A Match Made by Lucy

A Match Made by Lucy

By

Barefoot Bob



Gregory Hines, at age 32, a fairly attractive man with a good job, had never had any luck with the ladies. He finally realized that his problem could be summarized in one word: compatibility. He had never found a woman who shared any of his interests: He like fishing, they liked shopping. He liked lively discussions, they liked spreading gossip. Sometimes he would meet a woman who loved to get up at the crack of dawn and go jogging. He, on the other hand, woke up, made some coffee, and stared into space while his mind re-oriented itself to reality. Where did they get all that energy? The women he’d meant so far just were not compatible with him. But all of that changed when he met Lucy.

Allison McCaully, age 32, a fairly attractive woman with a good job, had never had any luck meeting the right man. None of them so far shared any of her interests, with the possible exception of fishing. But you can’t build a relationship on who catches the biggest bass. The men she’d met so far were just not compatible with her. But all of that changed when she met Lucy.

Lucy, as her nerdy creators called her, was the most sophisticated computer ever designed for matching people based on compatibility. As fate would have it, both Gregory and Allison signed up for a romantic match made by Lucy. After feeding their hungry credit cards with a substantial amount of money, Gregory and Allison filled out a lengthy application form which required them to list everything imaginable about themselves from their shoe size to how they would react if they knew the world was about to end in twenty four hours. Lucy even demanded a lock of their hair so she could process their DNA. Oh, Lucy was thorough. But Lucy, for a computer, could also be rather mischievous.

When Gregory and Allison met it was love at first sight. They knew it was there. They could feel it deep in their hearts. Lucy had done her job well. However, there was a bit of a problem when these two lonely people met. After smiling and a hopeful “Pleasure to meet you” said in perfect unison, they were shocked to discover that they were unable to even shake hands. It felt like some kind of force field came between each of their hands and repelled them away when only mere inches from touching. They both flapped their hands, in unison, and tried again. But to no avail. Despite their intense mutual attraction to each other, they were unable to physically touch each other. Something was very wrong. Frustrated, Gregory and Allison met at the office of Lucy, Inc. to complain.

“See?” said Gregory, demonstrating their inability to even shake hands to the middle aged man in the striped suit seated behind a desk with the name plate John Jugs, Compatibility Counselor, “Allison and I are very attracted to each other, but we are unable to physically touch. What is going on here!”

“Oh, my,” said John Jugs and stared at the ceiling. “Lucy… Lucy… You’ve been a bad girl.”

“Bad girl?” said Gregory. “What are you talking about? It’s a computer.”

“Shh!” said John Jugs. “She’ll hear you.”

“Nonesense!” exclaimed Gregory and Allison, in unison. “It’s only a computer.”

John Jugs put a finger to his pursed lips and whispered: “Lucy thinks she’s a person.”

“Well what is this… this…” said Gregory,” “Force field, “said Allison, completing his words.

“We love each other,” they said in unison. “But we can’t even…” Realizing they were both trying to say the same things at the same time, each offered the go ahead to the other. After several moments of mutual respect, Gregory finally accepted her offer to speak. “ We are unable to touch each other physically.” Again, they demonstrated an attempted handshake, each pressing a hand towards the other as hard as possible, only to be repelled by some invisible force.

“Sorry about that,” said John Jugs. “We call it Compatibility Syndrome. Here,” he said, reaching into a desk drawer. “Let me explain what is happening.”

“Please do,” a disgruntled Gregory and Allison said in unison.

Mr. Jugs pulled out two horseshoe magnets from his desk.

“… had any science?” he asked.

“Some,” they said, again, in perfect unison.

“These magnets,” explained Mr. Jugs, “each have a positive and a negative pole. It is a scientific fact that unlike charges attract. “ He placed a magnet with the + sign to the – sign on the other. The two magnets clanked together. “Now,” he said, a wry grin forming on his lips, “this is your problem.” He placed the tip of one magnet with the + sign to the tip of another magnet with the + sign. “Look at that,” he said, handing the magnets to Gregory. Gregory tried to put the magnets together but felt an invisible force attempting to keep him from doing it. “Like charges repel,” explained Mr. Jugs. “You two fine people are so much alike you are creating similar force fields… thus making it difficult if not impossible to touch each other.”

A similar angry redness formed across both Allison and Gregory. “Are you saying,” they both said in unison, Gregory yielding the floor to Allison, “ that Gregory and I are so much alike we are prevented from touching each other?”

“I’m afraid so,” said Mr. Jugs. “You two are just too compatible. Lucy was programmed to delete some small similarity in a couple to keep this from happening. But sometimes… well… She omits that part… We think she does it just to amuse herself.”

“Lucy is only a damn computer,” bellowed Gregory.

“She’s a bitch!” added Allison.

“No, no,” said Mr. Jugs between anxious gritted teeth. “Please don’t anger her.”

“But we love each other,” Allison and Gregory said in unison. “What can we do?”

“Compatibility Syndrome is easy to fix,” Mr. Jugs assured them. “All that one or both of you need do is change something about yourselves.”

“The lovelorn couple gazed at each other a few moments. Then they said, in unison, “That sounds easy enough” They smiled at each other and said, in unison of course, “We can do that.”

As they left the office of John Jugs, Compatibility Counselor, they felt a renewed sense of their future together—one in which they could express a tender embrace, and, of course, the ultimate physical expression of their love. However they were shocked when another couple suddenly barged into the waiting room. A man and a woman were pressed closely to each other, shuffling sideways, chest to breast, while shouting at each other.

“Get away from me!” shouted the woman as she attempted to push him away, stuck to his body as if it had been super glued.

“You get away from me!” retorted the man, also tugging and attempting to disconnect his body from hers.

“I hate you!” screamed the woman.

“I hate you, too,” said the man.

Allison and Gregory stared at the couple and then at each other.

“Unlike charges…” said Gregory. “Attract,” said Allison.

“Lucy,” they said in unison.

“What a b…” Allison started to say.

“Shh!” said Gregory.

Gregory and Allison made a pact to change something about themselves. They decided to stay away from each other for a day, work on changing something, and then meet the next day. Mr. Jugs told them that they only had to change some small thing about themselves and everything would be fine.

On the way home, Gregory stopped at a deli. The frustration over not being able to touch the love of his life had worked up an appetite. He chose meat loaf and mashed potatoes, his favorite. And then, nervously, he approached the dessert section. He glimpsed it out of the corner of his eyes, trying to convince himself it wasn’t even there. But is was… Blueberry pie, just sitting there as if daring him to put a slice of it on his plate. Blueberry pie was his absolute favorite. He had to resist it. If he had any hope of physically expressing his love for Allison, he had to resist it. He had to change his preference for blueberry pie. Deliberately, he placed the tongs over a piece of chocolate cake. But the blueberry pie looked so, so inviting. He didn’t think he’d ever wanted blue berry pie more than at that very moment. He glanced at the chocolate cake, but his eyes re-directed themselves back to the blueberry pie. A craving for blueberry pie overwhelmed him. He had to have it. He felt that if he didn’t eat that slice of blueberry pie, he would surely die of frustration! His mind began to arrange things like some mental gymnastics. Mr. Jugs told them only one of them needed to change something about themselves. Allison would change something, he was sure of it. Allison would change something. He could have that slice of blueberry pie and everything would be fine between them. An overwhelming craving for blueberry pie topped his guilt feelings for breaking their pact. He shook his head and placed it on his plate.

Meanwhile, Allison kept her appointment at a hair salon. The blonde tint in her hair was beginning to fade. She told the hair stylist what she wanted while she leafed through a magazine. The hair stylist prepared the tinting solution. She was about to apply it when Allison suddenly told her to stop.

“I changed my mind,” said Allison.

“Are you sure?” asked the stylist.

“Yes,” said Allison. “I need a change.”

“It’s your choice, Allison,” said the stylist. “But you look so good with this tint.”

“Yes. I know,” said Allison, glumly. “I love it. But I have to change something.”

“It’s your choice, of course,” said the stylist.

Allison examined her hair in the mirror. “Oh,” she said, grimacing. “I hate to do this. I hate to just let it fade.”

“I’d have to say I agree,” said the stylist.

Allison began to rationalize. Only one of them had to change something about themselves to get rid of the compatibility syndrome. She was sure Gregory would change something about himself. Fighting the guilt she felt over breaking the pact she told the hair stylist, “Do it… “Go ahead and tint it.”

The next night Gregory and Allison met at a mutually agreed upon bar. Gregory had arrived early, but quickly realized that Allison had done the same thing. She sat anxiously waiting for him. They gazed lovingly at each other, equally positive about an ensuing embrace. With out-stretched arms they approached each other. But as fate—and Lucy—would have it, they were unable to touch. An invisible force field stood between them, as stubborn as a football linebacker. They pushed at each other with all their might but were unable to break through. They backed away and pushed harder, but to no avail. Their inability to physically touch brought a few curious looks from people around them. They smiled sheepishly. But their smiles turned to frowns.

“Didn’t you change something about yourself?” asked Allison.

“Well I… I,” he stammered. “I thought you would.”


“Well I… I,” she stammered. “I was just sure that you would.”


“I guess,” said Gregory. Allison completed his words: “… that we’ll just have to try again.”

Later that evening, Gregory tuned into his favorite channel to watch his favorite talk show. He never missed it. The host was so funny and he needed a good laugh after the drama of compatibility syndrome. He relaxed in his recliner chair as the T.V. host came onstage. But then he began to think about his choice in T.V. programs. He asked himself, did he really need to watch this talk show every night? There must be something else. There were so many channels to choose from. Surely he could find something of interest. If he could simply change his habit of watching the talk show, he could break the compatibility syndrome. He pictured himself embracing Allison, of kissing her, of having dinner, and breakfast, with her. Yes! It was such a simple thing to change. He grabbed the remote and sorted through a hundred T.V. channels. He stopped at an animal channel and briefly watched the mating habits of giraffes. He stopped briefly at a shopping channel and watched a beautiful host pitch some perfume to him. He selected a movie channel and tried, in vain, to find a movie he hadn’t seen over three times already. Frustrated, he couldn’t keep his mind off the talk show. “Damn it!” he said. “This is going to be harder than I thought.” And maybe, just maybe, Allison would change something about herself. He felt a tremendous sense of guilt. What was so great about that damn talk show. He could do without it, couldn’t he? He flipped through some more channels and came to the conclusion: No. He could not omit the talk show from his nightly habits. He switched to the talk show, hoping against hope that Allison would not break their pack, that Allison, the love of his life, would change something about herself.

After work the following day, Gregory and Allison met at the office of Lucy, Inc. This time, they approached each other cautiously. When they got within a few feet of each other, their faces filled with optimistic smiles and out-stretched arms. They came closer, then even closer. Everything felt fine so far. They were a mere foot from each other, ready to embrace, when they felt the force again. They pressed against it harder and harder. But the force would not yield.

“What happened?” said Allison, trying to control her anger.

“Talk show,” mumbled Gregory. Then he was reminded that she was also involved in this pact. “And what was your problem?”

“Oh,” she said, casually, “It was my mother. I promised myself I wouldn’t argue with her anymore. She called last night. I’m sorry, Gregory. She just makes me so mad. And do you know what we were arguing about?

“Computer dating,” said Gregory.

“How did you know?”

“I could feel it,” said Gregory.

“Yes, said Allison. “Of course you could.” Her lips tightened with determination. “We can do this, my love,” she told him. “We can break through the force field. Go back, Gregory… Go back as far as you can.” She pointed to one wall of the waiting room. Gregory did so, and she backed up to the opposite wall.

“Lets do it!” she shouted. “Let’s break through the force field.”

“Are you sure?” asked Gregory.

“I’m sure,” replied Allison, crouching like a hungry tiger. “On three. Ready?... One… two… three.”

“Damn the consequences and full speed ahead!” said Gregory.

Gregory and Allison ran towards each other. It was now or never. When they came within a foot or so of each other, their bodies pushed against the force field. They planted their feel firmly and pushed. Their bodies were within inches of touching when they were catapulted backwards, each landing on the floor.

“Can you see what is happening?” shouted Allison. “We’ll never be able to touch. We’ll never change because we’re equally stubborn. And Lucy knew it all along. She gathered herself up from the floor and stared at a door marked Lucy. No admittance.

“I’ll pull her plug!” shouted Allison. She ran to the forbidden door. “I’ll… I’ll gigabyte her!” A strange whirring sound came from behind the door. It had a cadence to it that almost sounded like laughter.

“Allison! No!” shouted Gregory. “We’ll try again.”

Just then the man and woman who were glued to each other shuffled in.

“I can’t stand you!” Shouted the woman. “You smell like locker room.”

“You aren’t so prissy, prissy clean yourself,” said the man, attempting to push her away.

Gregory gazed at the woman. She was actually rather attractive, not perfect, but attractive. And Allison had also noticed that the man was rather attractive to her, not as attractive as Gregory, of course, but attractive.

Gregory and Allison approached the super-glued couple.

“Do you happen to like blueberry pie?” he asked the woman.

“Blueberry pie?” said the woman. “I hate it.” She smiled warmly at Gregory. “Come here often?” she asked, flippantly.

“Too often,” said Gregory.

The man who was attached to her was noticing Allison. He smiled broadly. Allison smiled back. “We’re having this problem.” He said.

“Yes. I can certainly see that,” said Allison. On impulse, she extended her hand to the man. He took her hand in his, and at that very moment, the two helplessly glued bodies came apart with a resounding “Spulush!”

As Gregory and Allison left the office, each with one of the previously stuck people, a soft whir could be heard behind the door marked Lucy. It sounded an awful lot like chucking.

--end--