When I'm Without You

The roar of the jet was quieter than I remembered it being. The lights were dimmer than they usually were. The air-conditioning was warmer than it should have been. The smell of air-conditioning dust and sterilisers was too weak.
My senses were dull, and I didn’t care. I was slowly going numb, but I knew it wouldn’t last. Even as the numbness set in, even as my limbs slowly turned to ice, I could feel fear beginning to grow in my stomach. My right hand began to shake uncontrollably. I shut my eyes and, clenching my fist around the arm of my seat, and waited for the numbness to set in. It wasn’t long before my hand was all but frozen to the plastic. My shoulders had begun to shake as well, and my legs. The fear had well and truly set in. It was my survival instinct coming into play, my natural fear for my life. I couldn’t survive without Anton, and Anton wasn’t here, so my body wanted to get where Anton was. I bit the inside of my lip as I felt the tears begin to burn my eyes. I would not cry – in insisted that I allow myself this one bit of pride. Even if I was shaking with fear, or slowly going numb, even if I began to scream from the torture of being alone, I would not cry.
I hadn’t even cried when I left Anton in America. I was too proud for it. Just like I was too proud to tell him I loved him. Just like I was too proud to ask him to forgive me for being so stupid. Just like I was too proud to tear that stupid ticket in half.
I was even too proud to hug him back when we were saying goodbye. I was too proud to tell Arwen how much it hurt that she wouldn’t even look at me. I was too proud to tell his Nan that I loved her like a mother.
Me and my stupid pride.
My dismal musings were interrupted by a flight attendant. “We’ve arrived at Glasgow, Sir. You can get off now.”
I somehow managed to make my frozen muscles do their job. I didn’t even have to bend down to get my carry-on bag. I hadn’t bothered to let go of it since I left.
I walked slowly down the isle to the door and out into the airport to meet my welcoming party. I tried to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and finally made it
There they were – Jared Smith and Kerry Fletcher. My parents – if you can refer to them as such. The Nannies raised me and the butler, Joash, took care of me for most things as I got older. I’d left Joash in America because I was too fragile to be around anything or anyone that reminded me of him.
I stopped next to Kerry and Jared – just far enough away that any accidental contact was improbable, and purposeful contact would be awkward. Not that I expected any purposeful contact.
“Welcome back,” Kerry said coolly, what she really meant was ‘why on earth did you come back?’ Kerry was the more compassionate of my parents.
Jared looked at me. “What are you wearing?” I didn’t even bother to glance down. He glared at me. “You’ll have to change into some jeans at least. And I’d rather you walk around naked than spend another minute in that t-shirt.” He said t-shirt in the same way most people would say ‘dead rat’. I just stared ahead blankly. Jared ‘hmphd’ and turned away, walking briskly towards the nearest exit. We went home in silence. In the limo we sat and glared sullenly in our directions of choice, just like the good old days.
When I finally got home I was greeted by an assembly of staff. I recognised Sara, a cleaner, and Dwayne, security. They were the first to realise that something was wrong.
Sara took my hand like I was still a child and led me inside. As we walked through the doorway she did a little drum-roll. I glanced around the lobby, noting the wallpaper on one wall and the spiral staircase. It was clearly Kerry’s doing.
As I stood looking around, Sara tried to cheer me up. “Isn’t it wonderful, sir? Your room is just where it always was and it’s been refurnished in red and white with a new window – the old ones were so small and dreary, weren’t they, sir? Oh, it’s wonderful to have you back, sir.” She smiled at me eagerly.
I stared at her blankly. “Sara, call me Jason.”
She smiled happily, thinking this meant I was in a better mood. I walked upstairs, down the hall and into my room. I didn’t bother checking my extensive walk-in-wardrobe or my ostentatious en suite. I just collapsed on my bed and curled up into the tiniest ball possible. The knowledge had finally sunk in.
Anton was in America. I was in England. Anton was in Vegas. I was in Glasgow. Anton wasn’t here. Anton was gone.
And still I was too proud to cry.

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The final boarding call went over the speaker. Jason slung his bag over one shoulder as he stood up. I stood up, Arwen and Nan following. We all walked over to the dwindling line to board the plane. Jason turned to us, ticket in his hand. “It’s just the stop over in New York, and a short flight from London to Glasgow.” He turned to Nan and hugged her quickly. “Thanks for the lift.”
She hugged him back, harder. “We will all miss you, Jason, especially Anton. I don’t know what he will do without you.”
That made two of us. Jason just smiled in a half-hearted way. “I’m sure he’ll manage.” He turned to Arwen. “Arwen, are you still not talking to me?” She was silent, and good on her for being angry like I wish I was. Jase hugged her, and she shook him off. So then he turned to me. “I’ll… I’ll miss you Anton. Please don’t be angry with me.” He swallowed and continued. “I- I wish I didn’t have to go. It’s just too hard for me to- to keep it up.” He bit his lip and held out a hand. I considered it for a second, then, realizing it would be the last chance I ever got, I stepped forward and hugged him. I willed it to be enough to make him stay, I prayed that he would understand that we could work this out. He hugged me back, and for just a moment it seemed like I was going to have my way. Then he broke away angrily. “Um, yeah. See ya.” He turned quickly to the flight attendant waiting to scan his ticket. Then he walked down the corridor. I always heard that when you’re about to die, you notice everything in the most minuscule detail. It was true. I noticed the tiniest shake of his shoulders as he walked toward that bend in the corridor, the one that would cut him from my sight for the last time. And I noticed how hard my heart was hammering in my chest. Everything was about to end. I could feel it. Just before the corner, Jason turned to face me once more. There was a tear lingering in the corner of his eye, as it was if trying to decide whether or not to make its way down his face. In that second, everything depended on whether or not that tear escaped his eye. Time, meaning, life, it all depended on that tiny tear. And my body knew it. Jason smiled once, the most tragic smile I had ever seen, then wiped the tear from his eye. And in that moment, my universe ended.

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I woke up with a start, finding myself soaked in cold sweat with a loud ringing in my ears. Swallowing dryly, I found the remote by the bedside table and turned off the air-conditioner. My infallible memory quickly jumped to work, reminding me of every detail of my dream. When I thought about it carefully, it should have been obvious that it was a dream. Even if I really was Anton, I should have realized that the Jason I was looking at was the Jason in the mirror, the back-to-front Jason. That Jason wasn't me. But it was a realistic dream, and the pain it brought on was severe enough to wipe out any higher brain functions. I shuddered and tried to focus on the ticking of the clocks. There were so many clocks in this house - all of them placed here at my request. Sometimes I just needed to be reminded that the world kept on spinning - and the ticking of  the clocks was enough to do that for me.
Kerry said the noise drove her insane at night, but she and Jared had already found out the hard way that it was easy to sleep with the clocks than without them. Kerry later commented that she’d never heard anyone scream so loud for so long. I hadn't the heart to correct her grammar.
This stray thought drew a bitter laugh from my lips.
I hadn't the heart for most things these days.
Said organ ached pointedly, and I swallowed dryly once more.
As the strange ringing began to fade, and I could hear the clocks more clearly - I turned the air-conditioner back on, and willed my self to be lulled to sleep by the ceaseless ticking of the clocks. I didn't like my chances.