Burden In the Sand so you'd Understand

WHY I DECIDED TO SERVE MY COUNTRY DURING A TIME OF WAR…                 



Because eight years ago during the month of September I woke up afraid and desperate with nothing to my own.



Because I knew my deceased Father would be proud of whom I would become.  He’s been resting in Arlington since May 2001.         



For once in my life I felt like I had to be a part of something bigger than me and more about YOU.         



I did it because in the power of my God I found courage and the strength to walk that perilous line centered on Heaven and Hell.



I stood up and committed to action while the liberals and conservatives alike talked of what they would do if they only had the courage…………….to carry a gun in their shaky hands.



I did it because I saw fear in the eyes of my greenest Soldiers and hid that same fear within myself saying “it’s OK to be frightened.” 



I served because I had faith and strength in camaraderie, an amazing feeling as I walked the desolate streets of the Triangle of Death.         



I served because nothing shocked me before that first day in the ‘Stan…I thought the horrors of war were less than they are, but soon found out that I knew nothing at all.  I will always have the smell of death in my nose.         



I did it for the hug from my 5 year old daughter when I came home from my second tour. She was clinging to me, a stranger and I was scared she would ask who are you?       



I did it for my mother although it tore her in two.  She aged beyond her years during the two deployments I served.  I was selfish to think that her torment was not as real…A foolish boy centered on his own world. 



I served because I saw a Soldier on a stretcher calling for his Platoon Sergeant and while holding his hand “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault and I allowed my battle buddy to be shot too, it’s my fault…I’m sorry.”  Fighting back tears the Platoon Sergeant comforted him and said “No Soldier it’s my fault.  You have done great it’s the best we could do.” 



I served because of the mentioned above lived and recovered past the most powerful moment of all.



I did it for my nieces and nephew so they wouldn't know the nightmares I dodge as I’m alone in the dark of night, hoping for a text or phone call from anybody in my life.



I did it for the love of my big sister so she would be proud to say, my brother's a combat veteran of the U.S. of A.



I did it because an 18 y/o said you’re like a Father to me Sir.



I did it for YOU and the softness in your eyes.         



I did it for all your children and mine; to protect the innocence that they know and live behind. 



I especially did it for my battle buddy who needed a friend when no one else was there I listened to him cry about injustice and a cruel World.  Put my arm around him and re lived my pain.



I did it for that loser dad, who doesn't have a clue, with his pathetic cries of injustice of a cruel world which is a slap in the face to a Soldier’s inner turmoil but sadly it’s the best that he could do and there is no damn excuse for such a Fool.



The hell I endured delivered an angel to my side and the grip I have held on so desperate and tight.



I did it for my friends who thought what a tool. I especially did it for my friends who said I know you’ll make it when they knew that I was through.



I did it for my Father’s brother who now feels he was wrong for protesting in the 60’s on the stupidity of Viet----Nam.  What my Uncle fails to realize the freedom of choice was his and there for his disposal.  I hope he knows he was right because there is no doubt about it that’s what it's been about all along.                 



I did it for my own in injustice and the painful circumstances I've lived. So my wife could bed with another man, and I could understand that at one time my child and my money are now fostered by another Man’s hand. As this happened while I was in the midst of defending your freedom of the best homeland.



I did it to never be second guessed again by my friends and family.  Although they still question me with WHY don’t I do this or show up there and make them my number one priority when I have time to spare? 



I did it for the lonely nights from a lovers touch so I can now live this way. I practiced solitude and did it all without any of you by my side!  So far away in the back of my head thinking there's got to be a better way? 



I did it because I wouldn’t want YOU to feel what it’s like jumping out of my skin as explosions go off near my bed.  The essence of survival pounding in my head.         



I gave my innocence to view a twenty year old boy withering in pain, Soldierly tough and relieved to be going home...he now visits me in my office and it’s the best part of my DAY. 



I saw it as an 18 year old gave his life with so much pride and love for his country no one could understand.  It made me question my own service at the blood stains left behind were once angrily flowing in my head.



I served where a good friend was delivered already dead to my arms and sometimes I forget his name and it fucks with my head.         



I served during a war where I saw 4 young kids return to drug addiction and now prison; thinking they were above the law with mental health issues as their major flaw.           



I served where the last possible candidate served in a foreign land he put a rifle to his mouth and completed his last stand.



A great sergeant who was a better friend died recently in a motorcycle crash enjoying his freedom, at his funeral my old squadron looked sharp but wearily devastated in resetting for another tour in a foreign land.                 



I served because it brought me back to YOU. I did it all for the love I have for each and every one of YOU.  But especially for YOU because when I'm alone and curled up in my bed scared to see what lies ahead; I’m still holding onto the dream of a future clouded in a feeling of lifeless dead; slyly starring into the rear view mirror of all that I did.           



I served for the pride and right to say I did fight in the mountains of Afghanistan and the desert sands of Allah but for once in my life I'd like to say I got what I deserved instead of why did I get burned?                 



I did it because I'm strong because I knew I could make it. I did it for justice and the freedom of my land. I did it for the expectation that YOU would understand. 



I hope I made it clear that I'm merely just a man. Of flesh and bones no superman.



No one sees the world as you do alone and I heard this once in a song “You never know how you look through other people’s eyes,” but I got your back as I know you have got mine.



My advice to you is to get a grip; a better hold of yourself before you come through next time, because on the footsteps of my door you will find that I am not weak nor disillusioned in my tranquility and pride. 



I have a few dark secrets and uncontrollable urges.  It’s fiber of my soul that I will easily share as it’s comforting and reasonable in even condescending air. 



But it doesn’t take me long… I’m OK; I’m doing just fine…I’m doing the best that I can with all that I am. 



I served because I am Complex, Simple, or proud and the accusations of selfishness are absurd.



I did it because I love the smell of gun powder and violence excites me to certain degree.



I served because conceptually it elevated me to who I have become.  I want what I want.



I serve because I truly liken myself to the Phoenix or an Eagle of the Sun. Resurrection is my pride and sorrow all wrapped into one.



I am the Witchdoctor.



I served for the right to yell across the way "Hey! Soldier you need to walk with your head up!" Because I know what he's going thru…



I give my Life, Love, Spirit and Soul to YOU as a man, as your Father, as your only son and brother, the best uncle and lover that I can, but above all else I did it because of my tireless SOLDIER's who I watch over with pride.



Sometimes I ponder...where did I go wrong?



But it doesn't take me long...I'm feeling better than ever what's wrong with you?