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Rated: E · Bulletin · Comedy · #1583039
Totally Hiding Identities Everywhere Forever. Where your identity is mine...figuratively.
Everyone’s afraid of getting their identity stolen these days, and rightly so.  After all, scientists’ research shows that most people will have their identity stolen a lot of the time.  Luckily, there are a lot of companies out there that can help protect your identity.  Well, allow me to introduce the newest and most innovative identity theft protection company that puts all others to shame: Totally Hiding Identities Eveywhere Forever.

I personally GUARANTEE that your identity will NEVER be stolen, as long as you’re a customer of mine.  Just ask two of my newest customers: the Dalai Lama and Pope Benedict XVI.  Sure, they may not be able to agree on the existence of the eternal soul, but they do agree on this: no one will ever steal their identities, thanks to Totally Hiding Identities Everywhere Forever.

Anyways, I’m sure you’re saying, “Identity protection sounds great, but what’s this going to cost me?”  Well, if you sign up today, I’ll give you the first month FREE, with each additional month for only $19.99!!  All you have to do is provide me with a valid credit card number, the full name as it is written on the credit card, and the expiration date!!  No checks getting lost in the mail, no dealing with cash.  On the first of each month, I’ll simply charge your credit card.  Can you believe it’s that easy?!?!?

And when you sign up, don’t forget to give me your address, full name (including middle name), and your date of birth.  Oh, and I can’t protect your identity without your social security number, so be sure to include that, too!

Come to think of it, we better have a “Plan B” in case you max out your credit card, lose it, or get a new one and forget to let me know.  You know what’d be easy as 1-2-3?  Just provide me with your checking account number, bank name, and routing number!!  This way, there’s no need to worry if you can’t make the payment with your credit card.  I can just automatically deduct your monthly fee from your checking account!!  Doesn’t get much more convenient than that, eh!?!?

Now let’s get down to the scary stuff: what happens if I determine that someone is actually attempting to steal your identity?  You’d probably want me to get a hold of you ASAP, am I right?  Of course you would.  When you register, simply include your phone number (work, cell, and home), all email addresses, and your drivers license number.  I know what you’re thinking.  “How will providing you with my drivers license number prevent my identity from being stolen?”  I’m glad you asked.  Well, believe it or not, the first thing that identity thieves usually do with the victim’s identity is get a new drivers license.  By having yours, I can be alerted anytime someone gets a new drivers license that matches your number!!  You’ll thank me later.

There’s one more final piece of the identity safety puzzle: your passport.  You certainly don’t want anyone pretending to be you and traveling abroad.  Believe me.  I’ve got too many stories about identity thieves getting caught smuggling drugs, but somehow it's the innocent victim who ends up spending 45 years in a Venezuelan prison!!  The best way to nip that one in the bud is by providing me with a copy of your passport photo.  Trust me - you do not want to spend the rest of your days trying to avoid getting shivved by someone named El Tigre Grande.

Oh, and one more thing.  It’s just a teeny little detail.  It’s nothing really.  You remember how I asked you to enter your date of birth when you register?  Well, you’d be surprised how many people mistakenly enter the wrong date!  Seriously!!  Well, don’t worry.  I've got your back.  Just send me a copy of your birth certificate, and then I can make sure you didn’t switch that 4 for a 5 when you signed up!!  You’re welcome!!

So what are you waiting for?  Just send all of the above information and documents to i.want.to.be.safe@, and you’ll be protected forever!!


Where your identity is mine…figuratively speaking, of course.

Questions?  I'd love to answer them.  Unfortunately, in order to protect the identities of my clients, I cannot divulge my name, contact information, or whether or not my company is technically located on “international waters,” and therefore not subject to the jurisdiction of any territory, state, or country’s government agency.
© Copyright 2009 Steve Jebson (jpman40 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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