Spoof U Guide to College Rejection

THE SPOOF UNIVERSITY GUIDE TO COLLEGE REJECTION


• Application for Moron Admission
• What colleges look for in deciding not to admit you!
• College application tips for late bloomers
• Factors important in selecting to drop out of college
• The College Bound Crisis Hotline: 1-800-ADMIT-ME
• Art School Admission Requirements
• Mom’s Homeschool Transcript
• Rejection Letter Decoder
• How to get an Admissions Officer’s full attention
• Signs you attend a rural high school
• Sample College Open House Schedule
• Condemnation Letter
• Essay writing topics destined for HARVARD’s most wanted list
• Road Runner Fast Facts
• Lies of the not so admitted
• The Real High School College Prep Curriculum
• Popular excuses for poor SATs
• Marketing your college applications: What really works?
• College Bound Parent from Hell ID Detector
• Admissions Committee Idol
• Ivy League or bust
• College Bound Felonies & Misdemeanors

COLLEGE APPLICATION TIPS FOR LATE BLOOMERS

Okay, so it’s Spring Break of your senior year. And you’ve decided that it’s time to start applying to colleges. How do you go about doing this? Carve your name and SAT scores into a tree outside the admissions office? Pay your Guidance Counselor a $1,000 to write a 20 page recommendation letter on your behalf? Or how bout kidnapping the Admissions Committee until they say those magic words “You are in!” Well, as tempting as these scenarios might seem, there are other sure fire strategies procrastinators like yourself can use to apply and get admitted to late decision schools.

Invent something.
Whether it’s a College Bound Pocket Translator or No. 3 Pencil, Admissions committees love students who have patented a new and exciting product. Get to work and watch a marathon of Infomercials if you need ideas.

Donate $1 Million Dollars for an exclusive Admissions Committee Country Club.
You can do this if you save those checks from bagging groceries or greeting customers at the local Wal-Mart. And if you insist on spending your hard earned dollars on that latest Eminem CD think about those less fortunate than you: those poor and penniless Admissions Officers who will be reviewing your application for admission.

Say you have an incurable disease.
This might sound morally wrong but people are more apt to help put a smile on your face if they know you are dying. So, in your admissions essay be certain to bold and highlight that your dying wish is to attend the Comatose School of Mortuary Science. You’ll knock em’ dead!

Camp out on the Admissions Office front lawn.
At first glance, this option may only get you the attention of a stray dog or homeless man. To boost its entertainment value, come out of the tent nude wearing a “I’d rather be naked, than not be admitted to your college” sign.

Submit an attractive photo of yourself or if you’re ugly someone else who is pleasing to the eye.
Colleges are always looking for physically attractive student bodies. This way they do not have to hire models to pose for those beautifully landscaped Prospectus photos. So if you’ve been blessed with beautiful genes dust off that Polaroid camera and take some quick snapshots. If you’re a little rough on the eyes, send the photo of the model that came with your wallet.

Pretend you are the niece or nephew of the university’s President.
Unless you are required to submit blood and DNA samples as part of the application process, no one will ever know if you are related to the “Big Cheese” of the university for wish you seek admission. So, find out who the President is and then do a Google search to get all the necessary background information on the Prez. including his or her favorite Backstreet Boy.

Demonstrate a special talent such as twirling fire or eating mice.
To really impress the admissions committee, combine these skills into an exciting novelty act which will not just show your creativity but your ability to multi-task, as well. Be certain not to vomit or set the admissions building on fire though. You will lose points for this.

Hand deliver your application to the Dean of Admissions home residence.
Don’t worry if you’ll be interrupting the Dean’s dinner with his or her family. It’s important that this precious document (your application) receive the same care as an UPS or Federal Express package. You may even want to look into borrowing a brown uniform so you look official. And how will you retrieve the Dean of Admissions address you ask? Get a job as a mail sorter with the local Post Office. Oh yeah, since you might be ringing the Dean’s doorbell around dinnertime, ask if you can stay for dessert.

Impersonate being a superstar athlete in an underrepresented sport such as Jacks, Tag, Kick Ball, or Mini-Golf.
Many students excel in the traditional sports of baseball, basketball, and football. But how many students can say they are on the All Conference Kickball Team? Find a unique sport that you are good at and then get featured on ESPN. You’ll then become a “Hot Recruit” for the school’s athletic department.

Win a big prize such as a “Grammy” or “Oscar” award.
You might think its tough to impress the music and film industry but think again. After all, if Milli Vanilli can win a Grammy anyone can, right? So, whether you play the ukulele or have been in a Geico commercial don’t underestimate your talent. Win that nationally televised award and sooner rather than later!

REJECTION LETTER DECODER

College admissions committees sometimes have a difficult time telling a student they are rejected. They use all sorts of words in the decision letter to say “NO” and usually end up completely confusing the applicant. So, if you’re not sure what your letter from the Dean of Admissions really means here are some helpful translations.

We regret to inform you that your application was not approved- Did you apply for a loan? How about a credit card? Let’s not beat around the bush. What the Admissions Committee really meant to say is “We regret to inform you that you didn’t get in.” It might be a little direct but then you won’t worry about having a bad credit rating or not.

Thank you for applying for admission to our wonderful university- There is really no need to read further if your letter begins with a Thank You, Gracious, or Danke. I’m not sure why you are being thanked since time was wasted reviewing your application only to not offer you admission. Admissions Committees don’t have the b***s to just come right out and tell you that you are rejected, they’d rather thank you first. If you receive a letter thanking you for applying respond with a letter that says “YOU ARE WELCOME.”

Admissions was quite competitive this year with a record high number of applicants vying for a limited number of slots in the freshman class. Does this make you feel any better? How bout a glass of milk and some cookies? I mean you weren’t auditioning to be on a reality show, you were applying for admission to a college. So, with this in mind, find and kidnap as many accepted students as you can and hold them captive till after May 1st- the common reply date for colleges and universities. Then, ask the Admissions Committee if they would take a second, third, and perhaps fourth look at your application. I bet they will!

Please note that all information submitted was carefully considered by the Admissions Committee in reviewing your credentials for admission. This means that the admissions officers did read that letter of recommendation from Mom and also carefully reviewed your finger painting project from 1st grade. And they still found some way to reject you! Hmmm? Maybe its time to bring in the big guns. Find a long lost relative who is also a wealthy alumnus of the college and see if he or she could make a sizeable donation to the institution. Say $10 Million for a plush new Admissions Palace for the application review team!

Even though you were not selected for admission, we wish you the best with your educational and personal endeavors. Here the Admissions Committee is saying two things: First, we got what we wanted and you didn’t get anything. And second, good luck getting something. You’ll sleep a lot better knowing the people who rejected you are now 100% behind you and are now you’re #1 fan. This might be a good time to send a sympathy card to the Dean of Admissions expressing your deepest condolences that you will not be a part of next year’s freshman class.

Letter is scented with skunk spray. This is a good indication you aren’t getting in. Soak the letter in a vat of tomato juice then go squirrel hunting.

If your letter does not clearly spell out that you are rejected just show up for freshman orientation anyway.

ESSAY WRITING TOPICS DESTINED FOR HARVARD’S MOST WANTED LIST

Forget about those essay writing services and college admissions guides that promise the delivery of a masterpiece personal statement. It’s the choice of essay topic that matters the most with Admissions Officers. After all, you want to grab the Admissions Committee’s attention and raise an eyebrow or two, so they read on and don’t create a paper airplane out of this precious document. Check out these actual essay topics past clients have used to help earn them admission to Ivy League Universities, Taxidermy schools, and institutes of mortuary science.

• How My Daddy Can Have You Eliminated In One Phone Call If I’m Not Admitted To Your School
• Why my pet tarantula is my best friend
• The best book I’ve ever read: Arnold Schwarzenegger, PUMPING IRON
• Community Service: My Life as a Candy Stripper (remember to check your spelling!)
• The Person I Most Admire and Why: HARVARD’s Dean of Admissions
• Macaroni & Cheese: Why YALE’s is better
• Ten Things I Learned at San Quentin
• I’m a Legacy: My sister’s, boyfriend’s, Dad’s, secretary’s, Gynecologist went to your school
• Boxers vs. Briefs: What chick magnets prefer
• I have your children: Now let me in!
• Candy, Buffy, & Duffy: My three favorite personalities
• Why I hired my 6 year old cousin to write my admission essay
• The Day I Discovered My Hamster Was Pregnant
• Beer Pong & Pink Thongs: How I Will Make A Difference on Your Campus
• All I Need to Know I Learned through Jello-O Wrestling at Mustang Sally’s
• Why my classmates used me as the dodge ball for gym class
• This essay will explode in 10 seconds if you don’t accept me to your college!!
• My journey to state pig racing champion
• Is that an acceptance letter in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

MARKETING YOUR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS: WHAT REALLY WORKS?

Big name colleges receive thousands beyond thousands of applications each year. How will you make sure your application stands out from the crowd and does not cause the Admissions Committee to lapse into a coma? You must demonstrate your uniqueness and individuality, by devising a creative method for marketing your application. Whether you send a video of your fire breathing Chihuahua or sprinkle your application with your own sweat you’re bound to be worthy of a second look. If you’re void of thought here are some barely legal ways to get an Admissions Office to place and keep your application at the top of the stack. It’s all about presentation folks!

*Submit your essay on a dirty restaurant napkin
*Have your dog write a letter of recommendation
*Use a funky or flirtatious email address to submit your online application like [e-mail] OR [e-mail]
*Address the application envelope from “San Quentin Prison”
*Include a nude photo of yourself and if you don’t look great naked then substitute a runway model
*Complete four applications to the same school; one for each personality
*Mention that you are related to the college President (somehow you probably are!)
*Don’t just list that you received some award; Take it a step further. Tell them you actually hand carved the trophies that all the other kids won!
*Tug at their heart strings a little bit. Write that you only have six months to live. This way it shouldn’t matter if you’re taking someone else’s spot since you won’t live through your freshman year anyway
*Now might be the time to profess that you are really E.T.’s second cousin. Colleges really want diversity and the alien species is perhaps the most underrepresented group out there.
*Any special extra-curricular activities? Maybe you discovered what’s really in the cafeteria’s meatloaf or kidnapped your rival high school’s mascot. Regardless, these accomplishments show how committed you are to your school!
*If you are lucky enough to own a parakeet have it fly in and personally deliver your application materials. Warning: This can become messy if the bird had beans for dinner the night before.
*Greeting cards play music so why not your college applications? Install a microphone in your application and choose an appropriately titled song. Something with the lyrics “I Can’t Live, if Living Means Without You” comes to mind.
*Bake your application into a Betty Crocker Chocolate Cake. Hey it’s better than putting a file in it, right?