Breakup letter to my cell phone

Dear Droid, or MotoDroid, or Milestone, or whatever you're calling yourself nowadays, we've had some good times and some bad times together, you were my first smart phone, I remember the day I brought your older sister home and promptly dropped her in the toilet the first day, not a great way to meet but when you showed up I was so happy, i installed all kinds of apps on you, sent over 9800 text messages alone with you, changed your keyboard skin countless times. I was in love.

but then i started having to wait for updates that should never have to have been problems to begin with, been lied to about updates (2.1 and 2.2 were like waiting for christmas stoned as hell), had my market flooded with bullshit apps, had to install an antivirus ON THE PHONE which was disconcerting enough to say the least but I dealt with it.

The first time I had to reformat you didn't phase me at all, I work I.T., I thought it was kind of cute, my little phone thinking it's a big computer the fragmenting and cache buildup was a problem for a little bit but we got past that, baby, i rooted you and things were better than ever! I went out and bought a new case for you so that absolutely nothing could harm you because I loved you even though there were new phones on the market. and within the week you freeze up on me... causing me to take the case (that barely fit to begin with) off and take your battery out which was as fucking hard and I'm sure made me look like an asshole to whoever was around me.

this started happening more and more and finally I said "fuck it, I'll leave the back off" which at least allowed me to restart the phone the 6 times a day it needed. making my purchase of a 30 dollar case a complete waste of money. Being a student with an income of fuck all, this is NOT COOL.



I know that i haven't treated you like a baby your whole life but you haven't had any significant damage and far as I can venture you're not even a year old, you should work the first time I press a button, or at least the second time. You should not freeze up and shut down while RECIEVING A CALL. Effectively taking the “smart” and “phone” from smartphone. Leaving me with a randomly vibrating noisy robotic hellion in my hand drawing the (negative) attention from anyone around me and the person calling me.



you boast that you can run all these apps at once but you don't kill them when they need to be killed and this makes for loops that can only be killed with a "hard reboot". And I've explained this to you over and over and over again but you just don't fucking listen! do you think I like hurting you? you make me!



you can stay until I find a new phone but if you pull any shit i swear to god I'll throw you in a river.



Do not test me.



i'm sorry to have to do this through a letter, but it would have taken about a year to type this on your unresponsive ass screen. fuck, it's like using a Newton.



there was a time that I saw an iPhone and felt honestly that I had the superior phone, now I see a 600 dollar "whoopsies" that can't make a call without a case but still responds better than my phone.



And no, this break up has absolutely nothing to do with your younger, thinner, smarter, sexier, sexier, and all around better sister the Droid X has been hitting me up with discounts and upgrades for at least a month...

Droid 2 has been showing interest, too, you're just past your prime.



try to remember the good times...



and I'll try not to remember the stupid fucking glitches and the fact that in the end it was more of a can crusher than a droid in functionality.



Sincerely

Droid user.