Ch. 5: Minor Complications

For hours I have lain here trying valiantly to derive comfort from the tiny mattress. Even the soothing sounds of discomfort from my fellow inhabitants cannot bring about enough relaxation for me to drift away into sleep. Yet, I find that even on nights such as this, I do not mind my captivity. Even when the walls seem to move in on me, almost smothering me. Is that what claustrophobia feels like?

I am here of my own choosing. If you were to ask them, they would tell stories of their superior tactics leading to my capture. The truth is, I was caught because I choose to be. There is nothing that I do, that I do not want.

There have been many things that I have done in my life that I am not proud of. I shall not bore you with those facts at the moment, but fear not eventually I shall. Eventually.

The mind is funny what it chooses to remember. The place where I met Ariana is forgotten, but I remember it was on a Tuesday. Was it my total and sudden infatuation with her that has caused me to forget the where? As unlikely as you might find that to be, I would say that there is a distinct possibility for that to be the case.

For years I had known her and had talked to her upon occasion. During that time she was a mere acquaintance, someone who sailed along the waters of my life barely noticed, with little attached feeling.

The first time I truly saw her, she was a shy, introverted beauty. The moment she said hello my heart stopped and I stuttered an idiotic hello in return. She smiled doubling the pace of my restarted heart.

What was different about this meeting that the others? For sure I could not begin to say. It could have been her eyes. They sparkled with relief and excitement from finding someone at her new job that she knew, no matter how slight. It could have been her smile. It was amazing to see. One corner of her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth, the rest of her lips were pulled into a shy, nervous smile. The longer I watched her, the more my heart was becoming hers.

Brilliant conversationalist that I am I tried to comfort her with jokes and obvious questions. After a short bit of awkward dialogues she began to relax. That first day she began to chip away at the veneer of my heart.

That night I dreamt of her. In my dreams I did things to her that I loathe to give voice to now. The feeling as she writhed and screamed under me filled me with a warm giddiness. As I watched her she touched my face, her eyes filled with compassion and pity. That act on her part froze me in mid motion. I stared into her eyes.

"Jackie, love isn't like this."

I awakened with tears streaming down my face and a great pain in my heart. My head began shaking from side to side as the huge lump of sadness in my throat forbad me from uttering a sound. Sitting there I was screaming in my head over and over, "I didn't know."

Soon after I saw her again. Immediately there was something wrong. My mind rebuked against being within touching distance of her. When I spoke to her, I had problems looking at her. Her eyes were suspicious and accusatory. Looking at her lips all I could see was her saying, "Love isn't like this." Looking at her body, I burned with guilt over what had happened in my dream.

My distance was something she would not stand for. When we spoke and I would divert my eyes she started to move into my view until I was forced to look at her. This went on for the better part of a day, until she had enough. She grabbed my face and made me look into her eyes.

"What is the problem here?" she asked.

"Nothing." I said trying to look away from her.

Forcefully she made me look back at her. "What is the problem?"

"You scare me," I whispered.

Letting go of me she stepped back with her head tilted and a light smile playing at her lips. "Really?"

Now believe me when I say that I could understand her confusion. I mean, me scared of her. Surely, you jest? Here I stand near seven foot tall and a monstrosity among men. Huge, the way you think of ocean liners as huge. With a certain smile I can make people uncomfortable and want to flee a room. Me, scared of her? Exactly.

Leaning against the wall she voiced her disbelief, "You're scared of me?"

Sure she only stood five foot three inches tall and just barely weighed more that a hundred pounds. If she was to stand in front of me she would not be seen from behind me. There was nothing in my life, before or since, that scared me as much as she did. Well, except for when she asked the question.

"Why?"

"Why?" I stammered.

"Yes, why?" she smiled.

We dickered around for a bit, with a because and a not good enough, a it's just silly and a well tell me then, before I answered.

"I'm afraid that I will not be able to control myself. I'm afraid that a look in your eye or a sound in your voice will bring me closer to the brink of falling for you. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing and lose you before I ever have the chance to make you mine. I'm afraid that I will do the right thing for you to love and then do the wrong thing to push you away. I'm afraid that I will hurt you. I'm afraid because I don't think I know how to love."

There was no sound, no movement. Was this to be the calm before the storm? The lull before the typhoon? She pulled herself off the wall and I truly knew fear. Smiling she stood before me and pulled my head down to her. Quickly, she kissed my cheek, and let me go.

"Would you like to take me to dinner?"

"Of course, "I stammered, idiot that I am.

Our first date was a restaurant I could barely afford. The lobster and crab meat burrito covered in a delicate cream sauce was not to her liking so she returned it for something else. That one act, for some reason, endeared her to me even more.

The time I spent with her seemed to last an eternity, but later it felt like the blink of an eye. After she was gone I realized that the time we had was but a speck in forever's eye.

From the night of our first date we were nigh inseparable. Where one was, the other was usually not far behind. I became the beast to her beauty.

It was almost destroyed as fast as it had come together.

One night we went to the movie, afterward we took a long stroll on the beach. We shared an amazing kiss under the moon, ankles deep in the water. Back at my apartment there was a candle lit dinner waiting for us. At one point during dinner I caught her staring at me.

"You're making me fall for you, " she said softly, "I know you won't hurt me."

I don't remember exactly how, but we ended up in my bedroom. My arms enveloped her, trying to protect her from the world. Things seems to be going so well. Until my dream tried to push itself into reality.

There came a piercing shriek to me ears. Underneath me struggling and screaming she lay, a small trail of blood running from her lip. Pushing myself off of her, I fell from the bed into the wall, bursting through the drywall. Gripping the sides of my head, I repeated over and over, "I didn't know." Tears streamed from my eyes and finally I screamed voiceless into the night.

Like an out of body experience I see her sitting on the bed looking at me. All the fear and betrayal slowly fell from her eyes, leaving behind a look of pity and compassion. Easing off the bed, she began making calming noises toward me. I watched as her hand reached out for mine and I flinched away. The tears came all the harder.

I am a monster. The only love in my life and I tried to force myself on her. What troubles were there in my life that would make me react that way? Seeing the fear in her eyes in that terrible moment, how could I confuse that with love? It's the only love I knew. I am a monster.

Sitting against the destroyed wall, I was on the brink of my own destruction. I could feel myself slipping away never to return. Her hands touched me and I wanted to flee. Taking my head in her hands she pulls me against her chest, telling me that it will be all right. She began to rock my against her like a child and I began to calm, she was my anchor.

Finally, I spoke, "I'm so sorry, that is what I thought love was."

"Oh, Jackie, love isn't like that."

Warm and inviting against me she kissed me then. She was my center and she calmed me. Slowly, we moved back to the bed a twist and tangle of limbs and love. Guiding one of my hands to her breast we massaged them, her hand over mine, fingers entwined. My other hand held the side of her neck as I kissed her. With her other hand she guided me into her and she moaned deeply into my kiss, "Slow." She whispered against my neck and I cried against hers. "Jackie, this is love."

I had found my missing pieces. For the first time in my life I was happy and whole. It seemed nothing could go wrong. Then she died.

My grandfather always told me that there were two important rules you needed to know in order to get through life. Number One, do not take the weight of the world on your shoulders, you're not strong enough and no one will appreciate it. Number Two, find the love of a good woman, she will take care of the rest. He was right, that is what Ariana did.

While we were together she taught me many things. That lies, no matter how small and insignificant they seem, can greatly affect others. That everyone should be excepted for how they are, not how they appear. That to go through life angry is to not live life. That all prayers are answered, just not in the order they are received.

For a while we were happy. One Sunday morning she took my hand, placed it on her stomach and told me that she was pregnant. That past was forfeit, the present a dream, the future was effervescent.

It felt like worlds were created and destroyed in the length of time she was in labor. I sat beside her offered her comfort where I could and felt pain at her struggle. Of course, the pain I felt for her was nothing to the pain she endured. Sitting there I whispered soothing sounds, held her hand and mopped the sweat from her brow.

"Come here, Jackie."

I stood smiling and leaned over her.

"Something is not right. I don't feel the baby." she said, tears filling her eyes.

The jabbering of the doctors and nursed faded away and all that there was left in the world was the angel laying before me. It had to have been my imagination, but she appeared so pale and so fragile. Her cheek bones seemed to protruded at high angles. Her skin seemed taut and paper thin. Bruises began to form under her eyes and her eyelids looked so heavy, so tired.

I never lied to her, never. Until that moment.

"You're doing fine. Everything is going to be ok."

There has never been so weak a smile in the history of the world as the one she offered me at that moment. Lies, no matter how small........

"I love you." she mouthed.

"Everything is fine. Just try and......."

I choked and could not finish. I was lying to her and her eyes told me that she knew it.

"I know." she said as a faint smile formed on her lips and a tear slipped from her eye.

The sounds of our surroundings began to penetrate the silence of our world. For the first time I realized that something truly was very wrong. I turned to find more doctors in the room than there had been a few minutes earlier. There was blood covered gauze on the doctor's tray. I watched as he moved between Ariana's legs fervently.

"We are having some minor complications, maybe it would be best iy you stepped from the room for a few moments." one of the nurses said after a doctor gave her a look and pointed toward me with his head.

My hand reached out, fingers played and rested on Ariana's stomach, engulfing it gently. I felt Ariana's hand on mine, squeezing my fingers.

"It's okay."

"We need to help her. Everything will be fine. It's just a minor complication." one of the doctors offered with a weak smile.

Slowly I left the room. Did I truly believe she would be fine? The doctors said she would be, but did I believe? Every lie, no matter how small.......

I do not know how long I sat outside that room waiting for some word. Almost meditative I sat there, eyes closed, ignoring the questions of her parents and siblings. There was no acknowledgement for them in my world.

The head doctor walked out of the room toward us, with the other two doctors slightly behind him. When they neared us only the head doctor stepped forward.

"There were complications." he began.

The rest of what he said was lost to me. His words were drowned out by the pounding of blood in my ears. What was his reason for her death? Internal bleeding? Incompetence? Her body attacking her unborn child? I would have liked to have known what his reasoning was. The bottom line was there were gone, mother and child. Both.

The past was perfect, the present a nightmare, the future was forfeit.

On one side of me her brother and sister were trying to comfort their mother. On the other side her father had risen in defense of his deceased daughter. In the middle I sat a storm of emotion. The doctor's mouth moved as he tried to get himself out of the corner he had found himself.

I stood offering him my hand. He looked around nervous before taking it. The world grew silent.

"I know you did the best you could to save her, and I am sure that where ever they are right now, Ariana and our child know that. If it is okay I would like to see them?”

Every lie.....

"Of course," he said with a nervous, but thankful smile on his face.

The easiest lie to believe is the ones with minute traces of truth.

"I would appreciate it if the three of you would come in there with me."

The doctor looked around to his accomplices nervously,"You want all three of us to come with you?"

"Yes, I think I missed some of what you said and I would like another explanation. I may have a question or two for the three of you."

"Yes, yes, of course, we can understand that."

We began moving toward the room and I hear her family fall in behind us. I do not ever spare them a glance, "I think I would rather do this alone, if you don't mind."

....no matter how small......

When we entered the room the nursed dropped their heads and left the room in unison. The door eased shut and I leaned back against it. With a sigh I turned the lock.

"Can we go over everything again?"

The doctor looked to his companions for support. I grabbed his wrist, placed my right hand just behind his elbow.

"What are you doing?" he asked with real fear in his eyes.

"There have been some minor complications, but everything will be all right." I said as I smiled and pushed my right hand forward.

With a pop like a wood knot in a campfire, his elbow gave way.

.....or insignificant, affects someone.

The sound of his elbow breaking brought about a calm in me that was unexpected. When I twisted his wrist the doctor's scream was cut off almost instantly as he fell to the floor drifting toward unconsciousness from the pain.

The other two doctors charged me and I smiled as I stepped forward, almost through the kneecap of the doctor closest to me. He spun to the floor breaking a chair as he fell. The final doctor caught my fist in his throat. He chocked as he grabbed at his throat, and I was all but forgotten until I grabbed him by the back of the head and pulled him backward by his hair. His eyes pleaded with me for help. I ignored him as my fist repeatedly came down on his throat until blood bubbled from his mouth.

I turned back to the second doctor who was whimpering on the ground clutching his knee. I picked up a leg from the broken chair and stalked toward him.

I do not know what happened after I rained down the first blow.

Uncontrollable anger, unbridled rage.

When I cam back to my sense the doctors were dead. I had beaten them to death and beyond. When the door to the room was finally forced open a nurse fainted and two police officers became violently ill.

I was no longer a threat.

In the far corner of the room I sat against the wall with Ariana's body cradled in my arms. Over and over I was trying to scream, but no sound would pass my lips.