into the unknown

I don’t like reality. That’s why I don’t live there. It’s not healthy to live in a fantasy world, I know that, but that doesn’t stop me. Why would I want to go back to a world where I am unnoticed and unimportant? Here in my world I can be anything I want to be, my past doesn’t exist here. I don’t have a future planned out for me; my future is what I want it to be. Mine. I can be selfish here, everything happens because I want it to, not because that’s “the way life is.” I hold the cards. It’s always hard to come back to reality; usually I don’t. Reality is cruel, harsh - it makes the spoiled triumph and the needy cripple. Why would anyone want to go back to that? What’s the point? There’s nothing in reality that I can’t have in my world. I am loved in fantasy world, wanted -needed- because if there were no me then there is no world. I can be who ever I want to be, I don’t have the medical problems I have here.



Sometimes I think people from fantasy world slip into reality world with me. I see them out of the corners of my eyes, they hide in the shadows, stalk me. They are not the ones I like. They are from my nightmares. The part of my world where I hate to go; but sometimes, I don’t have a choice. They swarm around me, suffocating me, making me hyperventilate in the thick air they force upon me. My chest feels heavy and it gets difficult to stay in reality. I want to give in and sink into the cool, dark emptiness that is “Nightmare.” But I know better, if I do I will surely lose it. So I swim to the surface, struggling harder to break out of the heavy water but it keeps pulling me back. I know I am close to giving up and struggle harder. The surface is so close that my fingers barely brush it. I smile in triumph as my hand reaches the air of reality. But the rest of me is still trapped in Nightmare. I kick my legs urging myself to go faster, push harder, my arms are out of Nightmare now but my head is still in a fog. I can feel myself giving up; I start to sink back into the black abyss, before I struggle twice as hard as I was before. With new determination I push myself out of the water; the heavy air lifts and I can breathe once more. I focus on what’s happening in reality; bringing myself to attention.



Out of the corner of my eye I see the girl and I feel myself fall once again into the deep pits of my imagination.