The Love of Morayta

The fragrance of frying kikiam and fishballs. The noise of the busy people of Morayta. The streets we used to walk on. Thinking about these memories induces nostalgia to my soul. London is no Manila. As I walk on this street that leads me to the place of the past for one more time, memories resurface again to haunt me. I am now ready to hear the most painful answer to the most beautiful question in my life.

He calls me pare since time memorial. (Pare is a Filipino term for a close guy friend.) As childhood best friends, we witnessed each other’s metamorphosis – from the emergence of our pubic hair (countless of times we dived and bathed in the same river together) up to the time we realized our values in life. We went to the same school from elementary to college and enrolled ourselves in the same course. Basically, we grew up together like inseparable twins. No one knows me better than him. Not even my mom who always has a fish to fry, and my dad who was a seaman since my phallic years. There’s not a secret my best friend and I didn’t share…

…except for one.

At a certain point in my adolescence, I was confronted by then-bizarre truth. I realized I never saw him as my best friend. Not even a friend.

I’ve always been in love with my best friend. And he never knew.

What made our situation more difficult is the fact that both of us are two human beings with XY chromosomes. To simplify that, we’re both males. And in this machismo society of ours, homosexual love, although not a taboo anymore, is not widely accepted yet. So, what I did, I concealed my real self and the love I have for him. In one of the chapters of Coelho’s The Zahir, he said: “Love must be free and untrammeled, guiding us with its force and driving us on.”

Hiding my real sexuality isn’t a walk in the park. Many times I found myself in situations where I almost opened my closet. When my former classmates notice the girlishness in me, I just answer them with lame alibis. I’m not gay. I’m just a little bit more feminine than other straight guys. Some would just nod their heads, others would raise their brows. I had a girlfriend before, how can I be gay? Another stupid lie from me. I never had a girlfriend. I knew then I had to be extra careful. Hiding inside my closet deprives of the energy from the sun. Thus, I feel very frail inside. I feel so incomplete. I want the persons around me (especially ‘him’) to appreciate who I really am, not who I’m trying to be.

Rain pours heavily from the sky down to the streets of Morayta. I was standing near the gate of the school waiting for him to come out. Ever since we entered FEU, we make it a point we always go home together unless we have different meetings to attend to. But today’s not a busy day for us so we can go together and watch raindrops as they fall down while walking our way home. I felt a tap on my back and I excitedly turned my head with a smile on my face. The smile turned to a frown right after seeing him under the umbrella of another person. The person was a girl. Arianne. A ‘new friend’ of his he introduced to me days after the opening of classes.

“Oh,” I gasped in disappointment. “Hi.”
“Hey,’ he called. “Arianne and I are going to the mall.”
“Do you want to come?” Arianne asked.
“He can’t come. Remember, Arianne, this is our first date,” my best friend said. There wasn’t a sign of seriousness in his voice, but the statement doesn’t seem to be a joke also. Still, I felt pain in my heart.
“You guys enjoy. I’m going ahead,” I answered in a cold, lonely voice.
“You sure?” Arianne asked.
“Yeah.”
Without looking at them, I left.

I managed not to talk to him after the incident even though we live in one roof. I don’t know if he noticed but I always avoid him every time he tries to talk to me. One night, while he was taking a shower, I went through his stuff in his cabinet and saw a piece of jewelry inside a drawer. It was a ring. Beneath the ring was a piece of paper. I read what was written on it:

“Arianne, if I give you this ring, will you like it?”

The door of the room opened. He entered only with his towel on. His eyes reached my hands; one was holding the paper while the other was holding the ring. He took the ring and the piece of paper from me and pushed me away.

“Who told you to touch my things!?” He shouted.
“I’m sorry, I – “
“Never ever touch my things again!”
“Are you driving me away from your life?!” I retorted. “If that’s what you want, fine. I’m tired of being your best friend! I’m tired of being JUST your best friend!”
“…What do you mean?”
“Are you really that clueless? Huh? I never wanted to be just your best friend!”
I neared to him and grasped his arms.
“Don’t you understand!? I love you! I LOVE YOU AND I HATE IT!”
Words echoed like they’re coming from a deep well. It’s a very, very deep well where I hid my feelings for years. And now, I was able to set them free finally.
“What did you say?”
“You heard what I just said. Now let me just ask you just one question: Can you love me back the way I want you to love me?”
It’s the ultimate question that will answer all other unanswered questions.
“Answer me!”
Silence lingered until he broke it with his reply: “I’m sorry I can’t answer your question.”
My hands on his arms loosen as tears cascade from my eyes.
“I’m leaving for London this week. This is going to be the last time we’re going to see each other.”

The day before I left the country, Arianne and I talked.
“Do you love him?” I asked. She was a bit hesitant to answer the question at first, but she nevertheless gave me the answer I was expecting.
“Yes, I love him. But – “
“Please take care of him,” I interrupted.
I was about to walk away when she called me: “Someday… You’ll understand.”

Ten years have passed since I last set foot on Morayta. I learned they change its name already to Nicanor Reyes St. But the milieu of the place stayed the same. It’s still the same old Morayta my best friend and I used to travel. And deep within me rests the same feeling I had for him ten years ago.

I was waiting for nothing outside the gates of FEU when my eyes stumbled upon the familiar face of a woman exiting the gate. She was with a guy. Our eyes met. She smiled at me and made a gesture telling me to follow them. They led me to a nearby fast food chain.

We sat on the chairs, face-to-face. I can’t seem to understand why she was smiling at me all the time.

“Is he your husband?” I broke the silence. “I thought you and him ended up together.”
She didn’t answer. What she did, she handed me an envelope. Inside the envelope were a familiar ring and a letter.
“Is this the same ring – “
Without letting me finish my sentence, the woman in front of me nodded. I turned my eyes back to the letter. I deciphered it.

You asked me if I can love you back the way you want me to love you. I told you I can’t answer your question. I’m sorry, I was not ready. And if you thought I never kept a secret, you are wrong. Because I hid two of the most important secrets of my life from you. Do you want to know what these secrets are?

I glanced at Arianne, the woman in front of me. The smile remains on her face.

Do you wish to know my secrets?

Ever since the day we first met, I already felt something unique for you. We were children then, and we can’t still recognize the complicated feelings we have. I tried to make myself believe it was mere friendship. But as we grow old and mature, I learned that what I feel for you is different from the feeling a friend has for another friend.

I love you. I love you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to tell you that before.

If you’re going to ask me again if I can love you the way you want me to love you, I’d still give you the same reply. “I’m sorry I can’t answer your question.”

Do you want to know why? It’s because of the other secret I kept from you. Are you sure you want to continue reading?

I took a deep breath. My tears are already uncontrollable.

When we were kids, there was a time when I fell absent from school for almost a month. Do you remember? That time, I told you my parents and I left for a vacation. I lied. I got sick that time. Our doctor diagnosed me with Leukemia. My parents thought it was still manageable and so we continued to live our normal lives again. What we didn’t know, the cancer has spread already in different systems of my body. The day after you left, my sickness started to kill me again. I felt very weak without you.

This is the reason why I can’t tell you how much I love you. And it’s the same reason that’s keeping me from answering your question. If God will give me another chance to live my life, my answer to your question would be different: “I will love you every second of my life. I will never ever make you cry. I will never care about the people who will judge our love because I know same sex love is the purest love of all. It only takes love for a man to love a woman. But it takes love and courage for a man to love another man. It’s the bravest thing in the world.

I’m sorry. I can’t be your boyfriend… not in this life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

Arianne stood from her seat and knelt in front of me and embraced me.

“He loves you. He loved you from the very start until the day he died. You’re his one and only love.”