Final Days of the Planet Crapt-on

The Final Days of the Planet Crapt-on


    The white-haired scientist Jar-Bell stood in front of the governing council of the planet of Crapt-on. "Ladies and gentlemen of the council," he intoned, "my research has led me to a conclusion that is as catastrophic as it is incontrovertible! It is my sad duty to report to the citizens of Crapt-on: Our planet will soon explode!"
    He paused to wait for the murmurs and exclamations of panic to die down. But there were none. The council, dressed similarly to Jar-Bell in their metallic white jumpsuits, merely stared back at him without expression.
    "I'll give you a minute to allow that to sink in," said Jar-Bell uncomfortably. "But it's true: Crapt-on is doomed! To save our species, we must depart in giant spaceships of my design, ships that will take us to a planet its natives call ‘Earth.' On that planet, we shall possess great powers! Powers of flight, super-strength, the power to cast our voices across the room and make it sound like we're in two places at once, which will freak everyone out, but it'll be really cool. We'll get to see through each others' clothes. And if we don't like someone, we can set fire to them with our eyes."
    He paused again, and finally the council members exchanged glances. "Wow, that's…really something, Jar-Bell," said Ay-Jax. "We thank you for bringing this to our attention. We'll look right into it. Thanks."
    Jar-Bell looked blankly back at him. "Perhaps you didn't understand me—"
    "No, no, I get it. Planet's gonna explode. Thank you, now."
    The scientist looked at the faces of skepticism that gazed down at him from their elevated desks. "You don't believe me?! Is that it?"
    Another member, Pax-Ill, sighed and leaned forward. "Jar-Bell, planets don't just explode. There's just no natural way for it to occur. In order to generate enough energy to blow up a planet, you'd have to have a ball of uranium about three kilometers wide. And even if that managed to make its way into Crapt-on's core without anyone noticing, the core contains numerous neutron-absorbing elements. It just doesn't happen."
    "Plus, that x-ray vision thing is whack," said Ay-Jax.
    Jar-Bell waved the explanation away. "Look, regardless of what you've read, my conclusion reamains: Crapt-on is going to explode!"
    "Isn't that what you said about microwave ovens when they first came out?" asked Pax-Ill. "You said, ‘Don't turn that on; it'll explode!' Jesus, all you did was scare the kids."
    Jar-Bell cleared his throat. "Well, I agree that may have been an overreaction."
    "And you said the same thing about my plasma television," said Ay-Jax. "And my radio. And my cowboy hat, for some strange reason."
    Jac-Ov added, "And didn't you also say we'd explode if we ate too much vanilla pudding?"
    "Now that is true!" insisted Jar-Bell.
    "No, it isn't!" countered Ay-Jax. "Even if it weren't physically impossible, you have a vomit reflex that would prevent you from— I cannot believe I'm having this conversation! It's not going to happen, Jar-Bell! Nothing's going to explode!"
    "But you must believe me!" Jar-Bell pressed on desperately. "The fate of the entire planet is at stake! How can you disbelieve the words of the greatest scientist of Crapt-on?"
    The members again shuffled uncomfortably in their seats, looking amongst each other. Moments later, Jak-Ov addressed the scientist. "Here's the thing, Jar," he began. "You're not really Crapt-on's greatest scientist. We've kind of been humoring you all these years."
    Jar-Bell looked as if he'd been slapped. "What? What are you talking about?"
    Ay-Jax took Jak-Ov's lead. "We just thought it was so cute, the way you were always coming up with these crazy stories, and we felt kind of sorry for you, but you were never really taken very seriously as a scientist."
    Jar-Bell gaped at him. "But all my inventions! All those theories of mine that have helped contribute to the advancement of Crapt-onian science!"
    "Uh, yeah, about those," said Ay-Jax. "We've had a look at your new so-called ‘communication device'? Turns out it's a couple of styrofoam cups with a string attached. If the person isn't right there in the room, there's no way we can hear them."
    "You need a more conductive string—"
    "And you know those so-called ‘cars' you invented, the ones where you have to stick your feet out the bottom and start running? They're totally impractical! You know what else? You can't defy gravity by going on a diet! There is no object in our solar system called Planet Hollywood! You can't time travel by reversing Crapt-on's rotation! Oh, and toast is not one of the elements! Why would you even think that?"
    Jar-Bell looked downcast. "I…I see. I guess I've just been an old fool all this time. Well, I apologize for wasting the council's time. But maybe I can use this experience as a wake-up call: We can ignore the dire warnings of those who say our planet is in peril! We can just continue what we're doing without consequence, without caution! Yes, that is how we should live! Ever carefree! Ever blissful! Ever ignorant!"
    Ay-Jax sighed. "Now you're talking, Jar-Bell! Well, I guess that's it for tonight, folks! Meeting is adjourned!" He brought down the gavel on his desk.
    And then the planet Crapt-on exploded.

[Please check out "I'm an Idiot, You're an Idiot" by Richard Scott on Amazon.com]