The Truth About Eternity

Forever doesn't last long does it?

No.

I suppose it never lasts very long. Not on this Earth it doesn't. Not even for an immortal vampire. Forever always ends.

Then what?

What happens when forever ends?

Eternity.

I've been living on this Earth for more than a hundred years, I've lived past forever, but that is nothing compared to eternity. Eternity is longer. Eternity is lonelier. Eternity is merciless.

Forever is easy to think about, it's easy to dream about. Eternity isn't. Forever holds promise. It's a temptress, a wish.

Eternity is a cruel bitch mother. I'm at her heels.

I can't die. I can't go to the Voltari. I never even thought of it. I have Renesmee to take care of. Renesmee to set an example for. Renesmee to explain all the answers to.

Why did mommy leave?

Why doesn't mommy love us anymore?

What happened to happily ever after?

This is life. I thought I was done with it when I was turned into a vampire. I thought I had skipped across this path. I thought I would never fall in love and have a family of my own. I surely never thought my soulmate would leave me and I'd be heartbroken. No. Not after we had a child together. Not after I turned her too, so she could be with me forever. Yet here I am.

We were so in love. Nobody suspected it wouldn't last. Nobody. Especially not me.

It only too seven years. Seven short years when everything fell apart. I suppose that's what happens when you fall in love with someone in less than a month. You can only stay together for so many years. After Bella was turned, after all the excitement had died down, underneath it all, we didn't have much to go on. We didn't have much in common, we had nothing to talk about, we had nothing to love but our long lost memories of our initial infatuation. Infatuation wasn't enough. Saving each other was a temporary high. When it was all done and the tragic forbidden romance between mortal and vampire was over, all that was left were awkward conversations and an inability to connect on a deeper level after all the lust was put aside. Our immortal life together was never a go.

Bella started thinking. She started thinking things through. Every time there was tension she would bring it up. She would say all the words I had expected her to say in the very beginning. Somewhere inside me a voice said "I knew it." I just wished it wasn't true.

I shouldn't have ever asked you to turn me Edward.
I should have gone to college, I could have been something.
My life would be so much better without you.
I wish I had never met you.

She thought about it all and she didn't like what she came up with. She became angry. She was bored, she missed being human, she missed living with her mother and not fighting to not kill her mother from thirst. She missed the warmth of humans, the normalcy. She missed the vision of her and Jacob. She was angry of having Renesmee, who took any hope of going back to Jacob from her. She was angry vampires had taken over her life. Through anger her instincts took a hold of her. She grew irate, impatient, secluded. All her charms disappeared. If there was anything worth loving before, it wasn't there anymore.

I loved who she used to be. Not who she was when she walked out on me, on Renesmee, on the Cullens. Not who she was when she consciously killed people to fulfill her thirst, uprooting us, forcing us to move and cover our tracks. No, I had no love for that selfish person. Not for that girl who thought too little and was careless and broke my heart.

I guess I should have seen it coming. I should have known she was going to leave. I remember one night she whispered in my ear.

Edward I'm tired to being some sort of Martyr. I'm tired of being vegetarian. I'm never satisfied. I just want to live life. I'm tired of being mature, being a mother, always taking care of everyone but myself all my life...

Inside her she always had that stubbornness, that need for instant gratification. Seven years of fighting thirst and monotony had brought out the worst of it.

She had gone insane.

I try to ignore that memory of her at the doorstep. Eyes glowing bright red for the first time in six years, blood stained, hair a mess.

I'm leaving.

That was all she said.

"Who did you kill?" I demanded. I was frightened.

Who cares?

I lost it then.

She left.

It's been three years since then. She comes to see Renesmee on her birthday every year. She never apologizes for leaving. She feels no remorse. She was alone, she moped about herself, and she did as she wanted . This was always what she wanted. She just hands over a present. Waits for the candles to go out. She kisses Renesmee goodbye, whispers something in her ear. Then she leaves again.

Yesterday was Renessme's tenth birthday. It should have been a happy occasion. Bella ruined it. She killed someone in the town after she left. We had to move again.

I don’t know if I should blame her entirely though. Her will was just not strong enough to fight the thirst and animalistic instincts after her love for me and Renesmee diminished. Maybe that was all I was really angry about, not the killing and carelessness, just that she stopped loving us. I wish I could bring her back to the light but I knew it was a lost cause.

Now we're moving again. We've run out of dark places to go to that don't know our name. We're trying something new. A new invention of Renesmee's to help us be truly normal. She had presented us with skin suits to diminish our sparkle, a project of hers since the last move because like her mother, she hated the cold and rain. They worked almost perfectly as only the slightest pearlescent shine came through due to how smooth our skin was. Thus we chose a place where no vampire had ever tread before.

Virginia.