See-Saw

When my brother and I were kids, we didn't have a whole lot of money. We never went without anything, but our family couldn't afford many "luxuries". It's amazing how money orientated we become as adults, because as children we just got on with it. We did not have any outdoor toys like swings and slides etc. So, we got an old, metal dustbin and a wooden ladder that we found in the park, put them together and Hey Presto! - we had a see-saw! We played on that thing for HOURS at a time. Sometimes it was the best fun ever. Other times it made me want to throw up...

That part of me has not changed. I am still very up and down in my ability to cope with life. And today is a day where I'm not having fun. I just want to throw up. The depression is much bigger than me.  Back to unwashed hair, still in jammies at tea-time and avoiding the phone as far as possible. And feeling pretty useless and guilty.

However, no one has died. No one is dying. No one is beating down the door to beat me up about something I haven't done. And unironed laundry has still not been designated a crime. Most importantly, I am not drinking, cutting myself, or wanting to do either of those things. So really, I am ok. I have to ACCEPT that I suffer from depression and am in the early stages of recovery from alcoholism. In the same way I had to accept as a kid that we just couldn't afford to have certain things. I learned to improvise - to do what I could with what I had. And accept that there were some things that just weren't meant to be.

I found this listed under "Time" in alcoholics Anonymous Daily Reflections today:

"Do not be discouraged.
Few experiences are of less value to me than fast sobriety. Too many times, discouragement has been the bonus for unrealistic expectations, not to mention self-pity or fatigue from my wanting to change the world by the weekend. Discouragement is a warning signal that I may have wandered across the God line. The secret of fulfilling my potential is in acknowledging my limitations and believing that time is a gift, not a threat."

I was certainly feeling very threatened by time until I read that. Time I have wasted. Time ticking away. What time I need to get up tomorrow morning. How much time it will take me to prepare for my meeting tomorrow. And I am certainly guilty of (over)indulging in unrealistic expectations, self-pity and fatigue. Though I still struggle identifying when that is ok to accept because of the limitations of my mental ill-health, and when it is just self-indulgent.

It was probably more than a little self-seeking of me to start an argument on a social networking site discussion board earlier today because I objected to a comment someone made about my writing... That was a definite choice, and one which cost me about an hour and elevated my blood pressure considerably.

But the rest of my day has involved me fighting against and refusing to accept my limitations. I am really going to try working on that. A day at a time.