Celebrity Jeopardy

“CELEBRITY JEOPARDY”

With: Eddie Murphy, Christopher Mintz-Plasse(McLovin), and Sean Connery






Written by: Aaron Farrell

2008©          
W.V.T.V          
Aaron Farrell
[e-mail]











FADE IN:
INT: Jeopardy Stage/

         Alex Trebeck dressed in a suit stands poised at his podium and the three celebrity contestants are at their podiums to his left.






Trebeck
Hello and welcome back to celebrity jeopardy I’m Alex Trebeck and may I remind our contestants to please refrain from using ethnic slurs.
(Pause)
Lets take a look at our contestant’s scores. Relentlessly holding last we have Eddie Murphy with a tragic score of negative 6233.






Eddie
Lets do it baby! I got! I got!





-Eddie Murphy grins and throws the camera a thumbs up.





Trebeck(cont.)
In second place is “Superbad’s” very own ‘Christopher Mintz-Plasse’ with a score of negative 6250.


McLovin
I-AM-McLOVIN…





Trebeck
(Sighs)
And in first place is our very own Sean Connery with an outstanding lead of negative 2300.





Connery
Great to see you Trebeck. It’s been awhile.





Trebeck
Not long enough Mr. Connery. Would you like to insult my mother before we get started?



Connery
No no, Like I always say, “There’s nothing wrong with a little anxiety to keep people on there toes,” Trebeck.





Trebeck
Yes well…





Connery
As a matter of fact I kept your mother on her toes all last night!


-All three Celebes burst into laughter.






Trebeck
That was completely uncalled for.
(Pause)
And with that said lets take a look at some of our categories. First we have:
Potent Potables,
Colors that end in “Ellow”,
Potpourri
Your Favorite Animal
Black Comedians named Eddie,
WW II,
and Gentle words.
(Pause)
Since you are in last place Mr. Murphy the board is yours and may I suggest the “Black Comedians named Eddie,” Category.





Eddie
Wow look at all the lights and people. This is so fun! This reminds me of that one time I was in that Nutty Professor movie! Did you see that one. Remember I had to put on a fat suit and…




Trebeck
I change my mind. Mr. Connery why don’t you pick a category so Mr. Murphy will shut the hell up.





Connery
Ha Ha! Then the day is mine! I’ll take “Black comedians named Eddie” for 500 you filthy brigand!





Trebeck
Please stop calling me that.
(Pause)
The answer is “This black comedian named Eddie was recently caught for picking up a cross dresser in his limo.”




-BUZZ

Connery
Sean Connery!





Trebeck
Who? No!





Connery
Who is Sean Connery?






Trebeck
No.





Connery
What is Sean Con-






Trebeck
I know what you are trying to do just stop.





Connery
Damn you Trebeck! Don’t act like you are so smart when your holding the cards with all the answers you lollipop! This guy has cards!





Trebeck
What………ever.
(Sighs)
Mr. McLovin why don’t you pick a category.




Mclovin
I-AM-MCLOVIN…



Trebeck
Who?



Mclovin
MCLOVIN…




Trebeck
Who do you love?




Mclovin
MCLOVIN… World war II for 800.








Trebeck
Instead lets make that “Show and Tell” for 200.





-BUZZ
-BUZZ
-BUZZ
-BUZZ
-BUZZZZZZZ

Trebeck
What do you want Mr. Murphy!






Eddie
I’ll take “Show and tell”, for 200 hundred Alex!




Trebeck
I just said that! Stop playing with your button and pay attention. Did you take you pills before you came on the show?




Eddie
No sir! Ha Ha Ha! Gotchya! But I did swallow a whole 8 ball of Crack Cocaine before I rode my unicorn over here.






Trebeck
That’s was a little to much information Mr. Murphy.
(Pause)
The question is “what is the object I’m holding.”
(Holds up a cup)




-BUZZ


McLovin
It looks like a … one of those … Um, a hammer?






Trebeck
No this is something you drink out of sir.



-BUZZ
-BUZZ
-BUZZ
-BUZZZZZ…


Eddie
A gym sock!



Trebeck
That’s disgusting.


-BUZZ

Connery
A paper bag!






Trebeck
No!





Connery
Who is a paper-





Trebeck
No! Good lord! It’s a friggin’ cup!



-BUZZ


Eddie
Did any of you see my movie NORBIT. See I not fat, so I had to wear a fat suit to-!






Trebeck
Okay everybody stop we are losing control just calm down take deep breaths and Mr. Murphy please stop dancing! I’m getting tired of this.




Connery
Blow me one Trebeck! Give me “Genital Warts” for 800.


Trebeck
That’s “Gentle Words” Mr. Connery, not “Genital Warts”. I’m honestly beginning to believe you all have learning disabilities. That does it I’ve had enough. Lets just go into final Jeopardy. The category is “The Industrial Revolution”.
(Pause)
I do not know why that is up there so I’m going to change the category to “Pre-School Shapes.”




-The lights dim.


Trebeck(cont.)
All you have to do is draw a shape.
(contestants begin writing)
Any shape. Any shape at all. You can draw a triangle, a square, or even a circle. You can even lie and draw a square if you are thinking of a rectangle. There is no wrong answer.
(Pause)
And Mr. Murphy is writing way too much. It’s just a shape.





-The lights come back on and Trebeck walks over to Eddie Murphy’s podium.



Trebeck
All right lets get this over with. Mr. Murphy lets take a look at your-




Eddie
Hey! That reminds me! Did you see Dream Girls! I was in that movie! You know I used real dope when I did the scene with the needle! It was fantastic! Do you do drugs?







Trebeck
Mr. Murphy, I’m not even going to look at your answer because you are an imbecile. And by the way I don’t shoot dope but in your case you are certainly a dope worth shooting.
(Walks over to Mclovin)
Let’s see what Mr. “Mclovin’s” answer is.





-An incomplete circle resembling a “C” is written.





Trebeck
I am speechless. A “C”. You couldn’t even finish the circle. Never mind lets see what you wagered.




- “I-AM-MCLOVIN”



Trebeck
“I-AM-MCLOVIN.” Are you English or Retarded?
(Trebeck walks over to Connery)
I’m sure you all are very proud of yourselves. Mr. Connery I would rather not look at yours because you most likely ignored the question entirely but for the sake of the show lets have a look.




- “O”






Trebeck
Well, it seems we have a winner. You actually drew a shape. Great. Well that’s all the time we have for today-




Connery
Wait a minute Trebeck. Don’t you want to see what I wagered?




Trebeck
Uhm? Do I have to?





-The circle turns into “TREBECK SUCKS IT!”




-All the celebrities burst into laughter and Connery playfully shoves Trebeck.





Trebeck
That’s all for celebrity Jeopardy and once again three perfectly good charities are deprived of money. Please don’t bother joining us next time because I quit. Good-bye. 




FADE OUT: