Untitled

Sometimes I find it hard to understand exactly why the world has to be so cruel. Yesterday a child needlessly lost his life. In the same instant, everything I held dearest to my heart seemed to crumble. At first, all that went through my head was the ever present "why" however the more I think about it the more I realize that the question was never "why" but "when". I knew that sometime things were going to get hard. Life doesn't have flavor unless there is a little spice. I just wish that it didn't have to happen the way things have fallen. I am losing the man I love. Not because of hate or distrust or disloyalty, but because he needs to move on. I don't want to be the thing that holds him back in life. I don't want this job to be the thing he looks back on and says why didn't I do it when I had the chance. But at the same time, I want him to realize what he is and means to me. I wasn't expecting a boyfriend this summer, I wanted time to regroup and become a better person than I was over winter. I wanted someone else. I wanted no one at all. He chose me. It took me what felt like forever to completely open up to the idea that I could be happy with him. I think it was the day that my mom actually told me that she liked him. Something changed. I couldn't tell you what it was; I'm still figuring it out for myself, but the world didn't seem to have the dark cloud over it. There was sunshine, there was a cool breeze off the lake, there were smiles. Everything seemed happy, free. Now its like in a matter of seconds I'm back at square one. A little boy died, his world fell apart, and rather than clinging to me for support, he pushed me away with harsh goodbyes. He thought he had to be strong for everyone. He wasn't strong for himself. Inside he was crumbling away piece by piece. In 24 hours, the man I loved is only a shadow of his former self. He's still there, but hiding. A mask in place of a face that used to show his very truth in his eyes. I hear the pain in his voice, but he hides it as something to be ashamed of not embraced. I just want to be let in, to have him trust me with his whole heart instead of just half of it. I refuse to be the one thing he regrets in life. I just want to know that he actually wants me. No one else. Just me. And I want to trust him in that choice.