Steven

Steven

It just sucks.
I know you don’t care about me.
But I care about you.
So much. Maybe I’m in love.
Maybe not, but you don’t give a fuck.
You only wanted to fuck me.
And I let you
Fuck my body, my mind, my emotions.
However and whenever you wanted.
You texted, you called and I was there.
Wet and ready.
On my knees, bent over the bed, knees to my ears
However you wanted me.
Then I would rub your back while you fell asleep
And get up in the morning sad to leave
And sad, knowing you didn’t care.
Until you were horny or drunk and horny.
Whenever you texted me.
You never replied when I texted you. Why?
Why couldn’t you at least give that to me?
Treat me like a human instead of your sex toy.
I didn’t just blow, suck and moan for the pleasure of it.
Sure, it felt good but all I wanted was you.
That’s all I wanted. Nothing more, nothing less.
Not your dick or your money or your love.
Just you.
Do you remember riding around
Drinking beer, my hand on your thigh your arm around me
Kissing and caressing until we couldn’t take it
Anymore and I was straddling you on the front seat.
The windows down, my moans filling the night air.
Anyone could hear, but no one could.
At the time, in that moment, it was just me and you.
You and I alone in the world.
Or so, that’s how it felt to me.
Feeling you inside me, you kissing my neck,
Gently stroking my nipples. It was pure bliss
When you looked into my eyes and softly said my name.
I lived six months for the moments I spent with you.
Every night I lay awake, hoping and wondering if you would want me
Tonight. Please want me tonight.
I would say your name over and over
In my mind you were perfection.
I didn’t give a fuck what anyone else said or thought.
When you ignored me and talked to other girls.
It hurt and I talked to and fucked other guys.
But, I always came back to you.
I just wanted you.
And just wanted you to want me.
Was it really all about sex?
Did I really make myself that easy, that available?
Fuck, I hate myself. Fuck, I’m so stupid.
I thought maybe the sex, the conversation, the laughs.
You would see it too.
How did it not mean anything to you
When it meant everything to me?
Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough?
Tell me what it is and I’ll do it.
I will be what you want. For one more night.
You’re so fucked up and your life is a fucking mess.
I’m a mess in my own right and I’m drawn to tragedy.
I never wanted a white horse and prince charming.
I would be the best thing that ever happened to you,
If you would just give me a chance.
I know that you know that. Surely you know it.
They way I look at you, talk to you, touch you.
I absolutely adore you.
Tonight I told you I hated you and you simply said
Ok.
I told you I couldn’t help but miss you and this situation
Sucked for me and I wanted to be done.
I wanted you to protest, tell me no.
But you said it all in nothing.
You didn’t reply and you broke my heart.
You fucking broke my heart.
Like it was nothing. I cried and you probably
Just cracked open another beer and laughed
At the girl who cares for you.
Tell me something, what’s so wrong with that?
Is it really that hard to believe that someone
Could actually care for you without wanting anything?
I long to tell you all of this, but you don’t give a shit.
You don’t give a fuck.
You only care about getting drunk and getting laid.
And since I am no longer there to provide the latter,
You have no use for me.
My heart is broken and you have no fucking use for me.
Just cast me aside like I’m worthless.
You’ll forget about me, but I will remember
Everything.
Everything you said, did, the talks we had
The laughs we shared.
I will miss you, you won’t miss me.
So, fuck it.
If you only knew how good I would have been to you
If you only knew.