When Silence Isn't Golden

"Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?"

I felt like I had been kicked 100 times in the solar plexus. Why did I say that? Was it the right move? I had just done what everyone told me to do. It was supposed to make things better. It was the right decision.

The "right" decision is still haunting me two weeks later, after a very wrong decision that had disastrous consequences. I lost my best friend who had been there for me for 12 years. My reputation changed, if not for the worse, certainly not for the better. I'm forced to lie to my family, the only people who have loved me unconditionally throughout all of this, every day.

And the worst part is, I still miss him. The person who did this to me. Because it wasn't all his fault. It was my stupid decision too. It's easy to blame him, but I went along with the idea. And that makes me as bad as him, if not worse, because I should have known better.

So now I have nothing. And I know that there's a chance that if maybe I say something to him, just maybe, he'll come back to me or I can come back to him. But I'm not making a move. I'm scared to. What if he says no? What if he's not interested anymore? What if I messed it all up?

I'm being a coward. I know. And if I'm left with nothing, it's no worse than what I have now. But I can't.