfume…like her brunette, unique, short  hairstyle, the same after all these years.  When I released her and again faced her I noted a coolness but was treated to a quick smile. 

She turned and graciously introduced me to the women she had been talking to…all the while I could barely take my eyes off of her.  Marie explained to them that we had been engaged many years ago.  One of the ladies said, “Not that we could tell!”  Marie made some pleasant comments, took my arm, excused us and pulled me gently away from the others so that we could talk. 

I told her that I was stunned when I saw her and that I hope my near catatonic state and subsequent embrace didn’t embarrass her.  She said that while not embarrassing it was indeed dramatic.

“How are you, Marie?” I asked, trying to still the spate of words and thoughts bouncing off the walls inside my head and realizing I would need to verbally communicate a substantive thought or I would lose the opportunity. 

She replied that she was doing well.  “And you?” she asked while surveying the crowd for the impact of my entrance. 

“Pretty well,” I said, “and a lot better now that I have found you!” 

“Scott, I am married” she said.  “My husband is here somewhere and I am sure by now he has heard about your demonstrative greeting.” 

I still couldn’t take my eyes away from her face.  “Do I need to worry?  Would he resort to violence?”  I queried, immediately realizing that this line of conversation was not going to make me any points...think, man, think! 

I was intent on focusing her attention on me and not on a husband approaching from the crowd.  I said “You know you are absolutely more beautiful now than you were at 22!” 

“What is with you, Scott?” she responded with her perfect smile.  “You come out of the blue and act like the whole world hasn’t changed since we last saw each other…and don’t tell me I’m beautiful, I don’t like it.” 

I said “The last time I told you you were beautiful was on our first date…you didn’t like it then, either…when will you face facts?  Right now you inspire me…you are absolutely gorgeous and I will defend my comments against all who doubt!”

“No, he’s not violent,” she said backtracking, evidently trying figure my direction, “but he may be disturbed by your outgoing familiarity with his wife.” 

“Marie, why so formal?  And are you married to him or owned by him?”  I was trying desperately to assemble a verbal gambit which would enable me to hold her attention, positively and quickly…I accented my comments with broad gestures and what I hoped was a winning smile.  “Are you committed to a lifetime of afternoon cocktail parties, and…, and besides, you haven’t even been able to find him in the crowd behind me…what kind of a guy isn’t going to be near you anytime he can?” I said. 

Marie fixed me with a look that I knew from past experience would soon result in fireworks so I quickly changed my tack; when in doubt fall back on the stark truth.  “Look,” I said, “I am sorry; I am clumsily trying to amuse you and hold your attention…as soon as I saw you I got this strong feeling I needed you to hear me and understand me quickly…and that same feeling also tells me that I don’t have much time to do it, so please bear with me."

She looked at me a little apprehensively and said “I remember you always being very charming, attentive and thoughtful.  I have fond memories of you and think of you, but time has passed and we are different people; we are not only older and hopefully wiser, but also have gone separate directions.”

“Marie, our directions can coincide...today is evidence that they already have.  Look, up until the last few years I was completely content living my life.  Now I am just going through the motions.  I have achieved each milestone I set for myself; I have found success in the goals society values.  I have bought everything I thought I wanted and sold most of it.  I realized none of that matters.  However, I have found I want a feeling, a happiness, a depth of emotion with someone I could actually connect with and share a life.”  I paused to collect my thoughts.  She was looking at me very directly.  I didn’t know if she was actually hearing me or if she was trying to develop an exit strategy, so I quickly continued.

“I have always remembered our time together as a wonderful period in my life and consider portions of it among my fondest memories.  In March of ’06 I got an incredibly strong mental impression of you that not only reminded me of aspects of you I had forgotten, it brought with it feelings and emotions we had shared…some of which I haven’t experienced since.  From that point on the memory of you has never been far from my heart.  I had no idea what was happening, where you were or if I would see you again, but I determined that if I ever found you I would make certain you understood exactly how I felt about you.” 

Her eyes left mine and she stared off into space and slowly lowered herself into a chair.  I sat down on the other side of the small table from her and asked if she was okay.  She quietly replied that she had gone through a very rough time that March and thought of me a lot then.  “But how could you have known?” she asked with incredulity and a touch of suspicion. 

“Marie, don’t you remember when we were seeing each other,” I asked, “and we had that psychic vibe?  I could intend to call you and the phone would ring with you there, or I could think about making dinner for us and you would show up with groceries.  I was lonely and miserable at 1:30 am in Virginia and thinking of you and you felt it and called to say “I love you”.  I guess your call to me in March ’06 was like that.  Don’t you remember those occasions?  I’ve never forgotten them.”

Marie slowly nodded and asked “What does it mean, Scott?” 

I said that I didn’t know, but I was beginning to believe that some things are simply sent in the direction they are intended to go.  “All I want to do is to know you and be with you.  You have been deeply in my thoughts since that March and all the signals I’m getting are repeated and distinct impressions leading me in your direction.  I mean, “if” I ran into a college roommate who knew our host I get invited to this party.  “If” my friend hadn’t called to remind me to come and “if” he hadn’t given me directions to meet him here and “if” I hadn’t already been on the way when he called me to cancel, I would not have come.  A lot of “ifs”, and too many for it to be mere chance.  Marie, aren’t you feeling something stirring deep inside…I’ve got some vibration somewhere in my chest that hasn’t stopped since I laid eyes on you.  I came here guided by unseen hands and reunited with you…the dream girl that left my life when I was an ignorant kid.”  I took a deep breath and tried to lighten the moment with a half-smile and a shake of my head.

She looked at me beseechingly and asked “What could we possibly do?” 

I said that we need to take things as they come; to trust the feelings we have for each other and the direction those feelings are pointing us.  I said that I did not know how it would work out but that it will work out because there was too much pushing us in this direction to ignore it.  I then asked her if she hadn’t had the odd sensation or impression foretelling changes that left a feeling of excitement and expectation.  She replied that she had and her eyes left mine and looked to my left.

“Lawrence, this is Scott Bowen; Scott, this is my husband, Lawrence Holt,” Marie said.  I stood up and extended my hand and said that it was a pleasure to meet him. 

He shook my hand and said “Likewise, so, uh, you two know each other?” 

Marie replied “Yes, Scott and I were engaged when I was in college.” 

“Oh,” Lawrence said, “that Scott Bowen...” in a failing effort to lighten the moment.  He looked inquisitively at Marie.  “How long since you two have seen each other?” 

I said “About 20 years?”, looking at Marie.  Marie replied that yes, it would be twenty years this July.  I appreciated her detailed accuracy as much as it must have pained her husband.

At this point the conversation lapsed…I was looking at Marie who had been looking at me, then looked away.  Lawrence looked first at me then at Marie.  Just then one of the men from Lawrence's group thankfully summoned him to resolve some matter of interest to their crowd. 

Lawrence said “Well, nice to meet you,” and took the opportunity to leave us. 

I replied “Likewise.” 

I sat back down and said “That seemed to go well.  He seems like a nice enough guy.” 

Marie said that he was really nervous. 

I asked “Nervous about what…unless he could sense the way I feel about you, then he has a right to be.”

Marie glanced at me sharply and said “You don’t even know me…its been a lifetime since we last spoke and you expect me to succumb to your charms and leave my life simply because you beckon.”

“Marie,” I said slowly, “I do know you.  I know you and I had something extremely special when we were young.  I know we didn’t realize the depth of that relationship, that connection, at the time…we were simply too inexperienced to understand.  I know neither one of us has found that same connection since, despite looking for it in every new relationship.  I know despite the heartache it caused, our break-up was for the best; that it taught us more about life and ourselves.  I know I have learned lessons and become a better person than I was…a person that can appreciate and grow and cherish the kind of special relationship we got an all-too-brief taste of as kids.”  I paused, but she held me with the same direct look, so I continued.  “I know you have been looking for the same thing I have and that same thing can only be found with you and me together.”

She looked away then back at me with her beautiful eyebrows furrowed and said “I don’t know…yes I have those thoughts and feelings; it was a wonderful time and an amazing relationship, but I can’t just give up all I’ve worked toward on the spur of the moment.  Lawrence and I have built a life together…nothing is perfect, it’s not easy, but we are comfortable and secure…” She looked away. 

I pleaded,“Marie, listen to yourself…“comfortable and secure”?  What is that?  Is that a life?  Is that a passionate relationship, a partnership which knows no bounds?  Is that an opportunity to wake up each morning with someone who cherishes every moment of the day he is in your presence?  Or is “comfortable and secure” a sofa in the living room with a dead-bolt on the front door?  I am ready, willing and able to share the single most gratifying relationship and experience in this life and you are the one, the only one, I will be able to do that with.  I feel this with all my heart…I think you feel the same way and I hope you will consider it.”

Marie’s eyes had glazed over during my monologue.  I didn’t know if she had been listening or if she was just focusing on my words.  If I had lost her I thought I might faint. 

She then looked at me with soft eyes, gently smiled and shook her head.  “How long have you been rehearsing that?” 

I replied with relief evident in my voice,“My whole day has been extemporaneous…all my plans went south from the time I got out of bed this morning and I have lived this entire day guided by forces I don’t understand… but, to answer your question…since March ’06 I’ve been imagining what I would say if I ever saw you again, although it never sounded like that!”

I noticed that we were getting some glances from various groups in the backyard and Lawrence and his cadre were among them.  I told Marie that I didn’t know anyone else here and that our host would certainly never invite me again with my proclivity for monopolizing the most attractive woman at the party.  She graced me with a laugh that carried across the yard and seemed to ease the rising social tension that had been mounting.  Now the looks became more indulgent as opposed to accusational. 

We began to reminisce about our previous relationship and we were soon laughing at the “singing toilet”, the Thanksgiving Dinner, the dropped wine bottle and other memorable episodes we shared and people we knew. 

Almost on cue the original women Marie had been talking with came over and completed the breaking of the social ice, as one of them loudly proclaimed “Since you two are re-acquainted we want to hear all about how you met!”

Marie and I looked at each other and laughed again.  I said “You tell them, I was too lovesick to know what was going on.” 

Marie proclaimed, “Oh, come on!  I know you remember every word!  He was the sweetest boy then… I was a 21 year old senior at Georgia and he broke right into my conversation just like he did tonight…”

I excused myself to refresh my drink at the bar and to let the women talk.  I ordered another tanqueray and tonic and Lawrence came over to the bar and asked how our reunion was going.  I noticed a slight tremor in his voice, but he was polite enough.  I said that he was a lucky man as she is only more attractive now than she was back then.  I followed that immediately with a question about what he did for a living, what sports and teams he was interested in and got him talking about his hobbies…anything to avoid the topic of my extreme interest in his wife.  He seemed pleased to go along with the charade.

I feigned interest in his responses and ideas and was positioned so that over his shoulder I could maintain Marie in my line of sight, and she had done the same…we were able to hold a reasonable level of eye contact over the next ten to fifteen minutes. 

A short while later he glanced at his watch and mentioned something about having to leave.  He said it was a pleasure talking to me, turned toward Marie, signalled that they had to go and excused himself to thank the host.  Marie got up, said her goodbyes to the women at her table and walked toward me walking toward her.  We stopped where we were alone in the middle of the crowd. 

I said that I had to see her and that our very futures were at stake. 

She said I was a drama-boy, but she agreed to call me. 

I said “Am I wrong?  Do you feel this too?  Am I just some nut?” 

She replied “No; Yes; No…but Scott, please let me digest this, let me find my way, please…no pressure, ok?”  I agreed, handed her my card and told her the name of my hotel, all with the unspoken hope of hearing from her.

After an abbreviated hug, she walked past me.  I watched her, guided by Lawrence, pass through the crowd; they said their goodbyes and left.  I felt bereft and naked as I stood there alone in the crowd; I took a sip of my cocktail and reviewed my afternoon.  I had come to an acquaintance’s party, made a splash with a previous fiance...the wife of a local, found and lost my heart in a relatively public way, and was now left standing amongst strangers.  I was contemplating a quick departure and was looking for the host when the women Marie had been talking to once again rose to the occasion.

I was re-introduced after apologizing for not remembering their names.  They completely understood.  I explained that after 20 years I was really in shock when I saw her.  They were impressed that Marie had such a strong effect on me after such a long time.  I told them my version of how I met Marie and they listened with rapt attention. 

Much like this meeting, the first time I met her initiated an internal debate between chance and design; I drove a car full of friends to a bar no one had chosen, for a beer no one had requested; I happened to turn around in mid-sentence and was struck by Marie; I left my friends and broke into Marie’s conversation with a confidence I didn’t possess.  I could only hope this second meeting would be as successful as the first.

When I finished, Terri, a cute brunette, asked me what I was going to do now. 

The other woman, Robin, a tall blonde, said “Yes, Scott, what are you going to do about Marie?  She is still extremely taken with you... your charm obviously hasn’t diminished in 20 years, and she sure isn’t going anywhere with Lawrence.” 

“Except home.” I retorted with a rueful smile.

I then said “I just walked back into Marie’s life…before an hour ago she didn’t know I was alive…I didn’t even know her married name.  What could I possibly do?  She is married…I made clear my feelings for her…but help me out…what could actually happen?”

Terri said “Well, from Marie’s point of view she isn’t sure she has a choice…you were the one from her past she could never forget and here you show up, sweep her off her feet and sing music to her ears…you nearly even swept me off mine!” 

“Huh,” I said “she sure hid it well…she was really making me work at it!” 

Robin then said “Sometimes you only get one chance…Marie now has a second…I don’t think she wants to let this chance go.”

I said that it didn’t sound like Lawrence has very much support from you ladies.  They replied that Lawrence was a basic “Georgia-boy” and he gets along great with their husbands, but Marie and he have always had problems.  Also, Marie had a severe health issue a while ago and it really changed her; made her stronger.  She became aware of what she wanted and he’s just not willing to grow or change.

I said that if I were Lawrence I would take this as a sign to straighten up and strengthen my relationship, especially after someone like me blew into the scene.  Now he would probably pull out all the stops to win her back…I probably helped their marriage, not hurt it.

Robin said that I didn’t understand.  “Marie is through with him.  This is the first time anyone has seen them in weeks and we had thought they were done.  I know she has already spoken with a lawyer.  When you came over and hugged her everyone thought that either she’d been having an affair with you or that she got you to show up and take Lawrence down a peg.  When the host mentioned that he met you only this week and had to beg you to come and knows a friend of yours, and then it turns out you were formerly engaged to her…well everyone was in Marie’s corner, and you looked like the knight in shining armor.  And the way she was talking about you when you left for the bar it sounded like she made up her mind.”

“So, Scott” said Terri, “with that in mind, what are you going to do?”

I thought for a minute then said “Marie was my ideal…physically, mentally, emotionally…everything.  She was my dream.  Everything seemed right with us from the moment we met and she was a joy to be with.  I was a young officer in the navy and after our first several months together I was sent all over.  We tried to maintain a long distance relationship.  Despite our best efforts it felt like something was working to separate us.  Things just would not line up.  Her airline ticket was invalid, or my car broke down…odd things would keep us from getting together and over time it almost became a joke, then the frustration set in.  I always loved her and that didn’t change, but that separating energy won in the end and we went different directions.”

“Recently I have gotten a lot of mental impressions of her that have kept her constantly in my mind.  That separating energy is gone, nor do I have a career that takes me far away.  I found myself searching crowds to see if I might find her and started to think of what I would say if I did find her.  When I saw her this afternoon it was as if I was living a dream.  All I could do was go to her.  Everything I thought I would say if I met her was a verbal jumble in my head and nothing could come out.  I hugged her because I couldn’t talk.  It took awhile but I think I finally got through to her what was in my heart.  That said, I don’t know what I can do…the ball is in Marie’s court and she asked me not to pressure her and to give her some time.”

Terri dabbed a handkerchief to her eyes and promised that Marie would call very soon.  Robin agreed with her and added that “you cannot ignore fate, or look past a gift from God, or miss a second chance at love” and other hopeful palliatives.

About then Terri and Robin’s husbands, part of Lawrence’s group, came over and the girls introduced them.  They were cordial but I could tell they were sizing me up and it was no secret whose side they were on.  Terri’s husband was a little slow shaking my hand and Terri told him not to be such a Georgia-boy.  Robin’s husband said petulantly “Well if we’re Georgia-boys, what is Scott?” 

Terri responded with an enormous, mischievous grin and the comment “He’s a Florida-boy!”

My fate was sealed with the husbands although their wives certainly appeared to be allies.  They turned to leave and I said goodnight and that it was a pleasure meeting them.  Terri and Robin both reciprocated and said they looked forward to seeing me soon.  Their husbands muttered a goodbye and left silently following their wives.

That was three days ago.  I felt the magic of that afternoon fade as the sun went down.  I made my thanks and apologies to the host over another tanqueray and tonic and was assured that no apologies were necessary.  The euphoria produced by the possibilities our reunion held lasted another day, but that too, has since diminished.  I am beginning to see the complications that could have dampened Marie’s resolve and although my ardour has not waned, I am not sure Marie’s had the opportunity to wax before her re-immersion into her reality.  I am leaving tomorrow evening and while I can be reached back home, I fear the longer I don’t hear from her the greater the gulf between us will appear to be. 

I now have more memories to play through my head as my internal debate rages on…whether it was chance or design or the city itself that brought me once again into her world; and the late spring sun dappled the lawn through budding oaks and sweetgum and kept the light chill out of the air.  It was a perfect afternoon and it felt good to be outside...