My Old Life

Obama has just won the presidential election while my home is in the midst of being destroyed. The world is undergoing a lot of change and so is my life. Seeing what I considered to be my castle in such a state makes my body ache. I hate how as I become older so does everything around me. Everything is changing. My story both begins and ends with me in the same situation — without a family.
This family (soon to be my family) consisted of a mother, a father, and four children. I guess I’ll start with the mother. Lydia was her name and at this point in her life she would always have her hands full juggling the events of her four children’s lives and her own, she rarely thought of herself. Lydia was married to an intelligent (some say too intelligent) man who goes by the name of Damian. He was always looking for a new instrument to add to his collection, and was often thinking about himself. Now the children: the first born was a girl named Madison who was the chief in the tribe of children, so in other words was the most controlling. Next comes the second born, Albert. He wasn’t exactly controlling but he really liked to hurt people. Third in line is Malcolm the soft one of the family. He was sensitive, but built like a warrior. Last but not least we have Mairi, the very loud baby of the family. These six people are the main characters in my life.
The actual memory of my childhood starts in a terrible place where I lived with no family, some friends, and a small room to sleep in. I was young, a couple of months old I think. Since I was so young when I was given up I don’t exactly remember my first family. I vaguely remember my temporary home. The thought of it makes me feel nauseous. It’s not that the people who worked there weren’t nice, it’s just upsetting knowing that I was brought there by someone who didn’t want me.
Well anyways, back to my story… It was a terrible place. I hated it there so much. I never told anyone that I hated it, I kept to myself you could say. I remember more of how this place made me feel than how it looked. One day this family came in search of a new member. They must have been very perceptive and noticed the sorrow in my eyes. No one ever considered me. I’m not much like the others; I don’t even know what I am to be honest. Some sort of mix. When they took me home it was the first time I had ever felt loved.
The house was amazing. It was so completely abnormal that I had never seen anything like it. It was mass chaos; there were children running around and cats scattered in their various hiding spots. This house had character, that’s for sure. It had a very energetic but welcoming feel. The walls were painted white but no longer kept that freshness because of the little dirty hands touching them constantly. The hardwood floors looked as if they were once nice but they were now scratched from years of wear. Any other person in their right mind wouldn’t be able to deal with all of the commotion, but with this family the commotion felt right.
I have so many fond memories with this house and with my family, both good and bad. I’ll start with the first time I got in trouble; it was by far the most terrifying moment of my childhood. Damian had just got back from the grocery store and left all the recently bought goods on the counter as he went to his bedroom to lie down. He didn’t bother to put any of the food away. I went up to the counter and grabbed the chocolate from the top of the bag. Oh, it was so delicious, and what a treat! It was only after I ate the chocolate that I realized I probably shouldn’t have. I heard Damian walking toward the kitchen where I was still sitting. I knew I would be getting in trouble so I tiptoed away from the scene of the crime. When I heard Damian’s deep breath of anger I knew I was in for it. When I saw him turning that corner into the living room my stomach lurched and I ran under the piano to hide. When I was young this was the place I found to be the most comforting. Many feel it’s uncouth of me, but even at this age I still find that sitting beneath the hammers and strings is comforting. Damian could see me, however, and dragged me by my necklace out into the middle of the room where I was exposed and vulnerable. Thinking about this makes me squirm in discomfort. Oh how I will never forget what I felt next. His hand hitting me so forcefully, it left me in utter disbelief that a member of my family would treat me in such a way. But I didn’t cry, and that’s one thing I have never done and never plan on doing for the rest of my days. I didn’t exactly understand why it was a big deal; it was just chocolate, I’m sure it’s not that expensive. After my punishment I couldn’t bare to look at him the same way. I crawled back under the piano, the one place where I knew I couldn’t be hurt.
Watching the CAT bulldozers tear down my castle is hard enough, now the dusty remains, like the ashes of a human body, are being blown into my face and seeping into my eyes, skin, and hair.
This castle wasn’t my only sanctuary. There is this wonderful place called Four Mile Lake, which thankfully is still standing. We would go there to spend our summer days basking in the sun. The first time I went was the most thrilling, a long car ride not really knowing where I would be when it ended. I was thrilled at just being in the car; I love car rides. After the two hour car ride, during which, I’ll admit, I had to go pee, we arrived at a beautiful plateau covered in tall grass, many trees, a cottage, and an outhouse. I was in paradise. The sun was always gleaming down. This was the place where I got to know my new family the best. After everyone unpacked and was settled in, the fun began.
Lydia loved the water, just like me. If we weren’t lying the in the sun together we were swimming to cool off. Every morning after she’d have her cappuccino she would say, “Hey Emma, wanna go for a swim?” I would follow her down to the lake and we would step into the water in unison. After getting used to the cold water we would begin our trek across the arm of the lake. It was pretty hard keeping up with her at first but by the end of the stay I got the hang of it. I loved swimming but what I loved most about the daily dip was the bonding that came with it. I could feel our natural connection as easily as I could feel the cold water splashing at my face while I doggy-paddled my way across. I hate saying that she was the one I loved the most, but it’s true.
Sometimes Lydia would go out windsurfing and I would sit at the shoreline just waiting for her to come back and for us to reunite. If she were out for an hour, it would feel as if she had been gone forever. In this time I would usually sit with Mairi or Madison. I would sit with them while they read or I would join them in the water. It was never as good as being with Lydia though. Even as I’ve aged I still can’t comprehend why she had to go.
The sidewalks around this neighbourhood don’t even look the way the used too. My castle isn’t the only one that’s going. Some already have been destroyed; others are yet to experience exactly what I am now.
In the course of my life Madison dedicated a lot of time to walking around with me. I don’t really go outside unless I’m with her. About a month ago when she was home from university for a visit she went for a walk with me. I like walking with Madison because we get to talk and catch up. When we were younger, before she went away to school, we used to walk all the time. Sometimes we wouldn’t even talk - just look and explore the neighbourhood, looking at the beautiful old houses that had so much character and history. Other times we would talk the whole time. Either way, it was always what I needed. Madison was the first one to show me around the neighbourhood to help me with the streets and such. From time to time I would go for walks with out her when I needed to think. No one in the family really trusted me to wander alone, though. The problem was that Madison wasn’t always there to come with me.
At some point the houses in the neighbourhood started changing. They were no longer old and beautiful; they were tasteless and looked just like the people who owned them. After that started happening I would only walk to the lake. I couldn’t bear to see my poor neighbourhood like that. I loved walking along the shoreline, letting the waves splash against my feet, and thinking about how nice it would be if Madison were with me.
I really wish I could force myself to get up and walk away from this terrible scene. It’s just one of those things that you can’t help but watch.
It’s weird that Albert and I never had much of a close relationship. I wish we had been closer. It’s not as if I don’t love him. I do, really. My fondest memory of him is when he would give me his left over food from his plate. I was always hungry, but Damian never let me have more than one serving. It wasn’t fair; he probably thought I was fat. Whenever Damian wasn’t looking, Albert would give me his plate and let me finish all his food. That was so nice of him. I wish he wasn’t so introverted; come to think of it, he was a lot like Damian. He never hurt me or anything, but he kept to himself and never bothered to spend time with me. He’s never taken me for a walk like Madison has, or spent time in the sun with me like Lydia. Well, he is family and I guess that is all that matters.
If my family were watching this right now it would bring them to tears. Years of their lives were spent here. No other place will ever be called home.
Malcolm was the most sensitive of the children. He was the only male of the family to really hang out with me and treat me the same way the females did. I really appreciated that about him. If I was ever getting punished and was locked in my room he would secretly let me out because he knew how upset I was feeling. I have been mad at him maybe one too many times in my life but he always seems to forgive me. If you don’t call that love, I don’t know what is. Sometimes when I was younger he would play catch with me in the backyard or we would go on the trampoline together. I loved the feeling of the wind blowing against my face as I would rise toward the beautiful blue sky and fall to be comforted by the forgiving fabric that caught me every time. We would get tired after a while, and then just lie in the fetal position like the children we were.
I can’t believe they are finally all in University. Just yesterday it seemed I was coming from the terrible place of my childhood and joining the family. They are gone and so is my home.
The moment I saw all of Mairi’s suitcases packed up near the front door sent me reeling. I remember thinking to myself, is she seriously going? Now I was left with no one to care for or spend my time with. Mairi was too young to go, I swear. The night before had been the last time I could sleepover with her in her bed and I hadn’t even known. When there happened to be a storm and I was scared I felt as if I no longer had a place to go. I couldn’t go to Damian’s bed, that’s for sure. She was always there to comfort me when I was afraid. She always knew what was wrong. Even laying beneath the piano wouldn’t help me anymore, for these types of fears I needed some family. I never would have guessed it would be so hard. I mean, first moving to a new house, and then Mairi was on her way.
“Bye Emma! I love you! Don’t get into too much trouble!”
These words made me quiver. This was exactly the time I needed Mairi. I was so proud of her - I was - but I just didn’t like knowing that she was going off to begin her life while I would sit there nearing the end of mine.
At this point I decided I couldn’t sit here and watch all of this happen. I am old and my arthritis is bad but I needed to go. On the count of three 1…2…3… and I made a run for it.
My hip hadn’t been in this much pain in a while but finally I made it back to my castle by the lake. I love my family but I needed to escape. This brings me to where I am now – standing in front of the ruins of my old home. Of my old life. I’m trying to escape the truth. I want to avoid all change. All I want is my whole family in the house together again as one. What it used to be. Watching this - once a beautiful building - is making me realize that I can’t stop the change, and that running away has gotten me nowhere. I will not cry.
“EMMA! What are you doing all the way over here? Come back home with me!” Mairi yelled.
I’m hearing the voice that I never thought I would hear again.
“Woof! Woof!” I barked.