Letting My Depression Go

This post is probably what has made me so depressed lately
I'm going to write it, even though a big part of me is begging me not to.

Every time I remember you the image gets fainter
Like an old text book its papers are flaky and fragile.

I am forgetting
The way your voice touched my soul

I am forgetting
Your face when it cracked a joke

I am missing
The part of me that was for you

It’s not your fault
Neither is it mine

It isn't us
It just wasn't the right time

I wish I could do it over
Without going back

Because if I did
I'd make the same mistakes over again

Getting over you was the hardest
The stampede of rhinos in my tummy are no longer there
They left with the setting sun

I miss you in the sense that nothing seems to be right
I miss you like the day misses the night

I wake up from my dreams in fright
I have nightmares and can't speak of them

Maybe it's the loneliness that is speaking
Maybe it's my own stupidity that is typing

Remember when I told you
"I'm not holding my breath" ?
Well it turns out I am
I've turned blue
I don't dare exhale
I would shatter
And every seam in my heart
Would split open again
Gushing anguish and hurt into my veins

Nothing would change, not here not now... I know that.
But maybe in a parallel universe
There'd be a place that could accommodate me and you

Sometimes I wish this world wasn't so screwed up
With stupidity and rules that make no sense
And that I didn't have to have diamond walls for defense

I miss you
That's all I want to say
I hope you can understand my warped way of thinking
I think you did
That's why your presence was so valuable
And the hurt from losing you is so tangible
I can't bring you up in a topic without being vague
Or else all hell will break loose

Seriously I think I'm in a lifelong noose.

Raz ma taz
C'est la vie I guess.

We'll get what we want in the end in sha Allah
In heaven
Where all this sadness and pain would be nonsense

But until then...
Sigh…
All I can do is pray... (Which, between you and I, is the most powerful thing in the world)