by Tom James
Here's a short sketch I made. I think this is pretty funny one. One of my beginning works.
|District Manager: Ok, hello everyone, welcome to the first meeting of Earth’s Core Inc.
Um, is everybody here.
Duke: I’m here.
DM: Where’s Joan?
DM: Joan from accounting.
Duke: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to be more specific.
DM: She’s the only woman in the entire office.
DM: She’s a nice woman, yay high. .... has really large breasts
Duke: O, that Joan. Man I’d sure like to take her on a magic carpet ride.
DM: Well as wonderful and sexually discriminative that may be, that doesn’t quite answer my question, where is Joan?
Duke: She’s dead to me.
DM: Ok, but where is she, we need to get started.
Duke: No, i mean she really looks dead to me.
DM: What do you mean she’s dead?
Duke: (walks over to the closet and opens the door, rolling out a desk chair. In the chair is Joan. Joan has on reading glasses and has very unnaturally large breasts. Joan is is quite ugly by most standards, homely if you will. Joan is also dead, and has blood dripping from her neck.) Here she is in all her glory.(Duke wheels her around behind a desk and props her in an upright position, except her neck)
DM: Oh my God. She killed herself with a company stapler.
Duke: I know. Those staples aren’t for personal use, she needs to pay for those.
DM: The national board is sending in someone for inspection. This is terrible. We are gonna lose our jobs, and worst of all, i’ll never get to see Joan’s sweet beautiful face again.
Duke: (slaps DM across the face) Now you’re just talkin crazy talk, pull yourself together man! Now look, we can get through this, but you must listen to me and follow my instructions very carefully. Do you understand!
DM: Yes, just tell me what to do.
Duke: ( in a serious state) Do you have your car with you?
Duke: Do you have ten dollars.
DM: Yes. Yes i do!
Duke: Is there a nice fast food restaurant within 5 miles from here?
DM: There is a Taco Bell.
Duke: Dear God Man! ( slaps DM again) Get to that car, start it up, roll down the windows, let the seats cool off a bit and then let me in.
DM: Where are we going?
Duke: (slaps him again) Oops, sorry, force of habit. Are you ok?
Dm: (Dazed and confused) You told harpo ta beat me.
Duke: Good, lets go. (guides DM out the door)
(They both leave and Joan is left alone with the spotlight on her. She is still in the upright position they left her. About ten seconds pass and her corpse plops/thuds on the desk face first.)
They return after about a minute laughing, walking in with bags of food
Duke: And then, then I got on the floor, and she got on the floor, and we both screamed at the same time, “Laminated Yay!!!!” ....Hey isn’t that Joan.
DM: Oh shit.
Duke: Well, I’m all out of ideas.
DM: The hell you are, I am taking control now, I am gonna be the leader. Now you take that bitch in the closet and make her look pretty!
Duke: Wow. you know she may be dead, but she still has feelings, so watch the language you insensitive jack-ass. ( as he moves the chair, Joan falls out. He then drags her to the closet)
DM: Now, I need something to lighten the mood. (looks in desk and finds two CD’s: one is a mix tape, the other is the RENT soundtrack) What is this?
Duke: (he returns dragging a newly revamped Joan. she is covered with makeup and looks like a stripper, or a whore, or both. there is a scarf around her neck to somewhat hide the blood) Ok, she’s kinda pretty now.
DM: She looks like a whore.
Duke: I dunno, there’s kind of a dead calmness to her. (soft music plays) One that comes with inner peace and a resting of the soul. I like to think that the body is merely the cocoon for a more beautiful self locked within us all, developing ever so slightly. (music stops)
DM: Well that’s kinda beautiful.
Duke: Yeah.... I still wanna take her on a magic carpet ride.
DM: What did you say?
DM: Ok, put her back on the chair while I put some music on.
Duke: Why are you putting on music?
DM: So the atmosphere will be better when the inspectors get here. Unfortunately, all i have to choose from is RENT and this mix tape. And oh yeah, why do you have the rent soundtrack.
Duke: Give me that! I dream of one day becoming a great lesbian of the arts.
DM: I think you mean thespian.
Duke: Bless you, (hand him a Kleenex out pocket)
DM: Well I’ll just put this mix tape in.
Duke: I wouldn’t do that.
DM: Why not. Are you afraid of what’s on here. What could be more ridiculous than the RENT soundtrack? (DM puts in cd and it is Katey Perry’s I kissed a girl and i liked it/ or something very upbeat and pop like) Dear lord,... is this what i think it is.
Duke: It has a good beat dam it! Don’t judge me.
DM: Well let’s leave it on for a while. We need to go buy some spray, Joan is starting to stink.
Duke: Yeah, she stinks. Because it is definitely her that smells.
DM: Ok then. Turn the music up. Maybe while we’re gone, she’ll come to life, like in that movie, "Weekend at Bernies."
( they turn up the music and leave)
(as Katie Perry plays in the background, the spotlight is focused on the corps of Joan. the corps moves a little, then plops/thuds down face first on the desk)
A while later
The boys come back
DM: Ya know, I have never seen anyone get banned from Wal-Mart
Duke: Look, if you offer a money back guarantee you should stand by it damit.
Dm: You can’t take back used condoms!
Duke: All I know is. I bought a product, it was ineffective, and i want my $5.75 back....Hey is that Joan.
DM: Oh shit.
Duke: We’re gonna get fired aren’t we.
DM: Yes. Yes we are. But there’s still hope, we can always sing. (Dm steps into the spotlight) 525,600 minutes, how do you measure, the....oh fuck this
Duke: Come here, give me a hug, its gonna be ok. (They have a man hug)
Dm; (still in hug) You know, I still can’t figure out how Joan managed to kill herself with a stapler, that had to have been excruciating.
Duke; That’s because it wasn’t suicide, it was murder.
Dm: What? Duke, you’re hugging me a little too tight there buddy
Duke: just relax, I’m gonna take you on a magic carpet ride (pulls out knife or something) straight to hell. (lights Fade)
About 1162 words