Heroin

Going to buy it was like a dream. Perhaps a nightmare. Watching myself on autopilot, going through the motions. Get on the trains, meet the dealer.

I'd imagined myself getting stabbed in a tenement block. Led astray. I'd even written out a note and left it on my bed. Guys name, number, meeting place, I'm sorry. Just in case.

I hadn't slept all night, so it really was like a dream. And when I met him, he wasn't the unacceptable face of heroin I'd anticipated. He was clearly on heroin. Pupils pinned, and sunglasses present, but cheery.

He said he'd be half an hour, and I expected to be ripped off. I sat suspiciously on the grass reading the newspaper, hands shaking, rustling the pages. He was back in 15. It was all so open, we chatted and parted ways.

I had now scored heroin. FUCK. I could get arrested. Everyone was police. I put the tightly wrapped ball in my mouth and got in a taxi. The taxi driver asked me five times where I was going - (Stupid idea to put it in your mouth).

I think he was used to it, he was trying to chat, trying to calm me down. But I thought he was out to get me. I was guilty. Any minute now and he would slap the cuffs on me. I freaked and asked him to drop me on the corner. I ran onto the subway. I was doubtless being watched, they were out to get me. On the train. My heart racing, hands shaking, reading the paper. Don't look anyone in the eyes. They'll know. I've by now learnt how to control the tremors in my hands. The ball of heroin is still lodged between my tongue and the roof of my mouth.

The train stops and just above my paper I notice two grey trousered men that flank me on either side. Fuck. Now this is it. Any minute now they'll tap me on the shoulder. I plan to run. The next stop is close, I'll charge through them. But they'll have thought of that. They'll push me back down, it's admission of guilt, suspicious behaviour. Can I swallow it in time? What is it bursts in my stomach? I'll be news at 10.

One of them gets off at the next stop. I breathe an inward sigh of relief. I'm home free. Next stop. I stride down the platform and past the lifts. I make a break for it and run up the cavernous fire exit steps. No police, through the gates. I'm out the station and bounding across the road, into the flat. I quickly brush my teeth and scrape my tongue! Fuck knows where that baggies been.

Unwrap the package and yeah, that's heroin in its pale brown flesh. I check my watch and its been an hour. I've scored heroin in an hour and my flat mates are still asleep. Too easy.